The Abuser's Tool Box: Domestic Abuse in the Orthodox Community, with Keshet Starr (240)

Domestic abuse is one of those topics that, sometimes, we simply wish would go away. It's certainly among the very worst experiences that a person can have, yet it brings forward feelings of shame and failure, such that people are often reluctant to acknowledge that they are victims. Sometimes, they can't even name it - either because they don't recognize it for what it is, or because they are embarrassed and don't want to admit it.

Yet we can't ignore it, and all of us need to better recognize the warning signs and the red flags - both for those inside and outside of a relationship - and, should such warning signs exist, what we can potentially do about it.

Because this is such an important (albeit disturbing) topic, I was honored to speak to Keshet Starr, the CEO of Shalom Task Force, to learn more. We talked about the distinction between domestic abuse and domestic violence, the prevalence of male to female abuse versus female to male abuse, examples of non-violent abusive behavior ("the abuser's tool box"), how can we determine when normal behavior crosses the line into emotional abuse or controlling behavior, the range and spectrum of inappropriate controlling behavior, whether the typical abuser is conscious of being an abuser, the way that an abuser often thinks of himself as "owning" his spouse, answering claims that domestic violence does not occur in Orthodox homes, how abuse takes place in ways that we cannot visibly see, the use of Jewish texts and religious ideas to justify abuse and break boundaries, warning signs and red flags, whether abuse should lead to divorce or if can it potentially be worked on (and why professionals won't offer an opinion on that question), education against abuse, the meaning of spiritual abuse, barriers to getting help, and more.

To reach the Shalom Task Force's confidential hotline, go to https://shalomtaskforce.org/contact.

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