Why People Get Into Affairs (And What's Missing)

Why do people get into affairs when almost nobody actually wants to be in one? That's the question I sat with this week after a comment I made on last week's guest episode. I believe most of us are good at our core and don't want to hurt the people in our lives. So when someone ends up in an affair anyway, I think it points to something lacking within — not only in the marriage, but in the person.

I can only speak for myself. The version of me who got into a relationship with a married man didn't have the confidence in relationships that I have now. I was desperate to be loved and to be seen in a way I hadn't felt before. And here's what took me years to understand: nobody can fill that void for you. Nobody could hand me self-worth. I had to build it.

I also get into the word that kept coming up when I finally told my coworkers I was ending my marriage — courage — and why so many people stay stuck because they don't believe they'll be okay on the other side. I talk about the moment on vacation when I said "I value myself" out loud and startled myself, the idea that you're the common denominator in your own relationships, and why the internal work is every bit as hard as the external.

If you're in an affair right now and none of this feels good to hear, that's fine. When we know better, it becomes our responsibility to do better — and there's no timer on that.

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