067 – Part Of The Gift Has Been The Work I’ve Done On Myself

Christie was a shy child who wanted to participate in activities but held herself back from engaging. It wasn't until she was an adult that her adopted brother unexpectedly suggested Christie might want to search. That’s when their mother shared her adoption information. When she found her birth father, he openly acknowledged their relationship and explained that he and her birth mother would have been very young parents with no parents of their own. He introduced Christie to her birth mother, and the women took it slow, getting to know and trust one another. The biggest reunion surprise for Christie was realizing she wasn’t as well-adjusted about her adoption as she thought. Her reunions uncovered buried emotions that had plagued her since childhood, but she’s putting in the work to heal herself.

The blog post Christie references is: https://adultadopteesupport.blogspot.com/2014/01/am-i-blood-or-am-i-water.html

Read Full TranscriptChristine: 00:04 That was the essence of what I grew up with, this feeling, this and not anything that my parents put on me. It was me putting on myself and from such a young age, I don’t even recall it happening, that I have felt ashamed of being adopted, that I knew that I wasn’t worthy of being kept, you know, so I’ve done a lot of work and it’s really profoundly changed me as a person.

Voices: 00:35 Who am I? Who am I? Am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon: 00:47 This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I’m Damon Davis, and on today’s show is Christie. She called me from Rocklin, California, a suburb of Sacramento. christie tells the story of being a shy child who wanted to participate in activities, but she held herself back from engaging. It wasn’t until she was an adult were her adopted Brother unexpectedly suggested that Kristi might want to search that her mother shared her adoption information with her. When she found her birth father. He openly acknowledged their relation and explained to the complexities of their situation as young parents Long ago. He introduced Christie to her birth mother and the women took it slow getting to know and trust one another. This is Christie’s journey….

Damon: 01:40 christie was born in the early 1960s in San Diego, California. Her adoptive parents took her home from the hospital when she was three days old. She always knew she was adopted, but her adoption was closed so her parents either didn’t know or never shared the details of for her adoption with her. Christie has a younger brother, also an adoptee, but they’re unrelated. They had a loving family where adoption was an accepted part of how things were. She talks about her demeanor as a child.

Christine: 02:09 I was a really shy child. I would say. That’s what I thought it was. I thought I was shy. I never wanted to draw any attention to myself. Um, I, I mean I had friends but I wouldn’t say I was terribly outgoing and, and I could never really put a label on it, but I would always compare myself to other people and find myself lacking in certain ways. Like, you know, they were always prettier than I was or smarter than I was or more interesting or whatever. So I always felt like I was not, um, that I was, I don’t want to say is good. That’s not really the right word. And I couldn’t really put a label on it for years until I dealt with it later on. But definitely a lot of things I didn’t choose to do, like sports and, and even though I had an interest in them, but I didn’t choose to do them because I didn’t want. I guess I didn’t want other people to judge me or find me lacking in areas. So I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself. I didn’t go to school dances or things like that. And I mean, like I said, I had friends that I would go hang out with. So it wasn’t like I didn’t have some sort of a social life, but if I was the person I am today, I would have probably done things much differently as a child, I think

Damon: 03:32 that’s a really fascinating. Adoptees often talk about fear of rejection and things like that, but it sounds like you almost were preempting other people’s rejection by pushing yourself down.

Christine: 03:47 I think so. I mean, looking back and having the perspective on it now. At the time I never really related it to being adopted. I didn’t associate the two. I didn’t really. I mean we didn’t even really discuss adoption in my house. Not that it was a secret because they had told us about it, but I don’t think it was necessarily encouraged to talk about and, and I don’t, I don’t recall any instances of me bringing it up and they and my parents squashing the conversation, but I just always had the sense that if I expressed any interest or questions or anything like that, that it might hurt their feelings and make them feel like they weren’t good parents or they weren’t enough.

Damon: 04:34 Christie wishes their family had talked about adoption more, but she acknowledges that in the 1960s the prevailing wisdom was you could just transplant a baby to a new family with no repercussions. There was no need for open discussion therapy or transitional supports. christie said she didn’t want to hurt her parents with inquiries about adoption, so I wondered if she ever discussed it with her brother. They never did when they were young, but Christie did broach the topic with another child in her neighborhood who would openly discuss her own adoption in front of her mother. It was very different from Christie’s home, but even those open conversations away from her house didn’t make Christie feel like she could talk about it at home. She thinks she was in the fog as we adopt these, refer to it. She said she occasionally fantasized about what we’re union might look like for herself, but it wasn’t until she was an adult that her brother randomly, but possibly very intentionally open to the opportunity for christie to explore reunion.

Christine: