How to talk to someone with the wrong politics (not yours)

Gina DiPietro 0:06
talking politics in america is becoming more difficult than ever as exasperated with the other side is generating new levels of anxiety, frustration and rage. Welcome to Novant Health healthy headlines, I'm Gina dipietro. It's often a challenge to talk politics with someone who has a differing opinion. In this episode, we asked soltana Anna's rottie, a Novant Health psychotherapist, how to have a political discussion with someone you truly don't agree with. She talks with Cliff Martens, about how to control emotions, when to bow out have a conversation, and other tips to avoid turning every political discussion into a battlefield. Thank you for listening.

Cliff Mehrtens 0:49
What's the best way to talk to someone who politically you might completely disagree with?

Soltana Nosrati 0:54
So I know a little bit about that I am a unique person in my family and that everyone is one thing, and I'm completely the opposite. And so the topic comes up quite often. And they feel very strongly about therapy. And this isn't just extended families with my actual parents and my sister's. And what we discovered is initially, when all of this started happening, we were in opposing sides, and it got kind of heated. And we realized that the feelings we had for each other or a little bit stronger. And so we decided to focus on the issues. So instead of talking about who this person represents, versus this person represents, we stopped to okay healthcare, what do you think should happen with healthcare, and we found that we had a lot less to argue about things worked out really well. And we haven't really had an argument in probably about four years, despite everything that's happened, including what recently happened. And I, I see this by patients a lot. So

I'm a psychotherapist working in North Carolina, there is a diverse set of opinions here. And I come across patients often who don't agree with my personal opinion, although they're not aware of what it is. And I just try to see their point, so that I can help them with the issue that they're bringing forward.

Cliff Mehrtens 2:16
Currently, as we're getting ready to change political political parties and a new president there's a lot of rage, a lot of anger, and it's it's bubbled to the top its way and a lot of people it's consuming them. But how can you individually How can you best control your rage at the current events that are going on in America.

Soltana Nosrati 2:39
So instead of trying to shove it down as an unacceptable feeling, it's better to acknowledge that you have the right to feel the way that you do. And you got to listen carefully here. So if I'm angry, or I feel rage, it's okay. It's a human emotion. And it might not be as comfortable as joy and compassion. It's just as much of a feeling and people say anger is not a feeling is ask anybody's in his, you know, watch the news in the last couple of weeks. Anger is definitely a feeling, the feeling you can't control. We know this scientifically, when we're all the studies that have been done that you cannot control the way you feel. It's just the way you feel. But what you do have absolute control over is your behavior, the best way to mitigate maybe some impulsive behaviors you want to get into or anything like that would be to just acknowledge first that you have a right to feel anger. If you feel anger, acknowledge it, and then try to have some compassion in the same way that you would for someone that you really deeply care about. It's the only way you can sort of think clearly, and make better decisions. Because your behaviors, unfortunately, are 100% within your control. And you could always choose different even if you do feel angry.

Cliff Mehrtens 3:58
So we're in a small group discussing something and someone brings up a point. That's completely opposite of what I may think, politically, do I pull them aside one on one to discuss it? Do I blurt out in the crowd? You know, you I totally disagree with you, you're wrong, on and on and on? What's the most? What's the most beneficial for both parties? How should I handle a situation like that?

Soltana Nosrati 4:22
So if it's at work, I would avoid it because I'm pretty sure every single company I've ever heard had, has a strict policy against communicating about politics. But say you're in a small group with your friends and you're just having a chitchat like a dinner or at a you know, social gathering. It's okay to express your opinion. But you want to be very careful that when you're expressing it, you're choosing your words with respect. So if you have respect, you can have opposing opinions. Now just because you're choosing your words with respect. You also are in tune to this other person. So they're starting to act out because Your opinion tends to differ from theirs, the best option would be to just drop it. Wait until like a few days later, if you are friends and say, Hey, you know, you and I don't agree, but that really wasn't necessary. You know, that kind of thing? And sometimes leaving is a really good idea. Like,

Cliff Mehrtens 5:22
what sort of questions can you ask to get a better viewpoint of someone's political views as opposed to being attacked using attacking sentences and words like that? What can I ask to get a better viewpoint with the way they might be thinking?

Soltana Nosrati 5:39
So it depends on what they're thinking. Like I said, if it's if it's a strong opinion about a particular person, like the president, or a particular governor, or what have you, you're a highly unlikely to get very far. Because you can't argue with who you like and who you don't like, right? It's very, they either like them, or they don't. That's kind of how it falls. But if it's about a topic, I would ask the I often say things like, Well, why don't you educate me? educate me about you, and then ask questions that are meant to invoke information versus emotions. So okay, so I see that you don't like the new policy about health care? What is it that you don't like? And who have you seen done it? Do it better? Or what do you think is a better solution? So you kind of can gather information that's useful versus inflammatory?

Cliff Mehrtens 6:33
What are some good tips to to find common ground, I realize this person may not know this group of people may not agree with me, and I'm never going to convert them. But how can we find common ground where we can coexist without, you know, burning down buildings or really attacking each other,

Soltana Nosrati 6:48
um, focus on the basic needs. So everybody who has children cares about the children, everybody that has a home would like to keep it. Everybody wants to be able to work and support themselves. That's usually a common ground, regardless of what the political party is, or where that person happens to be in life does that. So it's very easy to have a productive conversation when you focus on the basic stuff.

Cliff Mehrtens 7:16
What are some tips to avoid a confrontational tone, it's easy to yell and scream. And I call you an idiot because you don't think like I do.

Soltana Nosrati 7:28
I am a hothead. I have a temper, I jumped into my into my my cultural background. But one of the best things that I learned is if you are going somewhere where you know, like, for example, is in a party where you know, some people will agree with you, and some people don't. My suggestion is, before you even knock on that door, take a few cleansing breaths, right? And remember why you're showing up in the first place? Like why are you going to this dinner party, when someone is having a saying something that you find to be upsetting pay attention to y...