116: The Victim Mindset in Divorce: How to Move Through Separation From a Calmer, Wiser Place, with Colette Bain

Separation stirs up some of the most powerful emotions we will ever feel. When we feel wronged, abandoned or unappreciated, it’s very human to dig our heels in. But decisions made from that wounded place often prolong the very pain we long to leave behind.

In this episode of our series on conscious, intentional divorce, I’m joined again by family solicitor Colette Bane. We explore the victim mindset: what it looks like, how it shows up in the legal process, and how to gently move out of it.

Colette explains how people who feel aggrieved by a separation may delay and frustrate the process without realising it. Their ex can easily experience this as a form of passive revenge, even when that’s the last thing they intend. She shares why she insists on seeing clients on video rather than relying on email. There was the moment a client’s laughter turned out to be tears. And she explains why the words “I don’t want revenge” don’t always match what the body and voice are saying.

We also talk about the sacrifices so many people make during a relationship, often in a parenting or homemaking role, and the grief of never having them acknowledged. And from my side as a psychotherapist, I explain why staying calm really matters. When we are stressed, our survival brain takes over, and we lose access to the part of us that can think clearly and make wise decisions.

Please note: this conversation does not apply to survivors of domestic abuse or coercive control. That is a very different situation, which I explore in episodes 60–66 of this podcast.

Key Takeaways

• Every victim mindset is emotional, but not every emotional person is in a victim mindset. It helps to notice where you are before making big decisions.
• Delaying the inevitable prolongs suffering. Frustrating the divorce process rarely changes the outcome, but it can create problems that never needed to exist.
• Your body tells the truth. Most of what we communicate comes through body language and tone, so what we say and what we mean can be very different things.
• Calm makes wiser decisions possible. Under stress, the survival brain takes charge. Support from coaches, therapists and calm professionals helps you choose from your adult self.
• Don’t wait for credit your ex never gave. The law recognises the homemaker as much as the breadwinner, even if your former partner doesn’t.

Resources Mentioned

• Revolutionise Your Love Life, episodes 60–66, on recognising and protecting yourself from power and control relationships
• Find Colette on Instagram at @colette.familylaw or on LinkedIn (Colette Bane)

About Colette

Colette is a family solicitor at Knights. She supports people through separation and divorce with warmth, clarity and a healthy dose of humour. She believes in working with the whole person, not just their instructions. She prefers meeting clients face to face or on video so she can understand how they are really doing, and she works alongside coaches and therapists so her clients can make decisions from their calmest, most grounded selves.

About Your Host

Heather Garbutt is a psychotherapist, love coach and accredited Calling In The One practitioner with over twenty years of experience working with women on love, relationships and the interior work that makes lasting change possible.

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