E.80 - Transitioning and Mental Health with Arin Brutlag

Beth never felt quite at home in monogamous relationships and had heard of poly once upon a time, but after her second marriage didn't work out Beth decided to be intentionally single for a while and during that time she dove into polyam research and discovered Solo-Polyamory. I ask Beth about the things that she had to accept about herself and accept herself as a polyamorous woman, and she explains how she had to unlearn monogamy before she could even begin that process. As it turns out, this interview is pretty pivotal in Beth's journey as it is the first time she has disclosed polyamory as part of her identity in a public forum, and it just happens to be October 11, National Coming Out Day when this interview was recorded! After some chatting about Brene Brown's obsession with vulnerability, Beth share her thoughts on the relationship between vulnerability and self-acceptance, and oh boy did this conversation get deep! This heartfelt chat with such an awesome person was so fun and refreshing. I think a lot of people will resonate with Beth. Support Beth by going to www.singleparentsproject.com and follow her on IG: @butterflybeth !

19 Okt 202134min

Roy Graff has been on the show once before, but in the months that followed he has teamed up with several other creators for events and he's now moderating the men's Discord channel for Remodeled Love. After sharing a few details of his collaborations, we jump right into talking about the differences in solo-poly, non-hierarchical, and just dating around. Roy talks about some common misconceptions around solo-poly, including the perceived lack of commitment that people incorrectly believe SoPo folks have in their relationships. To get a better understanding of some relational differences, we get into the what makes open relationships and swinging different from polyamory, and Roy reminds us that long-term intimate relationships open the door for more. It's unreasonable to expect complete coldness, and we can't control or regulate feelings in non-monogamous relationships. We then dig into some things that are important to SoPo folx, such as independence and autonomy, and how those values coincide with being able to offer commitment in a relationship. Roy offers great insight on these potentially competing values, and shares reflections on his own experience while offering thoughts on the relationships he's seen in his coaching practice. All around this was a fantastic round two with Roy, and a conversation you won't want to miss! Learn more about Roy at www.openrelating.love and follow him everywhere @openrelating !

13 Okt 202133min

Alonna Donovan Makinson was inspired to serve the polyam community when, as a practicing therapist, she discovered an abundance of polyam clients and a nearly complete lack of polyam affirming therapists in her area. We dive right into the constant bombardment of messaging from all sorts of media sources, and how the "one man, one woman" messaging and lack of representation in the media for the majority of our history impacts all of us as a society at large. Isolation and lack of social support are just a few negative side effects, especially when our relationship choices might be considered a deviance. I grill Alonna pretty hard on the idea of deviance, especially where non-monogamy falls in the DSM, and the changes that Alonna sees in expanding psychology education to include non-monogamous relationship structures. Learn more about Alonna at www.life-tree-consulting.com !

11 Okt 202131min

Miss Nookie is a kinky educator and runs datingkinky.com, a FREE service to help kinky folx find more than just one another; she facilitates kinky folx finding the resources and tools they need for successful kinky relationships! In this fun-filled episode, Miss Nookie and I talk about her newest book, The Big Book of Ass, and despite a minor giggle fit here and there, we get to some really great conversation around all things anal. Miss Nookie talks about getting comfortable with butt play, encouraging folx to learn to relax. She explains some human anatomy (did you know we have two sphincters?!), and how to gain trust to allow both sphincters to be ready for insertion. Next we get into demystifying some of the stories we might hear around anal play, and Miss Nookie gives some good advice for those who might have some messy kinks. She also gives some tips on finding the right toys for anal play to make sure that nothing goes in, without being able to come back out! We talk about important health implications when engaging in anal sex, especially around the transference of bacteria, and whether any of what we talked about changes for gay men versus heterosexual couples engaging in anal play. Learn more by visiting www.datingkinky.com and follow on IG: @datingkinkyofficial !

6 Okt 202134min

In this fun episode, my metamour Jason Daubert hops on to chat with me and see what polyam topics we might cover. We start by taking a page out of the Daylover's book (@RemodeledLove on IG) and start with Jason's privileges, which leads into some great conversation about the terminology that we use in our polyam communities. I use "partner in common" instead of "shared partner" to describe the partner that connects us, and we talk about the connotation of possessiveness that we're addressing by changing our language. We also dive into the importance of pronouns (another important piece of the language that we use), and some of the challenges we might face when learning people's pronouns, especially if those pronouns have changed in the time we've known that person. We then jump into talking about our experience as metas, starting with how things have been for him since our partner in common and I started dating. Jason shares his experience first, describing himself as someone who isn't very possessive, but still experiences the FOMO part of jealousy. Then he turns the question around on me and I share my experience of being the new partner, compared to their pre-existing relationship, and coming to terms with our individuality and uniqueness in our partner's life. This was super fun, and I'm confident Jason and I will do this again soon!

5 Okt 202136min

Annie Boheler is a Somatics Certified therapist and we kick off this conversation by talking about the importance of having connection to and balance in our bodies, and how somatics training and therapy can help us find that connection. On the subject of balance, we jump right into talking about what should or shouldn't be shared between multiple partners. Annie encourages us to question our reasons for sharing or asking for information, and recognizing where those questions are coming from--investigate our intentions. We talk about the communication that need to happen between partners when asking what information can/can't be shared, and how to prepare for the potential of being told no. We get deeper here, when talking about how the person saying no might feel guilt for doing so, and how we can make space to sit with those feelings and be true to ourselves. Learn more about Annie at www.annielovage.net and follow her on IG: @rewildingintimacy !

4 Okt 202131min

Greg and Leanne Million have been together more than five year (married for one) after meeting on OK Cupid, and during their relationship they have gone through phases of opening and closing their relationship. Both have had non-monogamous relationships in the past, but they are still imperfect humans with emotions that need to be examined and harnessed. As Greg notes, the one thing that connects us all is our emotions! Leanne shares what emotions she was feeling when their relationship began as an open one, and she explains the conversations they had as they came to the mutual decision of temporarily closing their relationship. Greg's superpower is helping other recognize the power of vulnerability, and the vulnerability he showed during this recording was incredible! Greg was completely honest about which of them was asking for the relationship to be closed, and he shares his struggles and lessons learned through the process. Greg and Leanne explain how we can practice harnessing our emotions rather than letting them take the reins, and using the power of those feelings to create lasting connections through vulnerability, physical activity, and intentional intimacy. Learn more about Greg and Leanne at www.gregmillion.com and www.leannemillion.com, and follow them on IG: @leannemillion and @thegregmillion !

29 Sep 202147min

Kieran Grosman is a transman, kinky, polyam therapist out of ++++ who never had a successful fight with a partner. Every time the first fight happened, it spelled the end of the relationship! Kieran knew there had to be a better way, and therapy helped him learn and implement strategies to improve his relationships. Kieran shares his experience with dysthymic disorder, what he describes as a continuous low-grade depression stemming from his closeted queer- and transness. Therapy saved his life by giving him the strength, coping mechanisms, and ability to identify with his queerness and embrace authenticity. The pandemic has made life more difficult for a lot of folx, but one advantage that Kieran notes is the accessibility of more diverse therapy options. He talks about how important it is for queer folx to have a queer therapist, someone who can practice mirroring and be a beacon of hope to let them know they can make it through those hard times. Kieran also explains changes he's seeing in his practice of more acceptance of trans or queer partners, along with the acceptance of potential exploration through polyamory for the partner discovering their new identity. He also shares two unexpected side effects of his transition, first becoming "invisible" as a masc-portraying person, and second being seen as "the enemy" by the lesbian community he previously knew. Every minute of this interview had me on the edge of my seat, and Kieran's final thoughts came as a bit of a surprise: a call for gentleness and understanding toward an older generation. You'll have to tune in to hear it! Learn more about Kieran at www.kgrosmanpsyd.com !

28 Sep 202130min