Overcoming Pornography is not About Getting Rid of Everything

Last week we discussed how goals can be problematic when we are working to achieve lifelong behaviors rather than short term events. As promised, this week we will be talking about how to decide what your values are. In addition to that we’ll talk about how to more fully live them. When you think of your values, this is often where your deepest emotions lie. And as a result this may be an emotional process for you to go through. As you think about what your values might be, I find it helpful to use I statements that convey a sense of who you are. For example, from the last podcast, “I choose sexual experiences that create intimacy.” Here we have a current position on who we are, who we want to be and how we want to act in the moment. When you think about your pornography struggle or any struggle you have. If your goal is to eliminate a pornography habit, ask yourself, what would achieving this goal show that you stand for or support ( or stand against or oppose)? As you look at the core values that emerge from that question, you can form them into I statements that can fully express and inhabit your core value. So, for instance, if I were answering the question, what would eliminating pornography from my life achieve and show that I stand for or support? I might say, I stand for living chastely, being open and creating intimacy in my life. My I statements would then look something like, “ I live chastely”, “I am open with my spouse about my sexuality, including when or if I view pornography” and our phrase from earlier, “I choose sexual experiences that create intimacy”. As you go through the process of doing this you may want to come up with two or three core values statements that are easy to remember and that help you convey to yourself a new sense of who ¥ou are. Then, in the process of living those values, it is important to keep in mind what we learned about values last week. If you havent’ listened to that, go back and get familiar with what values are. You;ll want to hold these new values loosely. Meaning, rather than holding so tightly to them that when you fail to live up to them, you beat yourself up and feel like these values are impossible to live by, you hold them like you would a handful of sand. If you’ve ever grabbed a handful of sand and squeezed it tightly you’d have noted that most of the sand escapes your grip and you are left with very little of it when you open your hand . Rather, when it comes to values, using the sand as an analogy, if we pile the sand on an open palm, we end up being able to hold more than we ever could by squeezing it. This analogy also allows us to prioritize which sand, and how much of each type of sand we will hold at given times in our lives. When we prioritize our values properly, we find that we are no longer trying to hold on to ever decreasing amounts of capacity in our hands, but allowing, at times, some values to take a back seat to our current needs while still maintaining a small focus on values that are still important but not urgent. So as you hold your values lightly, prioritizing them as you do, you’ll find that you’ll need to practice your values for yourself and in your interactions with others. You’ll also recognize that as you focus in on a priority value, that your other values are still relevant to your life and who you want to be. One key to living your values more fully is being aware of what they actually are, which is what we’ve just done. The next key to living your values more fully is practicing them whenever you can. Think of scenarios where you have not lived up to your values in the past and role play what you would do if you had lived up to your values. You could...

4 Okt 202113min

Shifting goals to values: As a person who struggled with pornography I had one goal. Stop looking at pornography. There is a problem with this. It isn’t that this isn’t a worthy goal. It is. The problem with this goal is that goals are about finite moments in time. Goals are about achieving a target at a point, usually, in the future that once passed, will no longer be as relevant to your daily life as it was before you achieved it. That means, that once this goal is achieved, it stops being relevant, and then becomes something that you are no longer shooting for. Let me give you an example. Some of you may have done iron man competitions. WE JUST had the world championship Iron man, here in st g over the weekend. If you have a goal of racing in the iron man, you’ll do certain things on a set schedule to achieve that goal. The day of the race comes and goes and the next day you are back to your routine you had before you were training to become an iron man or iron woman. That is what a goals based result looks like. But what about those people, who for years, keep doing it. They seem to love it. They seem to be doing it as part of who they are, not to simply say they’ve done it. Often, when I see men or women who come to me after a year or more of not looking at pornography, they have been training hard and achieving a goal. They have turned things off on their phones. They’ve been careful to not be left alone. They’ve changed certain aspects of their lives as a process of exercising the willpower to achieve a goal. But the moment it is achieved, it is no longer a goal. And all that work that we’ve done to get to a certain point, may stop happening. This is what a diet looks like as well. You stop eating certain foods. Foods that you will go back to once you’ve gotten to x weight. Then when you achieve x weight, the goal is no longer a goal and you go back to the way you ate before and maybe even worse than before. That is why most people who go on a diet, end up gaining it all back and then some. The problem is, this goal based system of seeking achievement is not attuned to the long term results you are looking to create. What you need, what we all need values . Learning to create a values based decision making process will clean up all the struggle that we have with ourselves and what we aren’t achieving. First, this week we’re going to teach you about how values work. Next week we are going to teach you about how to decide what your values are and how to live them more fully. 1. values are here and now. Goals are in the future. a. So, just like in the case of losing a certain number of pounds or running the iron man, once you’ve achieved your goal to stop looking at pornography, it is no longer a goal. b. Some of you might be clever and thinking, well, then what if I say, My goal is to never look at pornography ever again. c. Well, ask yourself, have you ever set a goal that you’ve failed to progress at to the point where you’ve convinced yourself it’s unachievable? d. So, how do we do this different? e. we create a value around this f. I like to use “I” statements for this because they easily capture who we are g. And by virtue of the nature of “I” statements, they are in the now. h. “I live chastely” “I keep my commitments to myself sexually” “I choose sexual experiences that create...

27 Sep 202116min

In this episode I interview my client Jonathan Layton.

20 Sep 202150min

Most of us, when we find ourselves in a position that we might find impossible, like winning a race that is seemingly unwinnable we beat ourselves up. That is how many men and women act when confronted with their pornography viewing habit. We see ourselves in last place and never able to get to that top ten so we can finally win at something.

13 Sep 202115min

What if I don’t want to stop. I had a consultation with someone this last week that was somewhat out of the norm for me. Most of the people I speak with are in a place where they have struggled with pornography for a significant period of time and want to end their involvement with it. That was not the case with the client I’m going to tell you about. He was earnest and open with his wife and church leaders. He seemed honestly desirous that he could be in full fellowship with the saints and still view pornography because of what it had done for him. Before anyone listening gets out the pitch forks, I would like to take a step back and just touch on this perspective. For this client, who had some recent issues that made zoning out important to him, pornography had become an escape to which he could go for relief from a painful struggle. According to him, his wife seemed to be accepting of it. So let’s talk about, what if I don’t know if I want to stop I have only had a couple of people that have come to me with this type of scenario. In fact, two people. The first, really wanted me to say that pornography viewing was ok. The one I chatted with this week, I’m not sure what he wanted me to tell him. But to both of them I would say the same thing.

6 Sep 202125min

What is the best way to bring up pornography with teens? What is the best way to find out if they are being exposed to it? How can we help family members who watch porn or struggle with addiction? After many years of a pornography addiction, can an individual overcome this problem on their own without the 3 prong program the church suggests? How do we protect our children and grandchildren from pornography? How do you think it is best to block some of that content on the internet we don’t want to have show up on our screens? Do you have a recommendation for what to tell kids to do when they come across something that’s inappropriate? (eg turn it off, tell a grown up, sing a hymn, say a prayer) How do I encourage someone whose life is impacted by pornography? What are the steps to help someone who has stopped using pornography but they still struggle with masturbation? What can my kids say to others who might show up with inappropriate images or materials? How can I help my kids confidently shun it and encourage better behavior and activities? Wanting to remember to hate the sinner and love the sinner “we can do much better”

30 Aug 202136min

Alone and Ok - For the first time in a long time, I’m alone at home. - Some kids are with darcy at a playgroup, others are out running errands, one, I’ve just dropped off at work - There was a time when this would be a moment of struggle. - When I would fight, with all my might to stay clean through this time. - Being alone, with no one to catch me, was always a moment where my mind would offer me thoughts like, “nows your chance” “no one will know” - As a business traveler, I found myself in hotel rooms alone often. - It was a consistent pattern that I would end up, at some point, spending a few minutes at least and sometimes an hour or so, viewing pornography. - Having 8 kids, there have been very few rare moments where I was strictly alone at home - So, on the road is where I would do it most often. - Part of it was loneliness - Part of it was boredom. - Part of it was the idea that I could get away with something and the only person who would know was me. - That last one is the one that really, in the end, made it so I stopped looking at pornography - Last night I had a conversation with a client who was telling me about his ‘accountability’ partners. - As he described them, various people, including his wife, he asked me, what my thoughts are on the software for accountability and accountability parnters in general - He also asked if there were a permanent filter that I know of that is free - I told him, the only filter or accountability person that really ends up working, is your own brain. - That is the only way I know how to truly end a bad habit. - Is retraining our brains to no longer desire pornography, no longer follow the urges, and no longer ignoring our moral compass. - That process is what I coach people on, how I help them to get to where they want to be. - That is how I got to the place I am now. - Alone, in my house. With no one to catch me. - Yet not even fighting with my urges in the slightest. - Because, I could look at pornography if I wanted to. - I’m allowed, by virtue of my agency to do so. - But I choose not to, because the person I want to be, doesn’t - Not because there is a filter I couldn’t surpass - There is no free, permanent filter available. - You get what you pay for - That’s why I do the work I do. - I wish I had a coach that would have helped me through this process. - Because so many of us, feel like we can’t be alone. - We don’t trust...

23 Aug 20219min

Food porn - Porn and food are similar in the way we interact with them. - Food is required for sustained life - Our sexual desires are inborn and not likely to just disappear when we stop looking at pornography. - Recently I have been working to eliminate an extra 20 poounds that I’ve earned over the last 20 years. - I’m finding a lot of parallels to my struggle with pornography 1. Urges and cravings come from nowhere 2. The same techniques that I used to stop looking at pornography are helping me stop eating every time my brain says to a. Fast food b. Eating out c. Sugary treats d. Stopping, dropping into my body, and breathing e. Noticing what my brain is offering and asking if it is going to help me achieve my goals. f. 3. There are also some differences. a. I don’t feel the same kind of guilt when I grab a snack though I do feel guilt b. I don’t feel like I have to talk to my bishop 4. There are some similarities a. I tell my wife when I stop and get some food b. I don’t feel like I’m living up to who I say I am when I eat in ways that are contrary to how I’ve committed to eating. c. Understanding that this isn’t a diet but a way of life. d. Sometimes my wife gets upset that I am eating something we’ve agreed I wouldn’t

16 Aug 202122min