A Widow - Jean Mellano

Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience.

If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988. When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary. The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally. Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.

Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).

Today we hear the perspective of a surviving partner. Her name is Jean Mellano. Steve and Jean met in 1981 and were together for over 33 years. Theirs was a love story and a tragedy. In 2013, Steve started slipping away and his depressions were becoming more frequent and longer in duration. Even though he sought professional help, he could no longer make decisions and was no longer capable of running his business.

For any survivor who is listening, this episode is so powerful because Jean shares her struggles before and after Steve’s death. Like many survivors, memories continue to surface at often unexpected times. After she finished this interview, Jean remembered something important that she wanted to make sure we include.

A few weeks before he passed, in a phone conversation, Steve shared with her that he was so afraid. When she asked what he meant, he could not—or did not want to—explain what he feared. Little did she know, he probably realized he was literally “losing his mind” and had no control over it. He felt he had no options left. Steve was her Ironman, her rock of support who got her through cancer and the passing of her parents—how could he possibly feel so vulnerable and alone? And how could she not know? These are the thoughts that continue to surface, even 7 years later. Sadly, this is common for survivors, so if you are going through this, you are not alone.

Notables:

• Jean often says that she had no idea he would try to take his own life. Less than 30 minutes before he passed, she received this text message from him.

• The things Jean remembers about their early days
  • Belly laughs: Steve already made her laugh so much. A good belly laugh is how Steve helped diagnose her tonsil cancer
  • Pity Parties: When Jean was going through a particularly tough chemo session, Steve took out some party hats and
  • "What the f*ck is she so happy about?"
• It's so easy to look back and wonder...
• When you live with someone who is suffering, the changes can be so small and incremental that it's hard to really know when they change into something more serious.
• Ativan was used to treat Steve's anxiety and depression - Jean believes it's possible that the drugs that helped early on stopped working
• Parkinson's: Jean was diagnosed with Parkinson's shortly after Steve died. She believes the grief and stress triggered her Parkinson's.
• Survivor's guilt is real and universal
• Grief and recovery resources were not easy to find at that time
• Jean feels she perpetuated the stigma about Steve's suicide by telling a local reporter not to include the cause of his death. Shortly after that initial response, she changed her attitude and openly shared about Steve's suicide.
• As Jean says, "She put her head in the sand."
• Steve's mission in life was to help people as evidenced by his career choices; lifeguard, applying to the FDNY, coach. He cared so much about helping others; it was tough to accept that he couldn't help himself.
• Resources: Facebook groups for survivors are more available now and can be very helpful, the AFSP is doing great things to support survivors and raise awareness, the suicide prevention hotline does a great job to help direct people

Medical Advisory:

The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan.

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Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io