To the Male Victims of Domestic Violence
I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship11 Dec 2019

To the Male Victims of Domestic Violence

Men aren’t the problem. But men are the solution.

I didn’t fully understand this statement before getting involved with Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services. But my time in the recording booth with our podcast team has opened my eyes to so much.

First, it’s normal to talk about victims with female pronouns because so many domestic violence victims we see are women, and their assailants, men.

But we know that victims aren’t only women. Men are victims, too. At the hands of both female and male abusers.

Secondly, through interviews with survivors and experts in this organization, I’ve learned that as a man, I don’t need to feel shunned because so often it’s my gender who’s violent. This isn’t an organization or a movement that’s against men. Organizations like DASAS are here to support men, just as we support women.

We want to put a stop to intimate partner violence by shining a light on it. It’s not okay to take the power away from a partner or other relationship. It’s not manly to control others.

I want to speak to the men here tonight. If you’re a man in an abusive relationship, it’s important to know that you’re not alone. Abuse of men happens far more often than you might expect—in both heterosexual and same sex relationships. It happens to men from all cultures and all walks of life regardless of age or occupation. However, men are often reluctant to report abuse because they feel embarrassed, fear they won’t be believed, or are scared that their partner will take revenge.

Domestic violence against men can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. Abusive relationships always involve an imbalance of power and control. An abuser uses intimidating, hurtful words and behaviors to control his or her partner.

It might not be easy to recognize domestic violence against men. Early in the relationship, your partner might seem attentive, generous and protective in ways that later turn out to be controlling and frightening.

You might be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:

  • Calls you names, insults you or puts you down

  • Prevents you from going to work or school

  • Stops you from seeing family or friends

  • Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear

  • Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful

  • Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs

  • Threatens you with violence or a weapon

  • Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you physically, your children or your pets

  • Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will

  • Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

Please. Don't take the blame.

You may not be sure whether you're the victim or the abuser. It's common for survivors of domestic violence to act out verbally or physically against the abuser, yelling, pushing or hitting him or her during conflicts. The abuser may use such incidents to manipulate you, describing them as proof that you are the abusive partner.

You may have developed unhealthy behaviors. Many survivors do. That doesn't mean you are at fault for the abuse.

If you're having trouble identifying what's happening, take a step back and look at larger patterns in your relationship. Then, review the signs of domestic violence. In an abusive relationship, the person who routinely uses these behaviors is the abuser. The person on the receiving end is being abused.

Even if you're still not sure, seek help. Intimate partner violence causes physical and emotional damage — no matter who is at fault.

If you’re gay, bisexual, or transgender, you can experience domestic violence and abuse if you’re in a relationship with someone who:

  • Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues, or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity

  • Tells you that authorities won’t help a gay, bisexual, or transgender person

  • Tells you that leaving the relationship means you’re admitting that gay, bisexual, or transgender relationships are deviant

  • Justifies abuse by telling you that you’re not “really” gay, bisexual, or transgender

  • Says that men are naturally violent

Regardless of gender, ending a relationship, even an abusive one, is rarely easy. It becomes even harder if you’ve been isolated from friends and family, threatened, manipulated, and controlled, or physically and emotionally beaten down.

You may feel that you have to stay in the relationship due to any of these reasons:

  • You feel ashamed. Many men feel great shame that they’ve been abused, been unable to stand up for themselves, or somehow failed in their role as a male, husband, or father.

  • Your religious beliefs dictate that you stay or your self-worth is so low that you feel this abusive relationship is all you deserve.

  • There’s a lack of resources. Many men worry they’ll have difficulty being believed by the authorities, or that their abuse will be minimized because they’re male, or find there are few resources to specifically help abused men.

  • You’re in a same sex relationship but haven’t come out to family or friends, and are afraid your partner will out you.

  • You’re in denial. Just as with female domestic violence victims, denying that there is a problem in your relationship will only prolong the abuse. You may still love your partner when they’re not being abusive and believe that they will change or that you can help them. But change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for their behavior and seeks professional treatment.

  • You want to protect your children. You worry that if you leave, your spouse will harm your children or prevent you from having access to them. Obtaining custody of children is always challenging for fathers, but even if you are confident that you can do so, you may still feel overwhelmed at the prospect of raising them alone.

If these sound familiar, you are not alone. We see you.

Domestic violence and abuse can have a serious physical and psychological impact. The first step to protecting yourself and stopping the abuse is to reach out. Talk to a friend, family member, or someone else you trust, or call a domestic violence helpline.

Admitting the problem and seeking help does not mean you have failed as a man or as a husband. You are not to blame, and you are not weak. As well as offering a sense of relief and providing some much-needed support, sharing details of your abuse can also be the first step in building a case against your abuser.

If you’re looking for help and need advice or advocacy, I want to encourage you to call 911 if it’s an emergency. Then, please reach out to DASAS. We’re here to help.

Our 24 hour hotline is 800-828-2023 and our website is dasas-mi-dot-org.

Domestic violence against men can have devastating effects. Although you may not be able to stop your partner's abusive behavior, you can seek help. Remember, no one deserves to be abused.

I encourage everyone to listen to our podcast, I’m Not In An Abusive Relationship, for hope, insight and encouragement.

Thank you for being here tonight.

If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources. I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.

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What is Domestic Violence?

What is Domestic Violence?

Ellen Higgins and Deborah Hackworth talk with Claudia Pahls about domestic violence in this episode. It's not about anger, it's about power and control. "An abuser isn't 'out of control.' They control themselves - they aren't abusing random people. They control their anger and abuse and focus it on their victims." Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.​ Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.​ Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating.​Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. Power and Control Wheel ​You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:​ Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you. Does not trust you and acts jealous or possessive. Tries to isolate you from family or friends. Monitors where you go, who you call and who you spend time with. Does not want you to work. Controls finances or refuses to share money. Punishes you by withholding affection. Expects you to ask permission. Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets. Humiliates you in any way.​ ​You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner has ever:​ Damaged property when angry (thrown objects, punched walls, kicked doors, etc.). Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or choked you. Abandoned you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place. Scared you by driving recklessly. Used a weapon to threaten or hurt you. Forced you to leave your home. Trapped you in your home or kept you from leaving. Prevented you from calling police or seeking medical attention. Hurt your children. Used physical force in sexual situations. Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.

22 Maj 201937min

Survivor Story - Tori's Story of Teen Dating Violence

Survivor Story - Tori's Story of Teen Dating Violence

From signs of jealousy to demeaning comments to obsessive behavior, red flags about teen dating violence can slip through undetected. For Tori, her teen dating violence story ended with her safely out of the relationship. It's not always that way. Tori is also a Child Advocate for DASAS. As she works with children, she understands what they're going through as a survivor herself. As a Child Advocate, Tori brings the Healthy Relationships program to schools. She teaches students what healthy relationships look like, how to find help when a relationship turns unhealthy, and how bystanders can help. Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.

15 Maj 201946min

Teen Dating Violence: What Is It and How to Deal With It

Teen Dating Violence: What Is It and How to Deal With It

How do you recognize dating violence in your teenager's relationship? Is jealousy a red flag? What about wanting to know "Who are you texting and talking to?" a normal part of teen dating? In this episode Claudia Pahls talks with Deb Hackworth, Director of Advocacy Services, and Tori, Child Advocate for DASAS. They cover healthy relationships, specifically among teenagers. This episode features some warning signs, tips on how to deal with the situation if your teen is in an unhealthy relationship, and more. Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.

8 Maj 201926min

What is the Trauma Impact of Sexual Assault

What is the Trauma Impact of Sexual Assault

How does trauma like sexual assault affect us? Licensed master social worker and DASAS therapist Elizabeth Alderson explores how trauma impacts people. Whether it's sexual assault or other trauma, we're all affected differently. Fight, flight, or freeze Where does trauma affect us? How can you find healing? What happens to our bodies and minds during trauma? Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.

1 Maj 201934min

Survivor Story - Abi's Story of Surviving Sexual Assault

Survivor Story - Abi's Story of Surviving Sexual Assault

Abi shares her story of sexual assault to offer hope to others facing abuse. Two instances of abuse shaped Abi's journey. A female babysitter first assaulted Abi when she was a child. "I didn't know it was wrong. I didn't know that adults (teenager) shouldn't do that." Between the ages of 4-and-6 years old, Abi's mom hired a family member to babysit her and her brothers. She remembers this teenage babysitter pretending that Abi was asleep. Years later as a teenager herself she realized what happened and knew it was molestation. At the time, her boyfriend encouraged her to keep it hidden so the perpetrator and Abi's family wouldn't be "traumatized" by the revelation. Eventually Abi was able to face the assault, understand how it impacted her, and begin healing. Years later as a freshman in college, Abi was studying with a male classmate who assaulted her. Eventually she left the college. It wasn't until a class at a different school that Abi realized that services existed to help survivors heal from their experiences. Both traumatic experiences affected Abi in different ways, which she shares in her conversation with DASAS Executive Director Rose Ludwick. Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources or call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023.

24 Apr 201921min

Myths Surrounding Sexual Assault

Myths Surrounding Sexual Assault

Welcome to I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship. Elizabeth Alderson and Ellen Higgins speak with Claudia Pahls about myths surrounding sexual assault. Most assaults are not strangers hiding in the shadows. Victims and survivors aren't just women. Men aren't the problem, but they are a major part of the solution. Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources.

17 Apr 201927min

#metoo and Sexual Abuse Awareness Month

#metoo and Sexual Abuse Awareness Month

The Domestic And Sexual Abuse Awareness panel takes on the #metoo movement and its impact on sexual assault awareness. How has #metoo affected reporting? Has #metoo triggered more reports? Where did #metoo start? How do you talk to children - and when - about appropriate touch and inappropriate touch?

10 Apr 201926min

What is Sexual Assault Awareness Month?

What is Sexual Assault Awareness Month?

I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship takes on Sexual Abuse Awareness Month. Host Claudia Pahls welcomes a panel from Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services to the show. Our panel: Deborah Hackworth, Director of Advocacy Services; Rose Ludwick, Executive Director of DASAS; Elizabeth Alderson, Licensed Master Social Worker & Therapist. What is sexual assault awareness month? What is denim day? Why denim? For the past 20 years, Peace Over Violence has run its Denim Day campaign on a Wednesday in April in honor of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. The campaign began after a ruling by the Italian Supreme Court where a rape conviction was overturned because the justices felt that since the victim was wearing tight jeans she must have helped the person who raped her remove her jeans, thereby implying consent. The following day, the women in the Italian Parliament came to work wearing jeans in solidarity with the victim. Peace Over Violence developed the Denim Day campaign in response to this case and the activism surrounding it. Since then, wearing jeans on Denim Day has become a symbol of protest against erroneous and destructive attitudes about sexual harassment, abuse, assault and rape. In this sexual violence prevention and education campaign we ask community members, elected officials, businesses and students to make a social statement with their fashion statement by wearing jeans on this day as a visible means of protest against the misconceptions that surround sexual violence.     Denim Day is April 24, 2019! How does sexual assault awareness month help survivors and prevention? Visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources.

27 Mars 201920min

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