Discard Your Anxiety Today | Chris Guillebeau on The Power of Choosing Less

Perhaps you remember the 90s hit by the band The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, “The Impression That I Get.” You know, the ‘neeeeevvvvvvveeeerrrrrr had to knock on wood’ song? If you haven’t listened to it in a while, you should, because it holds up surprisingly well.Anyway, there are a couple of lines at the beginning of the third verse that go like this:I'm not a coward, I've just never been testedI'd like to think that if I was I would passIt’s as if Dicky Barrett, the Bosstones’ lead singer and songwriter, was writing straight from the lessons of the Stoics, because it aligns perfectly with one of Seneca’s most beautiful observations. "I judge you unfortunate because you have never lived through misfortune,” he writes of everyone who has lived a soft or sheltered life. “You have passed through life without an opponent—no one can ever know what you are capable of, not even you."Not even you.That’s the question the song is about. That’s the angst it is trying to express. Yes, it’s great to live in a time of peace. Yes, it’s good to be well-off or successful in your career. Yes, it’s wonderful if everything always goes your way. But with this good fortune also comes a nagging doubt, an insecurity and a dissatisfaction. Because deep down, you know it can’t continue like this forever. You know that everything good comes to an end. And what then? How will you handle it? Can you handle it?The lessons from this are two-fold. One, if you are going through something tough, well...keep going. And appreciate what you are learning, both about the world and about yourself. It’s a test, keep doing your best and you’ll pass. Two, if you haven’t experienced that kind of deep adversity, know that you are depriving yourself of something essential and meaningful. So start putting yourself out there. Take more risks. Get your hands dirty. Find something that you can struggle with.Rise to the challenge. Put the doubts to rest. You’ll be better for it.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

23 Jan 20192min

Ok, so it’s worth saying bluntly to any of the nice people out there who might believe in it: The Law of Attraction is complete horseshit. If you need proof, here’s a funny example: In 2015, the author of The Secret had to reduce the price of her home in Santa Barbara some $4.7M—more than 20%—after it had languished on the market without selling. Of course, if she had been following the advice in her book she would have just thought good thoughts about it selling for list price (or better, written herself a check for the amount in advance) and the universe would have taken care of the rest.We all know that’s not how things work. There’s no science that says your thoughts can will reality into behaving how you like or that thinking negative thoughts will invite negative outcomes—in fact, literally all of science contradicts this. Anyone that tells people differently is conning them. BUT…That is not to say that our thoughts aren’t extremely powerful and that they don’t shape our lives. As Marcus Aurelius wrote:“Your mind will take the shape of what you frequently hold in thought, for the human spirit is colored by such impressions.”  Unlike a con woman like Rhonda Byrnes, Marcus and the Stoics would never say that your thoughts attract the reality you want (or don’t want), but they would say that our thoughts determine the character of the reality we live in. If you see the awfulness in everything, your life will feel awful—even if you are surrounded by wealth and success. If you have a growth mindset, you won’t be easily discouraged when you fail. If you find something to be grateful for in every situation, you will feel blessed and happy where others feel aggrieved or deprived. That’s the idea. No, it won’t magically give you more. It won’t magically sell your house or make you famous. But it will help you appreciate your life and help you endure adversity that others can’t handle. The best part is that it’s not a secret either. It’s just common sense. So let’s practice it. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

22 Jan 20193min

Let us stipulate first that Serena Williams is an extremely talented tennis player and an honest and ethical person. Let us also stipulate that she has been unfairly treated by chair and line umpires, not just when she was an up-and-comer, but also, and inexplicably, now that she is one of the greatest players in the game. And yet, even stipulating all this—as well as recognition of the fact that the passion which drives athletes is a potent force that amateurs and spectators can never fully appreciate—her controversial behavior at the U.S. Open earlier provides an interesting lesson to chew on. There’s no need to repeat what’s been extensively reported elsewhere, so we can just summarize: Serena Williams was having a tough match in the U.S. Open finals with Naomi Osaka. She disputed a coaching call with the chair umpire (believing that she was not being illegally coached from the stands and that a warning should have been issued first if she had been). Upset over this call, which implied she was a cheater, Serena ended up smashing her racket in frustration over another call a few games later. Not tolerating the jabs at her character, she continued to jaw at the referee, accusing him of stealing a point from her and demanding an apology. She lost her composure...and also ended up losing the match. Again, while none of this is particularly Stoic, it is completely understandable. What was less understandable, from a Stoic perspective, was the argument made by supporters and Serena herself explaining the events that had just transpired on the court. Their point was that male tennis players regularly get away with similar behavior (some data on this here) so therefore an injustice had been committed in Serena not being able to release her frustrations as well. Some even considered her a hero in this drama for asserting herself with the chair umpire, and then with the WTA during the press conference, like the bad boys of tennis used to. But to ask whether Serena’s gender affected her treatment is, from a Stoic perspective, to ask the wrong question. As Martina Navratilova wrote in a New York Times op-ed, It’s difficult to know, and debatable, whether Ms. Williams could have gotten away with calling the umpire a thief if she were a male player. But to focus on that, I think, is missing the point. If, in fact, the guys are treated with a different measuring stick for the same transgressions, this needs to be thoroughly examined and must be fixed. But we cannot measure ourselves by what we think we should also be able to get away with. In fact, this is the sort of behavior that no one should be engaging in on the court. There have been many times when I was playing that I wanted to break my racket into a thousand pieces. Then I thought about the kids watching. And I grudgingly held on to that racket.Important cultural and political issues of fairness obviously matter at the larger level, particularly for activists and lawmakers. However, at the individual level, the question we always must ask of ourselves is never “is there a double standard?” but “what standard will I hold myself to?” For the same reason, as we make choices, the idea of whether something is illegal is also a poor metric. A Stoic should care only whether something is right. It might be possible, for instance, to get away with paying little to no taxes, but is it honest and fair to shirk contributing your share? It’s fairly well established that men historically have been able to get away with all sorts of bad behavior (though again the stats in tennis don’t seem to show that), but does that meaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

21 Jan 20195min

Zigong once asked Confucius: “Is there one word which may serve as a rule of practice for all one’s life?” His reply: “Is not RECIPROCITY such a word?”Thus we have, by yet another source, another formulation of the Golden Rule. Matthew 7:12, for instance, has its version: “All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them; for this is the Law and the Prophets.” And Luke 6:31: “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.”The Stoics would obviously agree with this concept, though they would take it a little bit further. In fact, what we see in Marcus Aurelius over and over again is the idea that we must treat other people better than they treat us. Because they didn’t mean to do wrong, because they aren’t as informed as we are, because they have their own problems. And that we treat people well not because we ourselves would like to be treated well, but because to do anything less is a betrayal of our own values and standards. The Golden Rule is simple and all-encompassing. It should govern how we talk to people, how we run our businesses, how we raise our children, how we react in difficult situations. It’s also an impossible standard. We’re never going to fully get there. We’re human. Empathy is sometimes beyond us in the moment. Which is why we need to constantly review and reflect on our own behavior (journaling is great for this), so that we can learn from it and improve on it.If we can follow the Golden Rule and reflect honestly on our transgressions of it, we will get a little bit better at following it as we grow. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

18 Jan 20192min

Most of us tell ourselves that we’re putting up with ill-treatment or keeping our mouths shut about our beliefs because we’re working on something big. We tell ourselves that we’re slogging away in this industry or that industry not because we’re big supporters of it, but because we need to, to get where we are going. We’re accumulating money or resources or playing politics to build up our base so that one day, some day, we can finally stand up and be who we really are.Marcus Aurelius reminds himself in Meditations that he could be good today...even though his first impulse is to put it off until tomorrow. That’s what we all do. In the future, we say, then we’ll be blunt and honest and principled. The problem is that this never seems to actually happen. DHH, who we interviewed for Daily Stoic a while back, joked about all the people in Silicon Valley who justify their 100 hour work weeks for dubious startups in order to get “Fuck You Money.” But for all the wealth in San Francisco...there seems to be very few people ever getting around to saying those words, or living that life.Shakespeare has a better line in Julius Caesar. His relations with the Senate are falling apart and it would be easier to lie to smooth things over, but he catches himself before he does: Have I in conquest stretched mine arm so farTo be afraid to tell graybeards the truth?This is an important reminder for each of us. We’ve worked this hard. We’ve accomplished this much. We’ve carved out these skills and built these relationships. For what? To keep putting off the day where we stand up for ourselves? To keep going along to get along forever?No. Now is the time. Now is the time to be good. To live as if we had the “Fuck You Money” or conquered enough of the world to tell the truth. Because there is no magic turning point. There is only the moment that we decide to be the person who lives those words.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

17 Jan 20192min

One suspects Marcus Aurelius was referring to a particularly frustrating person, some opponent who just would not, or could not, get the message, when he wrote:“You can hold your breath until you’re blue in the face and they’ll just go on doing it.” There’s an American expression along those same lines: “Never wrestle with a pig. You just get dirty and the pig enjoys it.”Both these pieces of advice are worth remembering for the inevitable moments that we find ourselves in conflict or at cross purposes with one of those nutty, obnoxious, stubborn jerks that make up a certain percentage of the population. Although it’s tempting to fight and argue with them, it rarely ends well, because you can’t beat someone with nothing to lose, and it’s impossible to reason someone out of a position they didn’t reason themselves into in the first place. It takes great skill to identify irrationality and emotional reactions in other people. It takes a lot of confidence to avoid battling with someone acting out of ego. It requires patience to endure their onslaughts and put up with them in your midst. But if you can, you’ll preserve your happiness and live a much less stressful life. It’s not your job to change other people—and even it were, crazy doesn’t want to be changed. Learn how to walk away. Learn how to de-escalate. Learn how to let other people be themselves and you just do you. It’s a much easier life, you can count on that. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

16 Jan 20192min

There’s no question that depressing things happen in this world. They always have and always will. People lie, cheat, steal. Envy, avarice, selfishness—it’s all out there. And it’s hard to miss. It’s easy to despair about this. What do we do? Must it be this way? What’s the point of being good when everyone else is so bad?This is the wrong way to think about it. It’s not up to us to change this unchangeable part of the human species, but instead to think about how to adapt to it, how to integrate it into our understanding of the world and not let it make us miserable. That’s a big part of why the Stoics talk about ignoring what other people do—their lying, cheating and stealing—and focusing on what we do. On making sure that we hold ourselves to a higher standard and put our energy towards evaluating ourselves according to those standards rather than projecting it onto others. Marcus’s best advice on this is worth remembering today: instead of talking about other people’s selfishness and stupidity, our job is “to run straight for the finish line, unswerving.”To not be distracted by the darkness of others, to head towards the light. To be good without hesitation, even when other people are not. That’s our job. Today and for our whole lives. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

15 Jan 20192min

Martin Luther King Jr. was fond of using the American Civil War as a metaphor, not just to explain the divisive political landscape, but the divide within each person. Just as there was a North and South in America (Anti-slavery and Pro-Slavery), there was a divide between good and bad within each of us. There was the part pulled towards higher principles and the part that was willing to compromise with baser instincts.Certainly, in his own life, King was pulled this way. He was a man of enormous principle and selflessness, but he also had a number of affairs. This was a violation not only of his marriage, but the Christian teachings he preached at the pulpit. He knew better...but found himself doing it anyway. This tension must have been incredibly painful and shameful for him. So when King said that “there is something of a civil war going on within all our lives,” he wasn’t just speaking theoretically. He knew it firsthand. The point of looking at examples like this isn’t to dismiss someone as a hypocrite—we’ve had quite enough of that zero-sum thinking in recent years and, quite frankly, there’s nothing Stoic about it. Nor are we trying to rationalize or excuse bad behavior. The point is to remember, just like with the US Civil War, that there is no such thing as a perfect person or a perfect cause. For all time, even the best of us have struggled with temptations and personal failings. This is the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, after all. Man has always been pulled apart by competing desires. Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, Cato—all the Stoics struggled with it too. They knew the right thing to do—they simply couldn’t always get there. We all fall terribly short of our own standards at times—even low standards. All we can do is get back up when that happens and try better next time. We can’t undo the past, we can’t go back in time, but we can try harder to be better right now—today—and in the future. Just as we are pulled lower, towards our baser selves, we are also capable of pulling ourselves higher, towards our better selves. The North won the US Civil War. And we can win the one raging inside us too. We just have to realize which side we want to fight for. That self-evaluation starts today. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

14 Jan 20193min