Difficult Conversations - How to have them in a productive and effective way

Are you in a situation where you find that you need to have that "difficult conversation" with someone?

Whether you're at work and one of your team members is just not producing the result you're looking for, or in your personal life, someone is displaying some undesirable behavior that you want them to stop immediately.

To start, you should recognize that the reason you are having to have this difficult conversation is most likely because someone is resisting you in some form or fashion.

And there's a reason for this. I believe that when we can't make progress with someone who is resisting us, it comes down to one thing.

Every person on earth has a need to be seen and heard and know what they said mattered. They want to be validated.

You are more likely to get someone to commit to you if you give them a chance to hear what they have to say. Then you consider it when you are making a decision and even if you decide against the path they wanted to go, I believe they will be more likely to commit if they were seen and heard and concerns considered than if they were not.

It also increases the likelihood of them committing if you explain why you decided on the path you did and how their input was taken into consideration.

But, despite your best efforts, if you still find yourself in a position to have a difficult conversation. How can you accomplish this?

We'll use a model called AFIRM. It's an acronym that spells out the steps you should take. Here is what each of the letters of the acronym stand for.

A = Ask

F = Fact

I = Impact

R= Request

M = Mutuality

Remember what I said in the beginning. You will get resistance if people don't feel validated, so when you are going through the AFIRM model, don't ram your view down their throat. You need to solicit their view and thoughts on each and every one of these points.

Let's start with the Ask. The purpose of this step is to be able to broach the conversation with them in a manner where they will not be defensive and be open minded. This is probably the most difficult of all the steps. If you know they feel tension in the relationship consider the best time to even broach the ask.

Next talk about the facts. Don't first launch in with your version of the facts. Ask them what they think the facts are. And we need to distinguish between fact and opinion or judgment. The goal that you are trying to accomplish here are the facts about their behavior. Remember, the reason you are having this conversation is because they are exhibiting behavior you feel needs correcting.

Once we have the facts established. Now comes the "impact" of their behavior. The goal of this step is to help them understand the negative consequences of the behavior you established in the fact step. Share what you think is the impact of their behavior, but also be prepared to hear their side.

Once they understand the negative impact of their behavior, you should make a request of them. Be clear about the outcome you want. This step is what most people jump to when they launch into difficult conversations. Hopefully you can see how futile it is to start here. It should not be a specific how? Like, Never talk to Bob that way again. A better way is to express the outcome you want and have them figure out how to accomplish it.

Finally the M in AFIRM stands for mutuality. At this point, you have not yet gotten their commitment. The goal of this step is to get that commitment. What you want out of this are specific actions and the time those actions will be done. Specifically get them to commit.

I hope this model gives you are framework on how to have difficult conversations.