#237: How Anxious & Avoidant People Differ Around Breakups
On Attachment3 Maalis

#237: How Anxious & Avoidant People Differ Around Breakups

In this episode, we explore one of the most painful dynamics after a breakup: watching your ex seem “fine” while you feel completely unravelled — and the stories that comparison creates. We unpack why anxious and avoidant attachment patterns tend to process breakups so differently, and why those differences don’t mean what you think they mean.

We look at how anxious attachment often shows up as hyperactivation — intense grief, rumination, urgency, and the need to understand what happened — and how avoidant attachment tends to deactivate under stress, sometimes resulting in relief, distraction, or moving on quickly. We also talk about the timing mismatch that can occur, where one person feels everything immediately and the other processes more slowly (or more superficially).

The core takeaway: different coping strategies are not a measure of love, worth, or who cared more. And comparing your internal experience to their outward presentation will only keep you stuck.

In this episode, we cover:

  • Why comparison after a breakup fuels suffering for anxious attachers
  • How hyperactivation and deactivation shape the breakup experience
  • Why relief doesn’t mean they didn’t care
  • The common “timing mismatch” in anxious–avoidant breakups
  • How to shift your focus back to yourself instead of analysing them

If you’re going through a breakup, you can register for my free breakup training here.

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#248: How to Cope With My Ex Being Happy in a New Relationship (Ask Steph)

#248: How to Cope With My Ex Being Happy in a New Relationship (Ask Steph)

In today’s Ask Steph episode, we’re talking about how to cope when your ex seems to have moved on soon after your break-up — and is now in a new relationship that appears to be working.This can be an ...

9 Huhti 11min

#247: Is It Your Anxious Attachment... or the Wrong Relationship?

#247: Is It Your Anxious Attachment... or the Wrong Relationship?

In today’s episode, we’re unpacking one of the most common (and confusing) questions for people with anxious attachment: is it me, or is there something genuinely not right in this relationship?When y...

7 Huhti 14min

#246: When Is It a Good Idea to Be Friends with an Ex? (Ask Steph)

#246: When Is It a Good Idea to Be Friends with an Ex? (Ask Steph)

In today’s Ask Steph episode, we’re exploring a common question: is it ever a good idea to be friends with an ex?While staying connected can sometimes feel comforting after a breakup, it’s not always ...

2 Huhti 8min

#245: Should Anxiously Attached People Just Avoid Avoidants?

#245: Should Anxiously Attached People Just Avoid Avoidants?

In today’s episode, I’m unpacking why I don’t give the common advice for anxiously attached people to simply avoid avoidant partners.While it might seem like a straightforward way to protect yourself ...

31 Maalis 10min

#244: I Healed My Anxious Attachment… So Why Don’t I Want a Relationship Anymore? (Ask Steph)

#244: I Healed My Anxious Attachment… So Why Don’t I Want a Relationship Anymore? (Ask Steph)

In this Ask Steph episode, I’m responding to a question I hear more often than you might expect. Someone has done a lot of work on their anxious attachment patterns, they feel more grounded and secure...

26 Maalis 7min

#243: How to Create Healthy, Balanced Relationships with Nedra Glover Tawwab

#243: How to Create Healthy, Balanced Relationships with Nedra Glover Tawwab

In this episode, I’m joined by therapist, bestselling author, and boundaries expert Nedra Glover Tawwab for a powerful conversation on what it really means to have healthy dependency in our relationsh...

24 Maalis 43min

#242: When Does Self-Improvement Become Self-Sabotage? (Ask Steph)

#242: When Does Self-Improvement Become Self-Sabotage? (Ask Steph)

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question about the fine line between personal growth and the endless pursuit of self-improvement.While healing, reflection, and growth are powerful t...

19 Maalis 6min

#241: How to Date from Self-Worth

#241: How to Date from Self-Worth

Modern dating can be tough. Between apps, ghosting, and the uncertainty that often comes with meeting strangers outside our social circles, the whole process can be seriously activating — and all the ...

17 Maalis 17min

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