#159 - Teaching Kindness Without Forcing Friendships: A Parenting Dilemma (with Jessica Speer)

As parents, we all want our kids to be kind, inclusive, and compassionate. But what about when your child simply isn’t interested in a friendship? How do you balance kindness with their right to choose who they spend time with?

This week, I revisit one of my earliest and most-loved conversations with award-winning author Jessica Speer, whose books help kids and tweens navigate the tricky terrain of friendships, including BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? and Middle School--Safety Goggles Advised.

This isn’t just a tween and teen conversation. It's about us as parents. Many of us have been on both sides: watching our kids be left out and watching them leave someone else out. And just like in adult friendships, chemistry matters.

Jessica shares practical language for kids to politely say “no,” stories from her own parenting experience (including a birthday party that went sideways from over-inclusion), and the importance of helping kids identify and grow healthy friendships.

If you’ve ever wondered how to raise a kind kid who also has strong boundaries without becoming the parent who micromanages every friendship, this episode is for you.

WE TACKLE:

• Teaching kids to treat others with dignity and warmth without sending the message they must be friends with everyone.
• Understanding “shared spaces” (the lunchroom or a sports team) versus private time (a sleepover or weekend hangout).
• The “romantic relationship” analogy: why we’d never force our kids to date someone they weren’t interested in, but often push friendships in that exact way.
• How to help kids gracefully decline plans without ghosting or hurting feelings unnecessarily.
• Recognizing when our own parental fears--especially about what other parents might think--are driving our actions.
• Why being overly included can backfire, and how too much forced inclusion can prevent kids from finding genuine, mutual friendships.

LINKS & RESOURCES:

• Ep #73: "I'm Just Not Into This Friendship" with guest Ruchi Koval.
• Ask an anonymous question
• "What if My Kid is the Mean One" the August anonymous question on dearnina.substack.com.

MEET JESSICA SPEER:

Jessica Speer is the award-winning author of books for kids and teens, including The Phone Book – Stay Safe, Be Smart, and Make the World Better with the Powerful Device in Your Hand, BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships and Middle School – Safety Goggles Advised.

Blending social science, stories, and activities, her writing guides readers through tricky stuff that surfaces during childhood and adolescence. She holds a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences and has a knack for writing about complex topics in a way that connects with kids and teens. Jessica regularly contributes to media outlets on content related to kids, parenting, friendship, screens, and social-emotional learning. For more information, visit JessicaSpeer.com and Instagram @jessica_speer_author.

ALL THE DEAR NINA LINKS + CONTACT INFO

📢 How to promote your service, business, or book on Dear Nina

📱 Subscribe to my newsletter “Conversations About Friendship” on Substack

❤️ Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, & the Dear Nina Facebook group

📪 Ask an anonymous friendship question

🔎 Want to work with me on your podcast, your friendships, or need another link? That’s probably here.

Special thank you, as always, to my assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs!