#430 Signs You’re Married to a Narcissist (And How to Cope)

It's Time to Grow.  Many people think that the most natural time to make big changes to their lives is around the New Year. Many people flock to life coaching around then, to help them actualize their resolutions. But, as a life coach, I'm going to let you in on a little-known secret: While the turn of the year is certainly a poetic time for transitions, there's actually one that's more powerful and effective if you really want to make change in your life. And that time is now. Why? Think about it: For all of your formative years, your life had a natural rhythm built around the school year. Summer was a time of self discovery and expansion. You got to step out of the daily grind for a little while, have new experiences, focus on relationships, and generally relax. Then as every new school year began, you had a new opportunity, and a new beginning. Your clothing and school supplies were freshened. Plans were made. Intentions were set. And you got clean slate on which to reinvent yourself, define your new identity, and create a different reality with each passing year. And most years, you succeeded, didn't you? You moved forward. You grew and changed. You were able to manifest a new incarnation of yourself. Every year was a chapter in the ever-evolving story of you. This cycle was repeated over and over and over from the time you were a small child, until well into your twenties and beyond. Our work and vacation seasons still follow this natural order. If you're a parent, you're reliving something similar with your children now. This natural cycle of growth and regeneration is now pretty much hard-wired into your system -- even if you're not in school anymore. However, many adults are no longer consciously aware of the ebb and flow of this seasonal growth energy in their lives. They just move from season to season without thinking too much about it. Sadly, they miss the opportunity for reflection transformation that this time of year affords. But today I'm here to help you learn how to through fully and intentionally harness the power of this special time, and take advantage of it. By deliberately using the psychological and emotional forces that become available to you during this unique time of year, you can make important and lasting change in your life. On this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'll be walking you through some new ideas and activities that will help you give your entire life a makeover. To start, you'll learn how to begin the process of shedding the old, and embracing the new. We'll cover how to de-clutter and re-organize your relationships, your habits, the way you're managing your time, your energy, and yourself. You'll learn how to take stock of different areas of your life to figure out what's working for you, what's worth building on, and what it's time to release. I'll give you some strategies to help you reflect and gain self awareness around the thoughts, feelings and behaviors that need to be released. Then we'll talk about how to craft a plan for this chapter of your life, that includes setting the goals and making the daily changes that will help you create the life you want. You deserve all the love, happiness and success in the world, and I sincerely hope that these ideas help you create it. xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com

1 Aug 201743min

Looking for free relationship advice from a marriage counselor? Here it is... Everyone needs relationship advice sometimes, and it can be hard to know where to go for trustworthy advice that will help you repair your relationship. (Sadly, much of what you find online is not evidence-based). One of the most meaningful things I do in my role here as a marriage counselor and relationship coach is putting lots of free information out into the world, in hopes that it connects with you at your time of need. Today, I'm making a show of it. Literally. I have people from all over the world get in touch with me, asking fantastic (and heartfelt) relationship questions. I want you to know and I get all these questions. I've been listening to you, and hearing what you're looking for help with. Today, I'm here with answers. I've picked a handful of a few of the most frequent types of relationship questions I commonly hear, and am addressing them personally on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. On today's show I'm dishing out some real relationship advice that answers listener questions, like: "How to I manage my own 'baggage' in such a way as to not negatively impact my relationship?" "Should I let a relationship go, or give it another try?" "My husband is totally withdrawing and won't talk to me -- what do I do?" "We are fighting about everything: Kids, communication, finances, and more. How do we even start repairing this?" I bet you can relate to some of these, and if so I hope that my perspective finds the two of you help you find your way back together again. Do you have a question for an upcoming episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast? Leave it in the comments of this episode -- I might use them on a "Relationship Questions, Round 2" podcast soon!  xoxo,  Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com

18 Juli 20171h 6min

Do you compare your life and your accomplishments to those of other people? In this day and age it's harder than ever to trust your own ideas, believe in yourself, and actualize a self-directed vision. Why? There are many forces at work in our culture that make us question whether we're measuring up. Not least of these is our consumption of social media -- the never-ending digital conveyor belt of information about all the amazing things our friends and acquaintances are doing with their lives, in vivid color. Vacations, milestones, weddings, births, and promotions are artfully showcased to enviable perfection. When you're constantly confronted with semi-histrionic proclamations about the magnificence of what other people are doing, your own life can feel less-than in comparison. (Listen to "Schadenfacebook" on The Hidden Brain Podcast.) But when you're measuring yourself by someone else's yardstick, it takes a toll. For starters, it creates anxiety and insecurity. It can also lead you to begin crafting your life to garner the approval and admiration of others. When that happens, you become disconnected from your vision, your truth, and your personal power. When the positive affirmation of other people starts to feel really important, it can lead to a downward spiral in your feelings of intrinsic self worth. What Happens When You Lose Yourself Becoming overly focused on how you compare to others makes you vulnerable to all sorts of problems. For example, you might find it increasingly hard to make decisions without second guessing yourself. It can feel hard to persist in the face of adversity when you're not certain about who you are, and what you want. When you need people to treat you a certain way so that you can feel okay about yourself, your relationships can suffer. You may feel increasingly out of touch with who you are, and what makes you authentically happy. Worst yet, being other-focused may lead you to (ironically) become less able to create the kind of successful life you want... leading to even more anxiety and dissatisfaction with your current reality, and more dependent on the opinions of others to feel okay about yourself. (Check out "Why Gen Y Millenials Are So Unhappy" on the Wait But Why blog.) Here's a poignant note on exactly this subject that I recently received from a listener of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast: "Dear Dr. Lisa, Recently I am trying to consciously make time to work on building cognitive skills and self awareness with the tips and lessons you share in your classes, blogs and podcasts, and also from feedback I get from [the coach I'm working with @ Growing Self.] [Through my personal growth work] I found out that one of my unhealthy thinking habits is "comparing myself with others". I was comparing myself with my boyfriend, my friends, and this was so on "auto-pilot" most of the time, I wasn't even so aware about it. Since I could always easily find what I was lacking when I did comparisons, it brought me many problems. I was always lacking confidence, I was always seeing proof of my shortcomings and reasons about why I shouldn't/counldn't do something, and I always struggled with anxiety and uneasiness. It was most painful when I felt inferior than others in things I value most. (Being compassionate, intelligent etc.) Also, I realized that deep in my mind I used comparisons to feel good about myself, like comparing my achievements to others' and assuring myself that I'm doing great, which is maybe not so bad and what people naturally do, but it could make me feel guilty or empty at times. I was in this unhealthy, unhelpful place for a very long time. I'm still working on this, but I felt very liberated after I learned that these unhelpful thinking patterns can be shifted with effort to more productive ones, and that people have different natural talents and strengths and it's okay to accept myself as who I am. It was almost a surprise to know that there is actually a way to be happier. I would be interested if you could do a podcast or write an article about comparisons someday, if you have anything to share about this topic." Sincerely, - H How to Stop Comparing Yourself To Others, and Start Believing in Yourself Oh yes, dear H, I do. I have quite a lot to share on this topic, actually. In my day-to-day role as a therapist and life coach here at Growing Self, I talk to many, many people who express the same anxiety and heartache that you expressed in your letter. You would not believe how many gorgeous, healthy, blazingly intelligent, high achieving and objectively successful people feel the same way about themselves and their lives. No matter what they do, they harbor gnawing anxiety that it's not enough. Their accomplishments are quickly disregarded in favor of the next amazing thing they should be doing. Their feelings about themselves rise and fall based on what others think of them. And when they do experience inevitable disappointments and setbacks, they are vulnerable to depression. Not fun. So on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm going to be tackling this subject. We're going to be talking all about the insidious emotional toll comparing yourself to others can take, and how to combat it by learning how to believe in yourself instead. We'll be talking about how to affirm yourself, trust in yourself, strengthen yourself, develop your self awareness, plug holes in your vulnerabilities, and be empowered to create a life that is genuinely meaningful and satisfying to you. Today's journey will begin by a little rock history lesson, featuring a band called Death. xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com

3 Juli 20171h 4min

Feeling stuck? Here's How to Break Free... Most people who want more out of life seek out counseling or coaching because they are not willing to settle. They want to make a positive change in their lives, their careers, in their relationships, or in themselves, but have run out of ideas. They have tried everything that they, personally, know how to do to improve the situation... and it hasn't worked. They feel stuck. If you've been feeling this way lately, I want you to know that 1) you're not alone, and that 2) I'm going to help you with this. Like right now. Here's the big secret to getting unstuck: Self awareness. What nobody realizes, before entering personal growth work, is that "the problem" they've been trying to fix is not actually what needs their attention. Focusing on the circumstance, or the situation, is not going to move the needle for you. The answer is not outside. It's inside. Only when you identify the unconscious, inner obstacles that have been getting in your way will you start to move meaningfully forward. Until that happens, you'll spin. (And seethe. And beat yourself up. And get increasingly frustrated.) As frustrating and uncomfortable as this stuck place is, can be it's really an amazing opportunity in disguise. Why? Because it's often feeling ABSOLUTELY FED UP WITH STUCK-NESS that launches people into the life-changing journey of growth and soul-expansion that would not have been possible otherwise. Often, this journey carries people through places inside themselves that they'd never even imagined existed. As people move towards empowerment, towards designing their lives, and towards "creating change" they often discover that the path is one of growth. Of personal evolution. Of compassion. Of self actualization. Sometimes, even one of healing. This is a beautiful experience and one I believe passionately that everyone deserves. So on this episode of The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I'm actually going to give you a "Master Class" of the main ideas that all our counseling and coaching clients arrive upon, eventually: The path to creating change outside yourself starts from within. Only by uncovering the inner, hidden obstacles that have been holding you back will you be able to move forward and create meaningful and lasting change in your life, your career, your relationships... and in yourself. Self awareness is the first step of personal transformation. Only when you understand yourself, and the unconscious obstacles you've been wrestling with, can you make the changes that will actually help you break free. How to Cultivate Self Awareness: Step 1: Listen to the podcast to learn about the "four domains of stuck-ness" that people often get trapped by. See which resonates with you! Step 2: Click here to take the "What's Holding You Back" quiz to find out which of these domains is the most powerful in your life. Step 3: Then use your newfound self-awareness to take positive, and most importantly effective, action. Step 4: Share your experiences in the comments on http://www.growingself.com/break-free/ We all learn and grow from our connections with each other, after all... (I'll even go first). xo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby http://www.growingself.com

5 Juni 201738min

Do you have issues with your parents? If so, you're normal. As a therapist, family therapist, and life coach I know that many, if not most, people in their twenties, thirties, and forties are still working through different aspects of their relationships with their parents. This doesn't mean rehashing the past, but rather letting go of old baggage so that you can move forward into the life you design. Though this work can be challenging, it can also be absolutely necessary for you to re-define your relationships with your family of origin as you grow into your happiest, healthiest, "best self." Understanding how you relate/d to your family can also be profoundly important to understanding how you relate to your spouse and children. Sometimes, this work involves healing, and forgiving your parents for things that happened in the past. You may need to learn how to establish healthy adult relationships with your parents, as you create your own family. Or, you might need to set new boundaries with your parents, and release the responsibility and guilt your're carrying. It's a lot, and for many this type of work can feel very "big" and overwhelming. So on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, I'm going to be talking you through some really common "parent problems" that adults face, and give you some tips for how to resolve them successfully. This episode might be helpful to you if you have: Critical parents, judgmental parents or (shiver) narcissistic parents. Intrusive parents, controlling parents, or generous parents who give gifts with strings attached. Parents who are a mess, and emotionally or financially dependent on you. Unfinished emotional business with parents who have disappointed you, or hurt you. Yes, these are deep topics, but ones I know that so many of you can relate to. I hope that the advice I share here can help you to not just create healthier and happier relationships with your parents, but can launch you on your own empowering journey of healing and growth. May peace be with you, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com

16 Maj 201749min

Because You Don't Just Want to Get Married. You Want an Amazing Marriage. As I've written about (passionately!) in previous posts, there are specific things that smart couples do -- right from the start of their relationship -- to set themselves up for a happy, healthy, successful marriages. Step one? Relationship education. Regrettably, no one explicitly teaches you how to have good relationships. We all muddle through, learning from our mistakes, and breaking some things in the process. But your marriage is much to important to wander blindly through. The quality of your marriage is the center of the life you'll build. Don't take chances. Do it right. Believe it or not, there is actually an instruction manual! What we know from research is that couples who engage in high-quality marriage education programs either before they get married or in the first few years of marriage have much better outcomes than couples who don't: Lower divorce rates, higher marital satisfaction, and a stronger partnership. You can achieve this too, by investing in your relationship, and educating yourself. Why does this help? Because proactive couples on a positive trajectory who learn ahead of time how to handle inevitable issues, how to communicate, and how to keep their love alive prevent relationship problems from happening in the first place. Our Wedding Present to You If you are getting married this year (or even if you jumped the broom a few years ago) I am here today, to support YOU in creating an amazing, strong, enduring marriage by providing you with loads of free information. I want you to have everything you need to be happy and successful in your relationship for years to come! Specifically, today, I have two "marriage education" presents for you. Free Premarital Counseling Advice The first: I have enlisted the support of one of our resident premarital counseling experts, Meagan Terry, M.A., LMFT. Meagan is a licensed marriage and family therapist, an emotional intelligence and communication coach, trained by the federal reserve to do financial counseling with couples, AND she teaches our Lifetime of Love Premarital and Relationship Class. On this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast Meagan will be SPILLING THE BEANS about the kinds of skills and strategies couples need to learn to create a lifetime of love together. Listen to our interview and learn the kinds of things you and your sweetie can start doing now to ensure that your relationship stays strong. You'll also get some insight in to the skills and strategies she teaches her premarital couples to help them get on the same page around finances, sexuality, priorities, and more. Ask a Wedding Expert The second wedding present I have for you: We are co-hosting a super-fun happy hour event at our Denver office on Wednesday May the 10th called "Ask The Wedding Experts." If you are planning a wedding, this is your big chance to mix and mingle in a casual setting with wedding professionals (like master wedding planner Laura Peterson of L Elizabeth Events) who are ready to share their wisdom around things like: How to pull off amazing wedding without breaking the bank, and stretch your wedding-budget dollars. "DIY dazzler or disaster?" - The projects that are worth (or not) the effort. Wedding day Do's & Don'ts to keep your special day running smoothly. Styling tips to help your day (and your photos) to reflect what is most authentic an beautiful about your love. And of course, Growing Self premarital counselors will be on hand to help with tricky family situations, communication tips, boundary setting, and more. This event is FREE. If you'd like to attend in person, register now so we know to save some champagne for you. And, because so many of our online premarital counseling clients are outside of Denver, you can still get the scoop. Email me with your questions, OR leave your questions as comments in this post. I will ask our panel of wedding experts your questions on your behalf, and I will post their answers for you in an upcoming blog post. Get your questions to me by 5/9, and then stay tuned for the answers! xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

2 Maj 201758min

Breakup Advice For The Most Common Breakup Questions The only thing worse than going through a breakup or a divorce, in my opinion, is the mental and emotional fallout that comes after. Most people dealing with a split are consumed by unanswerable questions, replaying events in their minds, and trying to make sense of what happened. They also often worry about how they'll ever get over it... and when they'll stop feeling so terrible. Since I do so much work around breakup recovery I often have people get in touch with me with questions, and for help in dealing with a bad breakup. But I recently had a listener of my Love, Happiness and Success Podcast get in touch with me in the most unique way. She had read my book, "Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Love" but had some additional questions about how to get over some of the most common (and frankly, hardest) aspects of breakup recovery. But instead of just emailing she recorded her questions into the sweetest video, and shared it with me. As I watched her ask her heartfelt questions it I thought of all the other people who were probably going through the exact same things. I got back in touch with her to see if it was okay to use her recording in an upcoming episode of the podcast so that my listeners (and YOU) could also benefit from hearing the answers. She was kind enough to let me share them, and today's podcast is the result. So if you're also going through a breakup and also wondering... How do I let go of the guilt and regrets I have about this relationship? How do I repair my self esteem after being rejected? How do I deal with seeing my Ex's friends out? How do I cope with being "blindsided" by a break up? Will I ever feel hopeful and excited about finding a new love? ... you'll definitely want to tune into this episode of the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast. I hope our conversation helps you find your way towards growth and recovery too. xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.growingself.com

27 Feb 20171h 2min

What's the only thing better than free dating advice?? Evidence-Based Free Dating Advice Valentine's Day is once again upon us. If you're single and ready to meet your soul mate, I have a special present for you on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast: Some fantastic evidence-based dating advice from relationship researcher, and Match.com scientific advisor Dr. Justin Garcia. Dr. Garcia, along with evolutionary biologist Dr. Helen Fisher, have just released their latest batch of research from their ongoing "Singles in America" research study. They have some fascinating new data about what singles are really looking for, what's most important to them, and what some of their biggest turn-off's are. His dating advice can help you seriously "up your game" when it comes to dating. No doubt modern dating can be challenging, but as with all things knowledge is power. If you educate yourself about the realities of the dating game, learn how to play up your most attractive qualities, and are mindful of the common dating mistakes that can turn people off you've already got a huge advantage. Random dating research tidbits that can make or break a first date: Did you know that 66% of all singles surveyed reported that having their date send a text while they were together was a major turn off? That number gets bumped up to 75% if you answer a call while you're out! And you won't even believe what your dates really think about your cracked phone screen... Listen to my interview with Dr. Garcia to learn: What do men really think about women who are go-getters? What are modern singles really looking for in a partner? What people really think about first-date s-e-x? And so much more... You'll get great love advice and learn the easy things you can do (or even more importantly -- avoid doing!) to increase the odds that next Valentine's Day you'll be snuggling with your sweetie. If you'd like even more specific advice to help you master the art of modern dating, get instant access to our new "Find The One" online dating coaching program.  xoxo, LMB www.growingself.com

13 Feb 20171h 5min