231. Secret Signals: Why We Rarely Say Exactly What We Mean

Why what isn’t said can communicate more than what is spoken.

We often speak in hints and half-truths, not because we can’t be direct, but because subtlety protects our relationships. “An awful lot of the time, we don’t just blurt out what we mean,” says Steven Pinker. “We hint, we wink, we beat around the bush — counting on our listener to read between the lines, connect the dots, catch our drift.”
Pinker is the Johnstone Professor of Psychology at Harvard University, a celebrated linguist and cognitive scientist, and the author of twelve influential books. His latest, When Everyone Knows That Everyone Knows: Common Knowledge and the Mysteries of Money, Power, and Everyday Life, explores how our shared understanding of awareness — what Steven refers to as common knowledge — and the way we signal it, governs everything from friendships to authority to negotiations. “Common knowledge is what ratifies or annuls social relationships, and that's why blurting something out that contradicts the assumptions of the relationship can blow everything up and be deeply awkward.”
In this episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, Pinker joins host Matt Abrahams to discuss why humans lean on innuendo, euphemism, and strategic ambiguity. They examine how culture and context shape what we hear, why our social fabric depends on more than just literal meaning, and offer practical ways to refine our communication by paying attention not just to what we say, but to what others know we know.

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Episode Reference Links:

• Steven Pinker
• Steven’s Book: When Everyone Knows That Everyone Knows
• Ep.91 Um, Like, So: How Filler Words Can Create More Connected, Effective Communication
• Ep.225 Speaking Fluent Internet: How Algorithms Are Changing the Way We Speak

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• Matt Abrahams >>> LinkedIn

Chapters:

• (00:00) - Introduction
• (03:00) - Why We Speak Indirectly
• (07:16) - The Role of Context
• (11:12) - Cross-Cultural Perspectives
• (12:28) - Hypocrisy as Social Glue
• (14:20) - Clarity, Conciseness, & Grace
• (17:44) - Metaphors We Live By
• (20:26) - The Final Three Questions
• (24:22) - Conclusion

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