Raising Twin Pathologically Demand Avoidant Boys: Socialization, Therapeutic Equalizing, and the Long Game | Ep. 155

In this episode, I coach Pam, a mom raising fraternal twin 10-year-old boys, both PDA and autistic, who present and react quite differently from each other.

We talk through the socialization questions: what gets in the way, what actually helps, and why the issue for many PDA kids is not a lack of social skills but a nervous system that cannot access those skills in the moment.

I introduce the concept of therapeutic equalizing and what it can look like as a daily practice at home. We also spend time on the harder, less tactical piece: what it means to stay in the energy of non-attachment when you have tried everything and your kids still did not go to the Dungeons and Dragons group.

Key Takeaways

• Two PDA Boys, Two Different Presentations | 00:03:06 Pam describes how her twin boys, both PDA and autistic, present quite differently in the world. One masks heavily and comes across as capable and attitude-driven. The other shows his struggle more visibly and has been out of school since grade one. I use this as a starting point for the importance of not grouping two PDA kids together even when they share the same diagnosis, and why the expectations and experiments for each may need to start from different places.

• Why Socialization Struggles Are Not a Skills Problem | 00:19:34 For many PDA kids, the barrier to socialization is not that they lack the understanding of social norms. It is that their nervous system tips into threat perception in social situations, which blocks access to the skills they do have. I give the example of a child who understands not to call someone stupid but does it anyway when another kid grabs the controller, because the response is automatic, not chosen. What improves this over time is reducing cumulative nervous system activation, not practicing social skills in isolation.

• Therapeutic Equalizing as a Daily Practice | 00:27:30 I introduce the concept of therapeutic equalizing: intentionally creating space each day for a PDA child to be dominant, to criticize, correct, and control a trusted adult, while that adult responds with lightness, self-deprecating humor, and full acceptance. For Desmond, who is often in the position of yielding to his more dominant twin, this kind of deliberate one-on-one time may help him offset cumulative activation before it builds. Pam and I discuss what this could look like practically at home, including using strewing and sensory cues rather than direct invitations.

• How to Track Real Progress | 00:36:30 When parents feel like things are not moving fast enough, I come back to three indicators worth tracking over longer time horizons: nervous system activation, access to basic needs, and connection with safe people. Academic milestones, connection with friends, and hours at school are longer-horizon indicators that sit on top of these foundations.

• The Energy Underneath the Tactics | 00:43:29 Pam names something many experienced parents of PDAers feel: she knows the tools, she has been doing the work for years, and it is still hard. I reflect that what often remains after the tactics are in place is the energetic piece: the grief, the non-attachment, the letting go of what you thought your family's life would look like. PDA kids perceive the energy of a parent trying to control an outcome even when the approach looks accommodating on the surface. The work of releasing that is not a technique. It is an ongoing practice.

Relevant Resources

Tracking Progress — Free class on the indicators Casey discusses for measuring what is actually shifting

Understanding PDA — Free class with deeper context on the nervous system disability framework Casey references

Paradigm Shift Program — Our signature program where therapeutic equalizing and equality accommodations are taught in full