Telling Your Partner About Your Pornography Struggle

When I meet with a client for the first time during one of my free consults, I often hear this question asked in a variety of ways. “Is this going to help me eliminate my pornography struggle?“ What they are usually looking for is a confirmation that the work I do with people is going to be the very last thing they need to solve their pornography struggle. My standard answer is, “I don’t know if this is the last thing you need to know or just the next thing that you need to know. But everyone who struggles needs to know what I teach.” So, let me tell you guys what I do that helps people solve their pornography struggle in a way that sets them up for success. I want to start by saying that if you keep working at it, you aren’t failing, you are succeeding. The process I teach is a simple one that uses the techniques I’ve learned from the life coach school and the CTFAR model that was developed by Booke Castillo and Acceptance and Commitment Coaching developed by Steven C. Hayes Within those two systems, I help people learn how to solve for pornography with a variety of skills that I teach in three different settings. The three coaching settings that I have right now starts with individual coaching, where you and I work together for about 6 months and we focus on your individual needs. I teach and coach you alone during 12, 30-minute sessions. This gives us a thread of work to follow and a lot of people see their best work happen during these sessions. The second way that I get people moving in the right direction, is with my coaching membership. The coaching membership includes 4 open coaching calls each month, 2 for men and 2 for women. This usually breaks down along the lines of people struggling with Pornography and their wives, but that is not always the case. There are a number of women who participate in the women’s calls that also struggle with pornography. In this setting, I coach along with Darcy on the women’s calls and we help those who volunteer to be coached to get a different perspective on where they are and how they can move forward. The third way I help people is, once a year, I set up a group coaching program. If you’re a part of my mailing list, you will have gotten a coupon code to join that for 55% off this year. In the group coaching program, we get together weekly and coach just those in the group. Many of whom go on to be highly successful in their path away from their pornography struggle. If you want to learn more about how each of those work, feel free to set up a consult with me by going to zachspafford.com/workwithme. Or you can just email me at info@zachspafford.com So the next thing that you’ll want to know is, what do I teach. A lot of the things I teach are things I teach on this podcast. There are also some that I don’t teach on the podcast. That said, one of the main things that I teach is to become aware of the thoughts and feelings that are going on for you. I teach you how to become more aware and how to use that awareness to improve your ability to make the decisions that you want. I also teach you some really important things that your brain is doing, like, the motivational triad, confirmation bias, and feeling good in ambiguity among other things. These simple things that your brain does automatically, are part of the reason that pornography has such a powerful draw. Understanding how they work and what they do in your life that is helpful and not helpful is an ally in the process of retraining your responses to improve your outcomes when it comes to pornography. Being aware and understanding how your brain works give you a base to start from. Add that to skills designed specifically to deal with urges,...

29 Nov 202114min

This week Darcy and I discuss the talk given by Brad Wilcox in General Conference. It struck us as exactly the right tone to take with our own processes of eliminating pornography from our lives. If you have struggled with pornography and are working to quit, then this is the podcast for you. Check us out at zachspafford.com.

22 Nov 202127min

The cue, response, reward system of habit creation can also be used to intervene when our habits don't align with who we want to be. Here is a simple process that you can use every time to intervene when your brain offers you the chance to view pornography. If you are looking to eliminate an unwanted porn habit, this is the podcast for you. Learn more at zachspafford.com

15 Nov 202119min

In this interview, Andrea (Andi) talks about being a single woman who, for the last three years, has struggled with and begun to eliminate pornography. If you are someone who needs help with pornography, please set up a free consultation at zachspafford.com/workwithme.

8 Nov 202149min

Here are six essential, simple steps that you can use every time to eliminate unwanted urges to view pornography. If you are looking to eliminate an unwanted porn habit, this is the podcast for you. Learn more at zachspafford.com

1 Nov 202119min

This podcast is for Latter-day Saints (LDS) who want to overcome pornography and create the life they want. It's hosts teach you how to retrain your brain to completely quit pornography. If you are excited to move past your unwanted porn habit, this is the show for you. For more information on how to overcome porn please visit, zachspafford.com. To schedule a consult, go to zachspaffor.com/workwithme

25 Okt 202121min

How do I keep the urges to view pornography from coming back. Don’t judge who you are in that conversation - allow for neutrality in thoughts Someone can be beautiful or sexy without making it mean anything about you. Focus on what actions you want to take next Allowing the thought to be there Drop the judgment of what your brain offers you. Stop believing a thought is morally corrupt if you aren’t choosing it.

18 Okt 202126min

My wife used sex as a way to try and control me and I wanted her to My wife is a wonderful woman, whom I love and adore. She also used to try and control me with sex. It wasn’t always overt, and it wasn’t usually something that was designed to make me do something that I didn’t want to do. In fact, it was the opposite. She was trying to get me to not do something. She was trying to keep me from looking at porn and I didn’t really want to look at porn. I wanted to stop. It was always, in her mind, something she would do to “meet my needs”. And I thought she was, by her actions, “meeting my needs.” In her mind, my pornography problem was about controlling how often I needed to give in to my urges. If she could interrupt my urge by engaging with me sexually, then she was helping me. She thought she was helping control my choice to use pornography. She would ask questions like, “How are you doing today?” in an effort to gauge where I was and if she “needed” to intervene by providing me with an outlet for the day. What she was doing, in reality, was frustrating herself and rewarding my pleasure center for disconnected, isolating behavior. Two main things were frustrating her. First, was the fact that she could not, despite her best efforts, control my urges or when or how I acted on them. Whenever we try to control others, we will always find ourselves frustrated. They will rebel, they will deceive, they will find a way around you. People are like water; they will go wherever their personal gravity takes them. It is inevitable. Second, and I think more importantly, when what each of us really wanted was intimacy in the deepest and most connected sense of the word she was creating resentment and I was creating disappointment. Control is antithetical to intimacy because inherent in intimacy is trust and control requires none. She resented needing to look over my shoulder to make sure I was making good decisions. I was disappointed that the intimacy that I wanted wasn’t available in a resentful spouse Don’t get me wrong, when you and your spouse decide that pornography use is not ok in your household then both of you should take steps to create an environment where viewing pornography is difficult. I am also not condoning pornography use. I am also saying, whether you are a man or a woman, making a decision to intercede in the urges of your spouse in an effort to control their actions is not going to work out in the long run. Let’s flip this on its head for a moment. Imagine a wife who is struggling with eating sugary treats. Each morning her husband asks her how she is feeling about that cheesecake with fresh strawberries in the fridge. During that discussion the husband hears the wife is having a hard time not sneaking a piece. She knows that it is for dessert after dinner this evening, but that she really wants to have just a little. So, he says, I know what, I’ll help you out. I’ll meet your needs. I have a carrot for you. It should tide you over because carrots have a lot of sugar. His attempt to “help her out” places him in a position that makes no sense to anyone. He’s giving her a “sweet treat”, but it isn’t what she wants. Not really. She may even take and eat it. But she may feel resentful that he is trying to control what she eats. Do you see the parallels? What we all have to understand is that controlling others behavior isn’t really going to bring us or them to the place we want to be. It may only to create a short-term fix and will probably create a long-term negative effect. ...

11 Okt 202120min