#261 - What Is Your Problem?

Just because you don't feel good doesn't mean you are depressed. "Dark emotions" are not just normal and healthy parts of life, they are also essential to personal growth. Feeling unhappy is often the catalyst for making positive changes in your life. There is light and dark in all things. Experiencing grief, sadness, disappointment, hurt, and regret - unpleasant though they may be - are part of being a whole person. Furthermore, listening to those hard feelings and taking guidance from them can help you understand yourself, your core needs, and your values more clearly. Even though they don't feel good in the moment, dark emotions are not just healthy... they are valuable. When you listen to those feelings instead of dismissing them as "bad," you have the chance to heal and grow. What is Depression? Depression is different from the pain of a "growth moment." Depression is not motivating, instructive or valuable. It's an illness. Depression is a mood state that impacts the way you think, feel, and behave. Unlike the dark emotions that are connected to growth opportunities, depression is not productive or constructive. In fact, depression can be a serious illness that needs to be treated and relieved before meaningful personal growth is possible. On today's episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm taking you inside depression, so you can understand what it is -- and what it is not. I'll help you identify the symptoms of depression in yourself or your loved one. Depression Management Strategies We'll also talk about what to do if you think you have depression so that you can create a practical strategy for conquering it. We'll talk about natural remedies for depression, cognitive behavioral therapy, and when medication for depression is the best idea. I'll also discuss what to do if you suspect that your partner or loved one is depressed, and how you can help them recover. Depression exists on a spectrum from mild to serious. One thing I discuss on the podcast is that when depression becomes very serious, it can become life threatening. Here are links to get emergency help if you or your loved one are in real trouble and need help immediately: Colorado Crisis Hotline: 1-844-493-8255 National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 I hope this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast helps you identify what's going on in your life, and whether you're dealing with depression or a "growth opportunity." If you do believe that depression is gaining power in your life, I hope this discussion provides you with both hope (as depression is very treatable) as well as actionable steps you can start taking today. Lisa Marie Bobby

19 Okt 20161h 6min

Do you have hundreds of "friends," yet still feel disconnected? As a therapist, people share their deepest feelings and fears with me. What I've been hearing a lot lately is about is how disconnected and alone many of my clients feel, even though they may have contact with dozens upon dozens of people a day. Ironic, right? But there is such a difference between knowing people, and truly being known. Having contacts is not the same as having authentic connection. Many people with dozens of "friends" are still craving actual friendships where they feel known, valued, and understood. I'm a marriage counselor first, so my podcast and blog often does skew on the side of discussing your relationship with your "primary attachment" (that's shrink-speak for "significant other."). However having meaningful friendships and close connections in your life is just as important to your over all happiness and well being as the state of your marriage. In fact, having close friends that you trust and who you can be emotionally intimate with can buffer you from the rest of life's ups and downs. But, creating and maintaining authentic connection and friendship can be challenging. This is especially true as people move out of their twenties, and into their thirties and beyond. For one thing, it's harder to meet people when you're not going out all the time. Secondly, it's challenging to spend time with the friends you have when everyone is stretched so thin between their careers, their families, making time for their spouse, and just keeping their lives in order. It's about the best we can do to comment on each other's posts once in a while. How to Have More Friendship in Your Life To discuss this issue that affects so many people, and get some practical tips on how to cultivate authentic friendship in your life, I have enlisted the support of an expert: one of MY oldest and dearest friends, Amy Rocen. Amy is not a therapist or a life coach, but of all the people I have ever met - personally or professionally - she is truly an authority on making and keeping good friends. She's graciously agreed to discuss her "friendship super power with me" on this edition of the Love, Happiness & Success podcast. We're going to be talking about the things that she and I have done to keep our friendship strong and emotionally intimate for over twenty years. Amy is also going to be sharing her tips for how to connect with new people, as well as her perspective on how to keep a rich and full life of meaningful relationships through the ups and downs of time.

3 Okt 20161h 5min

Am I in the "right" relationship? How do I find my soulmate? Are we truly compatible? Many people show up for dating coaching, life coaching or even marriage counseling with a lot of angst around these unanswered questions. People who are dating can wonder if they've found "the one." Premarital couples sometimes worry whether they're compatible enough to get married. And even married or long time partnered people can wonder if their relationship issues are due to their being too different. (Or having "perpetual problems" as marriage and family researcher Dr. John Gottman likes to call it). I'm simply glad that people are asking these kinds of relationship questions. After all, who you choose to marry is going to have a greater impact on the quality of your life and your long term happiness than just about anything else. And it's also true that everyone is a mixed bag, with aspects to them that are both delightful and frustrating as all get out. So how do you determine what is a relationship red flag, or sign that you're fundamentally incompatible? How to you figure out what differences are okay? When do opposites not just attract, but actually strengthen a partnership? When can you have big differences, and yet still be highly compatible soul mates? The answers might surprise you! On today's episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm going to talk through all these questions with you. To do this though, I need to wear three hats. Relationship Compatibility in Marriage First, I'm going to put on my marriage counselor cape hat and talk about the most common culprits that make married couples wonder if they are compatible or not. Listen and learn what (frustrating!) differences might actually be strengths for your relationship, and what differences are harder to overcome. I'll also give you tips for how to build bridges to the center, and appreciate each other for who you are. Want to see an example of this in action? Check out my recent post: "How Jenny and Greg Fixed Their Relationship."  Finding Your Soulmate Next I'm putting on my dating coach  wizard hat to talk about the serious business of finding your soul mate. Dating is all about "auditioning" people and getting to know them over time. I'll share the down low on the biggest mistake I see dating people make, and how it can impair their ability to find a true soul mate. If you are on the dating market, I'll help you understand what's important to look for in a potential partner, and what is NOT as important when you're looking for love. I'm also sharing some practical steps you can take to make sure that you're finding a good match in terms of both character and chemistry. For Premarital Couples Lastly, I'm sharing my advice as a premarital counselor. If you're planning a wedding with some lingering questions on your mind, you'll want to check out the case example I shared about what it looks like when someone is NOT asking the right questions leading up to marriage. The best time to prevent potential pitfalls is before the wedding. It's essential to have serious conversations about your personalities, hopes and dreams, and expectations prior to the "I Do's." Why? First of all, it's enormously helpful to get on the same page and identify potential problems before you're married. But an even bigger reason? Because the one of the most serious red flags for a relationship is not being able to talk through important things respectfully. If you are literally not able to have "Who are we, what do we each want, and how are we going to get on the same page?" conversations together, you might want to slow down. Relationship Compatibility Test One of the resources I talked through on the show is Dr. Helen Fisher's personality test. If you would like to take it for yourself (and / or ask your partner to) you can find it here: http://bit.ly/2cOmEX6. For more information about the ideas behind Dr. Fisher's compatibility quiz and how they impact people in relationships, I highly recommend her book, "Why Him, Why Her." With love,  Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com

19 Sep 20161h 7min

Healing From Infidelity, Emotional Affairs, and Betrayal As a Denver marriage counselor for over a decade, I've had an up close, front-row seat to all aspects of the tragedy of infidelity. I know with certainty that being involved in an affair is one of the most traumatic and damaging things that someone can live through. When feelings of lust and romantic infatuation overwhelm someone's core values, commitment and good judgment, families can be shattered, and lives are often ruined. In the aftermath of infidelity, everyone involved is left feeling emotionally bankrupt and broken, and with unanswered questions blaring in their heads. This podcast is my attempt to answer some of them: Why do affairs happen? Why does infidelity happen in even happy marriages? Why is everyone in a love triangle profoundly damaged by the experience? What are the early signs that an affair is simmering? Most importantly: How do you even begin to recover, not just your relationship, but yourself in the aftermath of an affair? Protecting Your Marriage From an Affair Affairs, like any other type of cancer or addiction, throw off lots of red flags and warning signs in the early stages. If you know what to look for you can check yourself, and / or protect your marriage. Early intervention is key, and I'll show you what to watch out for to prevent the nightmare of an affair from unfolding in your life. Rebuilding a Marriage After the Affair If you are in a marriage that has been shattered by an affair, I want you to know that hope, healing and forgiveness are possible. An affair does not necessarily mean that divorce is around the corner. While it is hard work to rebuild trust in the aftermath of an affair under the guidance of a competent marriage counselor many couples are able to not just heal from infidelity, but create a stronger and more satisfying relationship than ever before. I'll share the key ingredient to help you start growing back together again. Healing After Betrayal Being cheated on, lied to, and betrayed by your number-one person cuts deeply into soft places that are hard to heal. Recovery involves repairing your self esteem, working through grief and anger, and learning how to trust again -- both other people, and often yourself. I'll give you some tips for how to understand what happened, and protect yourself from future betrayals. Forgiving the Unforgivable Furthermore, hope and recovery is also possible for The Other and The Occupied -- the people who did terrible things over the course of an affair that they now feel ashamed about. No one gets out of a love triangle unscathed. When betrayals happen in the context of a toxic relationship, everyone involved is emotionally wounded in the process. Abandoning your values, and feeling that you've allowed yourself to be degraded by an affair can leave your self-respect mangled, and damage your trust in yourself -- not to mention your trust in others. The silver lining: We'll be talking about how such unique pain brings with it an equally unique opportunity to learn, grow, and become a better, healthier, more powerful person because of it. Recovering From Infidelity On this episode of The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast we are descending into the darkness of infidelity together, so that you can understand how and why affairs start, how to prevent affairs from happening, and how to rebuild your life if you have been through any aspect of this experience. I sincerely hope it helps you on your journey of growth and healing. With love, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby   Music Credits of this episode: PJ Harvey: Dry and To Bring You My Love (Albums)

5 Sep 201657min

Restore Your Sexual Connection Feeling disconnected sexually is one of the first signs that a relationship may be heading for trouble. But it can be a difficult topic for couples to address openly, even in marriage counseling. Despite feeling sadness, rejection, pressure, or frustration around sexuality, many couples feel inhibited from discussing it with each other: It just feels too vulnerable. So they avoid the conversation. Over time, unfortunately, they often become increasingly disconnected -- both sexually and emotionally -- as a result. Don't let this happen to your relationship. It's time to fearlessly face your sexual relationship, and start having the open conversations that will help not just restore your sex life, but restore the emotional intimacy and positivity to your relationship again. Be honest: Is your sex life withering? Has it been weeks, months or even years since you and your partner had a meaningful, let alone erotic, sexual experience together? Does sex feel more like another obligation as opposed to a pleasurable point of connection? Are you starting to feel more like room-mates or buddies than lovers? If so, you're not alone. Many busy, high achieving couples start to lose their sexual connection over time as the "stuff of life" starts taking priority over sexual intimacy. Keeping eroticism and passion alive in long term relationships requires effort and intention, but unfortunately it's one of the easiest things to put off. Many couples let it go for too long, and over time start to experience negative consequences in many different areas of their relationship as a result. The good news is that intimacy and desire can be restored. You can have a vibrant, enjoyable sexual connection again. The first step on this journey is educating yourself and learning new ideas that will help you address the core issues affecting most dissatisfying sexual relationships. On this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm offering my best advice on how to: Stop neglecting your sexual relationship Have time and energy to invest in your erotic connection Increase your (and / or your partner's) sexual desire Use your sexual relationship as a vehicle for personal growth Listen, and learn how to banish "sexual apathy" from taking over your marriage, and what new research on sexuality and desire shows about how to bring sexual energy back to life -- both in yourself, and in your partnership. I hope this information helps you start to find your way back together again. Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com

10 Aug 201652min

Getting Married is a Big Deal. Do it Right. Are you ready for fancy dresses, impromptu family reunions, teary toasts, and inebriated aunts doing embarrassing things on the dance floor? Yes, it's wedding season, y'all. While most of the time on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast we talk about how to have a great relationship, today, in honor of wedding season, we're talking about the art and craft of weddings themselves. Why? For the last few months we've had droves of young couples at Growing Self preparing themselves to have fantastic marriages, through either our "I Do!" premarital counseling program, or our Denver premarital counseling class, "A Lifetime of Love." It's inspiring to see so many smart couples who are heading off potential problems by doing premarital counseling so I decided to make you all a little wedding present. If you're not getting married yourself this year, it's highly likely that you'll be a guest at a wedding. And that comes with it's own set of challenges. Anytime far-flung extended family and friends come together for an alcohol infused weekend, drama can ensue. How do you support your loved one who is getting married while setting healthy boundaries, and still have a good time in the process? Whether you are gearing up for a large scale traditional wedding, an intimate gathering to formalize your partnership, weddings are a big deal. A marriage is an incredibly meaningful and important day, and it can be uniquely stressful to plan and prepare for. On this episode of the podcast I've invited Laura Pearson, founder of L Elizabeth Events, to share some of the things she's learned from her 10 years of experience as a Denver wedding planner. Some of the questions I've asked her on your behalf: What are some of the biggest mistakes engaged couples make? What's the secret to enjoying your wedding, instead of being a stress-case? How do you handle intrusive parents? What can you do to make your wedding more enjoyable and meaningful for your guests? As a guest, what do you need to do to support your friend or family member on their big day? Listen Now! Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com

27 Juni 201646min

Becoming a Family: The Greatest Adventure of All Nothing can quite prepare you for the realities of parenthood. Life with babies and small children is, for most couples, a total shock to the system. As joyful and meaningful as this stage of life is, it can be very difficult. If you aren't thoughtful and intentional about what you're doing, parenthood can quickly become a chaotic, frustrating experience -- and take a huge toll on your marriage. As a marriage counselor, I'm always thrilled when smart, proactive couples show up for premarital counseling. My only wish is that more would show up for "pre-baby counseling." Because having a baby is a much bigger deal, emotionally and relationally, than getting hitched. Unfortunately, there is no such thing. Do a quick google search and about the only thing you find about "preparing for a baby" has to do with fitness, nutrition, and the ocean of baby-gear that you could acquire.  Having kids changes everything, but it's hard to imagine what those changes will be until you actually do it. Most couples experience challenges that never occurred to them were even possible, while they were spending leisurely days shopping for baby furniture and talking about how much fun family fishing trips will be. (Or were consumed with riding the rollercoaster of protracted infertility).  From the first day that little bundle is home, they are both faced with needing to make major changes around everything from they way they communicate, to expectations about what should be happening, to a higher need for teamwork, to establishing new systems so everything runs smoothly, to what role they each take with each other and as parents. Sprinkle in some anxiety, post part depression, sleep deprivation, no game plan, and a screaming baby and it can get tense pretty fast. It's a major life transition, and a lot to deal with. And if you just let it go, and hope for the best it's quite possible to become a statistical average and not enjoy the experience that that much. Research on marital satisfaction over the family life cycle has shown that there is a trend towards lower enjoyment of married life after having kids.  Here's the depressing graph: www.growingself.com/parenting-without-losing-your-mind-yourself-or-your-marriage  Parenting Together CAN Be Joyful That graph does not have to be YOUR reality. You are not a statistical average. You are a person with free will, choices, and you're already taking control over the situation by educating yourself. You get to be in charge of your life, and your family experience.  I'm here as a wife, mom, and marriage and family therapist to tell you that life with kids doesn't have to be difficult, and it does not need to negatively impact your marriage. In fact, if you put even half as much time into figuring out your post-baby game plan (and your own personal growth opportunities) as you do into childbirth preparation classes you can avoid many of the most common pitfalls of new parents.  Embracing the opportunities to grow that this phase of life offers will expand you. Parenthood is truly a vehicle to personal evolution. Even more importantly, when you intentionally grow skills in a few key areas you can cultivate a stronger marriage than you had pre-baby: You can have better communication, stronger agreement, more teamwork, and more fun than ever before. Except that it can be even more meaningful, important, and love drenched -- and probably messier -- that you ever imagined. On this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm going to be sharing some tips about where to where to start if you want to have a peaceful home, a strong marriage, great communication, easy kids, be on the same page with your partner, and have a shared vision for your family that is rooted in your core values. All the best,  Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

6 Juni 201649min

Sometimes Leaping ForwardRequires Letting Go... As a Life Coach and Executive Coach I talk to a lot of drivengo-getters. My clients often have an insatiable appetite forconstant-and-never-ending growth, achievement, andself-improvement. They are truly amazing, talented, and incrediblysuccessful people with an unquenchable thirst for forward progressand success. Does this sound like you, too? First of all: Thankyou. The world as we know it exists because of peoplelike you. Your motivation, your drive, your vision, and youroptimism are the psychic fuel that runs the engines of ourcivilization. Thank you for being you. And... If you are like most strong,naturally driven and forward-focused people there are also not-funtimes when your motivation leaves the building, your energyflags, your focus becomes diffuse, and your wheels spin. And spin.And spin. And for naturally focused, driven, achievement orientedpeople that "down time" can be a very anxiety provoking experience.In fact, many of my Life Coaching and Executive Coaching clients show up for help when theyhave this experience, because they feel like something is wrong.They've lost their sparkle, and their clear sense ofpurpose.  There is a novel solution torecharge your passion, restore your creativity, and usher in a newphase of productivity and purpose. But the paradoxical remedy mightsurprise you. What to Do When YourGet-Up-And-Go Has Got-Up-And-Went:Listen now...   xo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com Music Credits: I Live inThe Springtime, by The Lemon Drops

2 Maj 201637min