How to Ask Your Spouse for What You Want (Without Starting a Fight)

Do you know exactly what bugs you about your spouse, but freeze up when it comes to saying what you actually want instead?

We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves.

Last week we talked about why so many of us don't ask for what we want. This week is the how. Most of us were taught to wait for our spouse to figure it out, then complain when they don't. It doesn't work, and it turns little irritants into little fights. We own up to a movie night in our basement that went sideways over woodworking videos, and share the little throat clear Robert uses in the bedroom doorway when he needs some love. Then we walk you through a simple four-part way to ask that's warm, quick and much easier for your spouse to say yes to.

In this episode:

• Why waiting for your spouse to "just know," then complaining, almost never works
• How "Are you seriously on your phone right now?" turned a cozy movie night into a little fight
• The request hiding inside every complaint, and how to find it
• Why you're the expert on you, but not on your spouse
• Handing over your "operating instructions" (and why most spouses never get a manual)
• What a throat clear in the bedroom doorway has to do with feeling loved
• The full ask: appreciation, a specific ask, "as a favor to me," and "how can I help?"
• Movie night, take two: what changed when Sharla asked instead of complained
• When the full ask fits, and when a bigger hurt needs a different conversation

A place to start this week: Think of the complaint you've made a hundred times. Flip it into a request, then try the full ask, just once.

We're building a new program for couples, and we'd love to hear from you first. If home is the one place that feels hard, grab a 30 to 60 minute confidential conversation (not a sales call) at https://masteryourmarriage.us/research

Want private coaching for the two of you? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us

Related episodes:

Ep 181: But He Should Already Know: Failing the Test You Didn't Know You Were Taking

https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/but-he-should-already-know-failing-the-test-you-didnt-know-you-were-taking

Ep 180: Why You Get Defensive When Your Spouse Is Upset

https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/relational-maturity-how-to-hear-a-complaint-without-getting-defensive

Resources mentioned:

• Terry Real and Relational Life Therapy: https://www.terryreal.com

Find us:

https://masteryourmarriage.us

Instagram @masteryourmarriage

masteryourmarriage@gmail.com