28. Everything I wished I learned in Sex-Ed

Why do we love having sexual fantasies, and what are their benefits?   On this episode, Sara chats with guests Mo and Andy, who are stand-up comedians that host the local Ho Ho Hong Kong podcast so be prepared for some big laughs.   We discuss how sexual fantasies stimulate arousal, are an escape from reality (like the pandemic), alleviate boredom and can even help us heal from past traumas.   We each share a few of our own personal stories around our favourite sexual fantasies and whether the reality lived up to our expectations. You might never look a camel the same way again!   We discuss how comfortable we are sharing and exploring our fantasies with our partners, and the role of boundaries in that conversation.   Sara presents some fascinating research around the top 3 most common sexual fantasies and how our fantasies may align with our personalities.   She also reads out several crowdsourced sexual fantasies that showcase the diversity and creativity of the human imagination. Mo and Andy respond with hilarious results.   --- Want more Better in Bed? Get my free audio guide now  Follow @hellosarasense on Instagram Support our sponsor and keep this show FREE: Download Pure Detailed show notes for this episode here.   P.S. If you’ve gotten value from this podcast, please support my work as a creator by leaving a review or buying me a coffee. :)

29 Apr 20211h 12min

What does consent look like, and how do you make it sexy?   In this episode, Sara invites sex-positive friends Jessica and Prescott Gaylord to talk about their personal experiences on consent.   Prescott is an improv actor and instructor who facilitates consent workshops. And on the show, he gives us practical techniques and exercises on how to establish better consent and boundaries.   We talk about our definitions of consent and how our personal feelings towards this concept have evolved over time. Particularly with the #metoo movement bringing this discussion to the forefront.      One key consent technique we discuss on the show is shifting our feelings around the word “no”. Often a “no” is construed as a rejection, and followed by frustration or disappointment.   However, by learning to celebrate “no”, it gives us an opportunity to be more aware of someone’s boundaries and accept this as a positive thing. This concept may take a little time to get used to but it’s definitely something worth thinking about.   We also demonstrate how a simple question like, “how do you like to be ____?” can make asking for consent really hot and sexy.   This empowering episode will help you to feel more confident about asking for consent and expressing your own boundaries without shame or guilt.   --- Want more Better in Bed? Get my free audio guide now  Follow @hellosarasense on Instagram Support our sponsor and keep this show FREE: Download Pure Detailed show notes and resources here P.S. If you’ve gotten value from this podcast, please support my work as a creator by leaving a review or buying me a coffee. :)

15 Apr 202159min

Is long-distance a deal-breaker for your sex and love life, or can it actually make things hotter and better? In this episode, Sara chats with sex-positive friends Helen and James, who have both been in long-term long-distance relationships and are happy to share their experiences. We talk about some of the difficulties couples may experience with intimacy and the misunderstandings that occur over long-distance relationships. But more importantly, we talk about how to keep it sexy and fun! We explore the benefits of being in a long-distance relationship, such as independence and the space to cultivate desire, and how to build a strong foundation for your relationship to grow on. We also get down and dirty sharing some ideas on how to keep things steamy, share personal intimate moments through sexting, video chats, photos, and even toys that can be used across the world! We learn that it takes trust, great communication, clearly defined boundaries, constant dedication and a safe place to explore your sexuality if you want to keep your spark alive across long distance. Long distance sex and relationships are hard work. But they can actually help us gain the skills to help us get better at our in-person relationships.   --- Want more Better in Bed? Get my free audio guide now  Follow @hellosarasense on Instagram Support our sponsor and keep this show FREE: Download Pure Detailed show notes and resources  here P.S. If you’ve gotten value from this podcast, please support my work as a creator by leaving a review or buying me a coffee. :)

1 Apr 20211h 11min

Sexual desire, or libidos, naturally ebb and flow. Sometimes over a course of a single day. So one of the most common challenges that couples face in relationships is a loss of desire or mismatched libidos. Often in these situations, sex begins to feel like a chore or a performance, which leads to further avoidance.   On this Sex FAQs episode, Sara and relationship coach, Valentina Tudose from Happy Ever After tackle common questions crowdsourced from listeners around the topics of desire, and how to take sex from performance to pleasure: “How can we restart our sex life after having a baby? I’m in the mood more often than my wife, but hesitant to bring it up with her as I’m afraid it will lead to conflict.” “I have a far stronger libido than my partner. When we do have sex, it tends to be the same every time, without much enthusiasm and passion. We’ve talked about it but she just doesn’t have the same interest in it that I do.” “I’ve always thought of sex as a performance and for my partner’s pleasure rather than myself. When my partner asks me what I want, I find myself not knowing what I want as well. Is there anything that can help him and us?” “I used to enjoy sex but find myself avoiding it because it feels like too much hard work and gives me very little pleasure. I focus so much on not coming too fast that it takes me ages to get there and I sometimes just give up. What can I do to learn to enjoy it again?” “I have been trying to get my wife pregnant but it seems my body disagrees. I am having trouble getting hard and when it happens, it only lasts a short time. Please help.”   Valentina and Sara talk about broadening the experience of sex beyond just orgasm, and approaching it with a sense of curiosity, fun and playfulness. Adopting a “performance mindset” around sex (i.e. reaching orgasm) usually results in unsatisfying sex, and lead to couples overlooking other ways of building physical and emotional intimacy. We also discuss strategies for couples to introduce novelty, explore each other’s bodies, and take responsibility for their own sexual pleasure.  After all, sexual desire is built on the assumption that you’re having the kind of sex that is worth craving! --- Want more Better in Bed? Get my free audio guide now  Follow @hellosarasense on Instagram Support our sponsor and keep this show FREE: Download Pure Detailed show notes and resources  here. P.S. If you’ve gotten value from this podcast, please support my work as a creator by leaving a review or buying me a coffee. :)

24 Maj 202052min

Dirty talk usually gets a bad rep. After all, sex isn’t dirty – so why should talking about it be?   On this hilarious episode, Sara chats with her sex-positive friends Kat and James, who are never short on things to say, in the bedroom or otherwise. We talk about the many benefits of dirty talk – from building fantasy, increasing arousal, establishing consent, getting validation and connecting more deeply with one’s partner.   We explore the many different styles – from flirty, naughty, seductive to filthy and degrading – and agree its all in the delivery. We also dish the dirt on our personal best and worst sex talk experiences, which words turn us on or off, and give best practices for sexting.   Learn how to master the art of dirty talk as we come up with ideas for easy phrases for shy beginners, and other must-dos when it comes to the language of sex. --- Want more Better in Bed? Get my free audio guide now  Follow @hellosarasense on Instagram Support our sponsor and keep this show FREE: Download Pure Detailed show notes and resources here. P.S. If you’ve gotten value from this podcast, please support my work as a creator by leaving a review or buying me a coffee. :)

8 Maj 20201h 3min

How has the global pandemic affected your sex and love life? And how can you ‘corona-proof’ your relationship against the stress, uncertainty and conflict?   A crisis like the one we find ourselves in accelerates the dynamics of any relationship, and you may feel more intense emotions for each other or reach breaking point more quickly.   We’re all concerned about staying physically healthy during these times; but it just as important to keep your relationships safe, strong and healthy too.   Sara chats with clinical psychologist Dr. Kimberly Carder, as we discuss practical strategies and solutions to answer the following crowdsourced questions from followers:   How do I reduce anxiety for myself, and comfort and reassure my partner during this crisis? I’m around my partner all the time, and we don’t have much desire for sex right now. How can we spice things up and re-capture that sense of excitement? We’re both stuck at home at this intense time, which is driving us to nitpick and fight with each other over lots of small things that wouldn’t normally bother us. What can we do? My partner and I are stuck in different cities, and I’m feeling lonely and bored now that we’re separated. What can we do to feel more connected? My partner thinks I am over reacting and minimizes my fear of the coronavirus, how can I get them to take it more seriously? Is it even safe to have sex these days?   Kim and Sara talk about why the power of “teamwork” is more essential than ever during these times, and the need for the 4Cs – creativity, communication, connection and commitment – to strengthen any relationship, and keep things hot and sexy! ---- Want more tips on corona-proofing your sex and love life? Get Sara’s online training Follow us on Instagram Follow Dr Kimberley Carder on Instagram Detailed show notes for this episode here P.S. If you’ve gotten value from this podcast, I’d really appreciate it if you subscribed and left a review. :)

9 Apr 202042min

Is your perception of BDSM and kink informed by the infamous Fifty Shades of Gray?   Even though the Fifty Shades franchise does a lot to bring BDSM to the mainstream, it also get a lot of things wrong. Particularly one of BDSM’s key principles, negotiating consent.   Sara and co-host Kat sit down with Jannus of KinkBites — a veteran kinkster, community organizer, and Hong Kong dungeon manager — to lament the Fifty Shades effect, and the myths and misconceptions around BDSM that it perpetuates.   We talk about how the “church of kink” is full of variety (and not all about pain) and how kinky people come from all walks of life. Jannus’s shares his own personal introduction to kink – when his desire to learn how to do better drag resulted in a fateful encounter with Mistress Decima, Hong Kong’s “Godmother of Kink”.   Jannus provides recommendations to beginners and newbies who want to get started with BDSM. He sheds light on common BDSM terminology, what toys one can start with, dating as a kinky person and how to introduce a vanilla partner to your kinks. All in a fun, non-threatening, consensual manner.  --- How confident a lover are you? Take the quiz For more sex-positive resources, visit Sarasense Or follow us on Instagram Detailed show notes for this episode here. P.S. If you’ve gotten value from this podcast, I’d really appreciate it if you subscribed and left a review. :)

16 Mars 20201h 4min