Coping with Loss Together: Strategies for Grieving as a Couple
Ever notice how loss can drop a marriage into two wildly different time-zones? One spouse wants to talk it out while the other goes radio-silent. In this week’s episode of Master Your Marriage, we sit down with grief coach and children’s-book author Jennifer Morris to unpack how couples can stay yoked when death, empty nests, or any major life change rattles the compass. From Sharla’s raw reflections on losing her dad last weekend to Jennifer's story of losing her mother to suicide, we explore the complexities of grief within marriage. You can connect with Jennifer through her website at https://loveconnectsus.com/ or via instagram at https://www.instagram.com/jennifer_s_morris/Key TakeawaysCo-Regulation > Lone-Wolfing: Borrow each other’s nervous systems—sometimes your partner’s steady breath is the best grief coach in the room.Internal vs. External Processors: One of you journals for days; the other needs to verbal-vomit now. Neither is “doing it wrong.”Safe-Person Contract: Identify (and literally ask) a friend to be your non-judgmental vent line when your spouse’s bucket is already full.Therapy Is a Life Coach for Your Brain: A “checkup from the neck up” isn’t weakness; it’s the Super Bowl with a playbook.Stay Curious, Not Furious: Swap “You’re not sad enough!” for “How are you really feeling today—1 to 10?”Micro-Self-Care Moves Mountains: Garden for 30 minutes, swing a golf club, hug the bunny—anything that restores a flicker of joy.Create to Heal: Writing a poem, planting a memorial tree, or starting a tiny foundation signals you’re moving from grief to growth.Dive Deeper“I Will Be With You Always” & “I Will Remember You Always” by Jennifer Morris – kid-friendly stories that comfort adults, too.Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg – the art of presence over platitudes.Connect with UsEmail: masteryourmarriage@gmail.com – Reach out for coaching, share wins, or pitch episode ideas.Instagram: @masteryourmarriage – Daily tips, behind-the-scenes reels, and a healthy dose of Snow-family humor.Reviews Matter! If this episode sparked an aha moment, drop a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and send it to a friend who could use a vision upgrade.Feedback Corner: Thought of a topic we haven’t covered? Hit reply—your ideas shape future shows.Parting WordsGrief will visit every long-haul marriage; let it bind, not blind you. This week pick one toward-vision action—schedule a sunset walk, text your safe person, or try Jennifer’s 1-to-10 check-in. Remember: it's the small things done often! Until next Wednesday, keep turning toward each other.
18 Juni 53min
Why Your Spouse May Not Be Motivated In Your Relationship
Do you ever notice how some couples only sprint toward “saving the marriage” when the divorce papers are already drafted—while others seem to glide forward, energized by a shared dream? In this week’s episode of Master Your Marriage, we tackle the sneaky trap of away-from motivation (fixing things only when the fire alarm blares) versus the power of a toward vision that pulls you closer every day. From the cautionary tale of “Mark and Lisa” to a five-minute future-pacing meditation you can try today, you’ll discover why dodging pain keeps you on a hamster wheel—while chasing a vivid, magnetic dream propels your relationship into lasting joy.Key TakeawaysVision Beats Crisis Mode: Couples thrive when they’re propelled by a clear picture of what they want—not just a terror of what might go wrong.Toward vs. Away Motivation: Toward taps the prefrontal cortex (planning, reward); away fires up the amygdala (threat detector). Guess which one fuels sustainable connection?Self-Sabotage Loop: Relying on fear creates boom-and-bust cycles—think lottery winners who go broke or spouses who coast till the next blow-up.Science-Backed Shift: Deci & Ryan’s Self-Determination Theory shows goals aligned with values drive deeper satisfaction than “avoid-pain” goals ever will.One Tiny Action Wins: A single intentional habit—daily check-ins, a kind note, listening without fixing—can yank you off the crisis rails and onto the vision highway.Anchor the Future: Their guided five-minute meditation lets you feel next year’s dream marriage now, then “anchor” it with a thumb-and-finger press you can trigger anytime motivation wanes.Dive Deeper“Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation” by Edward Deci & Richard Ryan – The classic paper on toward motivation.“Drive” by Daniel H. Pink – A page-turning breakdown of autonomy, mastery, purpose, and why carrot-and-stick fails at home and work.Roy Baumeister’s Research on Loss Aversion – Why bad feels stronger than good (and how to stop letting it run your marriage).Connect with UsEmail: masteryourmarriage@gmail.com – Reach out for coaching, share wins, or pitch episode ideas.Instagram: @masteryourmarriage – Daily tips, behind-the-scenes reels, and a healthy dose of Snow-family humor.Reviews Matter! If this episode sparked an aha moment, drop a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and send it to a friend who could use a vision upgrade.Feedback Corner: Thought of a topic we haven’t covered? Hit reply—your...
5 Juni 26min
How to Cherish Your Spouse: The Key to a Joyful Marriage
Do you ever slip into “I deserve better” mode and forget just how lucky you are to wake up next to your favorite human? In this episode of Master Your Marriage, we unpack the power of cherishing—the next-level upgrade from mere “appreciation.” Through real-life stories (yes, including the magic fridge on their camping trip) and the Gottmans’ 20-question fondness quiz, we reveal how entitlement quietly drains joy while gratitude super-charges connection. You’ll learn why naming seven things you adore about each other feels scarier than rattling off seven complaints—and how flipping that script can transform your relationship, stress levels, and overall happiness.Key TakeawaysCherishing > Appreciation: Cherishing is an intentional, daily choice to see your partner’s irreplaceable worth, far beyond liking their steak-grilling skills.Gratitude Kills Entitlement: Entitlement says “you owe me”; gratitude says “you choose me,” sparking instant warmth and goodwill.Take the Gottman Fondness & Admiration Quiz: A quick 20-item self-check exposes whether you’re coasting or truly nurturing love.Beware the Hedonic Treadmill: Humans acclimate fast; without active cherishing, today’s blessings become tomorrow’s baseline.One-Sided is Still Powerful: You don’t need your spouse’s permission to start cherishing—your unilateral gratitude can shift the whole vibe.Dive DeeperGottman Institute Fondness & Admiration Test – Free download at gottman.com; track your score and watch it climb.“Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier” by Robert Emmons – Science-backed tactics to rewire your brain for appreciation.Article: “Why Entitlement Sabotages Marriage” (Psychology Today) – A deep dive into the hidden costs of the “I deserve” mindset.TEDx Talk: “The Price of Happiness—Escaping the Hedonic Treadmill” by Niro Sivanathan – Understand why more stuff (or perfect spouses) never feels like enough.Worksheet: Daily 3-for-3 Gratitude Routine – Download from greatergood.berkeley.edu to kick-start your cherishing habit.Connect with UsEmail: masteryourmarriage@gmail.com – Ask about our coaching options or share your story.Instagram: Follow @masteryourmarriage for daily tips and inspiration.Reviews: Loved this episode? Leave us a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts and/or Spotify, and share it with someone who’d benefit.Feedback: Have topic ideas or ways we can improve? Email us at masteryourmarriage@gmail.com.Parting WordsYour spouse doesn’t owe you a thing—and that’s the magic. Choose to notice the fresh towels, the stocked fridge, or the perfectly packed toolbox. Say it out loud, expect nothing back, and watch the temperature of your marriage rise. Here’s to cherishing, one heartfelt “thank you” at a time. Until next week, keep doing the small things—done often—that build a masterpiece marriage.
30 Maj 29min
Feeling Alone in Your Marriage? The Cry for Connection
Do you ever feel alone, even in your marriage? In this powerful episode of Master Your Marriage, we explore why loneliness hits so hard and how your brain is wired for connection. Sharla and Robert dive into the science of the relational brain, challenging the “go it alone” mindset of individualism. From Ed Tronick’s “still face” experiment to James Coan’s Social Baseline Theory, we uncover how co-regulation—syncing with your partner’s nervous system—can transform your relationship. Through compelling stories, like a couple rediscovering connection amidst conflict, and the stark realities of isolation (from orphanages to solitary confinement), we reveal why connection isn’t just a want—it’s a survival need. Plus, we tackle the paradox: love can calm us, but it can also trigger us like nothing else. Tune in to learn how prioritizing your marriage can heal loneliness and build a healthier, happier life together.Key TakeawaysYour Brain Craves Connection: Science shows our nervous systems are designed to co-regulate, sharing emotions and stress with others to stay balanced and healthy.Loneliness Hurts—Literally: From infants in orphanages to adults in solitary confinement, disconnection can lead to physical and mental health crises.Co-Regulation in Action: Simple acts, like staying calm when your partner is stressed, can help them “borrow” your calm nervous system.The Paradox of Love: Marriage can be a lighthouse of safety but also a mirror, triggering old wounds—making a secure relationship essential for survival.Individualism’s Downside: Prioritizing “me” over “we” can erode connection, but relationalism rebuilds trust and intimacy in marriage.Dive DeeperExplore these resources to deepen your understanding of how we’re wired for connection:Ed Tronick’s “Still Face” Experiment: Watch this YouTube video to see how a mother’s blank face impacts her child, showing the power of emotional synchronicity. Search “Ed Tronick Still Face Experiment.”Social Baseline Theory by Lane Beckes and James Coan: Learn more about how our brains rely on close relationships to conserve energy and manage stress. Check out Coan’s TEDx talk or their research at the University of Virginia’s website (search “James Coan Social Baseline Theory”).Dr. Dan Siegel’s Work: His book The Developing Mind explains how relationships shape our brains. A great starting point for understanding interpersonal neurobiology.Rene Spitz’s Orphanage Studies: Read about Spitz’s 1950s research on how emotional neglect led to infant mortality, highlighting connection as a survival need. Available in psychology journals or summaries online (search “Rene Spitz orphanage studies”).Book Recommendation: Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. This book dives into attachment theory, offering practical insights for building secure connections in your marriage.Further Study: Visit the Greater Good Science Center (greatergood.berkeley.edu) for articles on the science of relationships and connection, including practical tips for couples.Connect with UsEmail: masteryourmarriage@gmail.com – Ask about our coaching options or share your story.Instagram: Follow @masteryourmarriage for daily tips and inspiration.Reviews: Loved this episode? Leave us a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts and/or Spotify, and share it with someone who’d benefit.Feedback: Have topic ideas or ways we can improve? Email us at masteryourmarriage@gmail.com.Parting WordsConnection is your nervous system’s cry for...
22 Maj 29min
How Trauma Hijacks Your Marriage (And How to Take It Back) Part 2
In this powerful follow-up to our discussion on big “T” trauma, we dive deeper into how all trauma—big and small—shapes the automatic behaviors that can strain your marriage. From lying to stonewalling, these “stances” stem from your adaptive child, a part of you formed in childhood. Through heartfelt stories and practical steps, we explore how to identify these patterns, heal your inner child, and choose wiser responses to reclaim your relationship. Join Robert and Sharla for an honest, hope-filled conversation about breaking free from the past.SummaryRelationships aren’t just about communication or date nights—the real work is growing beyond your automatic reactions. In this episode, we unpack how childhood trauma creates your relational “stance,” an instinctive response like fighting, fleeing, or fixing that shows up when stress hits. We share the story of Dan, whose evasiveness nearly cost him his marriage, and Jessica, whose stonewalling left her husband feeling disconnected. Drawing on insights from therapists like Terry Real and Pia Mellody, we explain how the “adaptive child” forms and how to spot it in yourself. Most importantly, we offer a compassionate, practical path to pause, reflect, and choose responses that prioritize love over survival. If you missed Part 1, go back and listen to our discussion on big “T” trauma—it sets the stage for this episode!Key TakeawaysYour Stance is Your Adaptive Child: Your knee-jerk reactions in marriage—like lying, shutting down, or people-pleasing—are coping strategies from childhood trauma, big or small. They helped you survive then but can hurt your relationship now.Trauma Isn’t Always Big: “Little t” traumas, like being told your emotions were too much or lacking emotional guidance, wire your nervous system and show up as automatic behaviors in adulthood.Spot the Signs: You’re in your adaptive child when you get rigid, harsh, or lose empathy. In your wise mind, you’re curious, flexible, and compassionate—qualities that strengthen your marriage.Heal with Compassion: Don’t indulge or shame your inner child. Instead, have a loving conversation: forgive them, apologize for their pain, and commit to protecting your partner.Choose Wisely: Pause before reacting. Wait for your “second consciousness” to choose a response that puts your relationship first, like Dan’s honest “I forgot” moment.It’s a Daily Practice: Reclaiming your marriage means identifying your stance, pausing, and choosing love moment by moment. With practice, you can shift from “me” to “we.”Dive DeeperResources Mentioned:Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship by Terry Real – The book featuring Dan and Julia’s story, offering insights on relational healing.Pia Mellody’s work on the “adaptive child” – Explore her books like Facing Codependence for a deeper understanding of how childhood shapes adult behaviors.Suggested Resources:The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk – A must-read for understanding how trauma affects the nervous system and relationships.Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson – A practical guide to building emotional connection in your marriage.Journal Prompt: Reflect on your relational stance. Ask honestly, “What do I do when I’m triggered? What is my relational stance?”Get Coaching: Consider working with coach or therapist with experience dealing with trauma, or reach out to us for personalized coaching (see Connect with Us below).Connect with UsWe’re here to support you in building a stronger, healthier marriage. If this episode resonated and you’d like help breaking free from old...
15 Maj 25min
How Trauma Hijacks Your Marriage (And How to Take It Back)
Ever wonder why you snap or shut down with the person you love most? In this powerful episode, hosts Robert and Sharla Snow kick off a multi-part series exploring how trauma—big or small—shapes our closest relationships. Through the lens of brain science and a moving client story, they unpack how unhealed wounds from the past can “hijack” your marriage, driving conflict or disconnection. Using Dr. Dan Siegel’s hand model of the brain, Terry Real’s wise adult vs. triggered self framework, and Pia Mellody’s concept of the adaptive child, they reveal why we “flip our lid” and how trauma fuels those moments. The episode centers on Ethan and Lilly, a couple whose 25-year marriage was transformed when Lilly faced her childhood trauma with courage. This is a story of healing, hope, and rediscovering the US in your relationship. Tune in to learn how to spot your own triggers and start bringing your wise adult self back to your marriage.Key Takeaways Trauma’s Lasting Impact: Big “T” trauma (like abuse) or small “t” trauma (subtler wounds) can make it harder to stay emotionally regulated, causing you to “flip your lid” and react from a triggered, younger self rather than your wise adult self. Flipping Your Lid: When stress or conflict overwhelms your upstairs brain (prefrontal cortex), your downstairs brain (limbic system) takes over, shifting you from an *us* consciousness to a *me* vs. *you* mindset, disrupting connection with your partner. The Adaptive Child: As Pia Mellody explains, the adaptive child is a coping mechanism formed in childhood to protect you from pain. While lifesaving then, it can become maladaptive in adult relationships, as seen in Lilly’s anger-driven reactions to Ethan. Healing Is Possible: By naming and addressing trauma (e.g., through techniques like Time Line Therapy and inner child work), you can shift from reactive patterns to relational, wise adult responses, as Ethan and Lilly did through vulnerability and mutual understanding. Ask the Key Question: Inspired by Terry Real, ask yourself, “Which version of me is showing up?” Recognizing when your triggered self is in charge is the first step to choosing connection over conflict. Coming Up: Next week, we’ll explore small “t” trauma—quieter wounds that still shape how you love and fight—and share tips to spot your adaptive child and bring your wise self online.Dive Deeper: Resources Mentioned Want to explore the concepts and tools from this episode? Here are the experts and resources we referenced to help you deepen your understanding of trauma and relationships: 1. Dr. Dan Siegel – The Hand Model of the Brain The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (3rd Edition, 2020) Dr. Siegel’s accessible explanation of the brain, including the “flipping your lid” concept, helps you understand emotional regulation in relationships. Website: https://www.drdansiegel.com/Free resources, videos, and courses on the hand model and interpersonal neurobiology. Relevance: Used to explain how the prefrontal cortex (upstairs brain) and limbic system (downstairs brain) interact when trauma triggers emotional reactivity.2. Pia Mellody – The Adaptive Child Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives (2003, co-authored with Andrea Wells Miller and J. Keith Miller)Mellody’s work on the adaptive child and childhood trauma’s lasting effects shows how early coping mechanisms impact adult...
8 Maj 34min
Rewiring Your Brain for a Better Marriage: The Power of Neuroplasticity
Sharla’s back after a month-long break, sharing a deeply personal story of recovering from decompression sickness caused by a scuba diving trip in the British Virgin Islands. Her rapid brain recovery, thanks to hyperbaric oxygen therapy, inspired this episode on neuroplasticity—the brain’s incredible ability to rewire itself. Joined by Robert, Sharla explores how the brain’s adaptability can transform your marriage, drawing on therapist Terry Real’s framework from his book Us. Learn how to make unconscious patterns conscious, harness emotional “recoil” moments, and act quickly to build new, healthier habits in your relationship. Packed with science, practical tips, and heartfelt insights, this episode will inspire you to tap into your brain’s resilience to become the best version of yourself for your partner.What You’ll Learn: - How Sharla’s cognitive recovery showcases the brain’s neuroplasticity. - Terry Real’s two-step process for rapid change: making the implicit explicit and using emotional shock to rewire behaviors. - The science of memory reconsolidation and why acting fast after an “aha” moment matters. - Three practical steps to rewire harmful patterns in your marriage, with real-life examples from Sharla and Robert’s journey.Try the episode’s tips: reflect on an automatic pattern in your marriage, have an honest talk with your partner, and practice a new behavior right away. Share your story or insights on Instagram @masteryourmarriage—we’ll repost our favorites! Loved this episode? Leave a 5-star review and share it with someone who’d benefit. Got topic ideas or feedback? Email us at masteryourmarriage@gmail.com.References: Want to dive deeper into neuroplasticity? Check out these resources: - Books: - Doidge, N. (2007). The Brain That Changes Itself. Penguin Books. Inspiring stories of how neuroplasticity transforms lives, perfect for understanding change in relationships. - Hanson, R. (2013). Hardwiring Happiness. Harmony Books. Practical exercises to rewire your brain for positivity and stronger connections. - Ecker, B., Ticic, R., & Hulley, L. (2012). Unlocking the Emotional Brain. Routledge. Explains how emotional insights drive rapid behavioral change. - Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. Shows how relationships shape the brain for healthier dynamics. - Scientific Papers: - LeDoux, J. E., & Schiller, D. (2010). “The Human Amygdala and the Control of Fear.” Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 11(11), 761–769. Research on rewiring emotional memories through “recoil” moments. - Nader, K., et al. (2000). “Fear Memories Require Protein Synthesis in the Amygdala for Reconsolidation After Retrieval.” Nature, 406(6797), 722–726. Study on the 4–6 hour window for memory change. - Website: - Coherence Therapy (coherencetherapy.org). Articles and videos on using emotional insights for lasting change, based on Bruce Ecker’s work. Find these at your local library, bookstore, or online. Share what you learn with us on Instagram @masteryourmarriage!
30 Apr 31min
