Finding your self-worth after a toxic relationship Episode #113

13 years ago I had no self-confidence. No self-worth. And my self-esteem was in the toilet. You may be asking aren't those all the same thing?

Self-confidence is to feel competence and assurance in certain areas. Whether through your work or personally.

Self-worth is how we see our value and dignity as a human. This is the inner core of our being.

Self-esteem is how we believe, feel, and think about ourselves.

I felt like a failure! Maybe I didn't try hard enough in my marriage. Why didn't I try to stop the overspending so there wasn't so much debt or why didn't I make him pay the bills and mortgage so we didn't have to file bankruptcy?

This person that was supposed to love me and want me crushed my spirit to the point where living didn't seem worth it.

Perhaps you had a painful childhood, are in a toxic work environment, or an emotional upset that has sent you into a state of rock bottom.

What can you do?

- The first thing is to admit that you need help. Whether this is professional help or sharing with a trusting loved one about your situation.

- Begin to recognize how you talk to yourself. What does that inner voice in your head sound like? Is it your voice or someone else? Raising your awareness about this is really BIG! You can use journaling, being mindful of when you do this or therapy. Learning when you listening to those negative thoughts or putdowns in your mind will help you to begin to turn this around. Ask yourself would you let your friend or child speak to themselves this way? Consider giving yourself the same love and grace you would give to someone else if you heard them putting themselves down.

- Imagine yourself in a situation where you would act and feel confident. Is this standing up for yourself with an ex? Being heard in the workplace? Finding your voice to share your story? Tap into how you would feel if you felt you were able to do any of these. Reflect on people that you know who you see as confident or that treat your well. This is where you want to be and if you notice someone that is confident ask them about their journey. Maybe they had similar challenges and you have watched them from afar as they have come into their own.

- Think about the good stuff that makes you “You!” What are the values and characteristics you like about yourself? Make a list! I would be glad that I was given the gift of listening so I can be that person to hold space when needed without judgment. If you struggle with finding juicy stuff as a supportive friend or family member to help you! Sometimes during dark moments, we have a hard time seeing the blue sky through the clouds and our friends can give us ideas you may not have even considered!

- Scrub what you are putting in your eyes and ears! What I mean by this is what are you watching or listening to daily? Is it uplifting or positive? This may mean that you need to stop watching the news, politics, dealing with conflicts at work or with family. Turn off the tube, put down the phone, and start using boundaries in your life.

-Most importantly give yourself permission to heal and grow! Know healing can be messy and hard. There may be times when you feel you need to step away and all of this is okay. Remember what works for someone else may not work for you and that's fine too!