Coming Out, Moving On: A Late Life Lesbian's Journey of Processing The Normal Feelings of Guilt and Grief During a Divorce (with Emily Bettdur)

💡 Guest bio

Emily Bettdur's story begins with her conservative Catholic upbringing that provided little exposure to homosexuality. Despite this, she found herself frequently commenting on attractive women while dating her ex-husband. It was her husband who eventually confronted her about her potential attraction to women, leading Emily to question her own feelings. Over time, she realized that she was indeed attracted to women. However, she struggled with societal expectations and the idea of following a predetermined checklist for life. Despite having a good relationship with her husband, Emily's desire and longing for women continued to grow. Eventually, the conflict caused issues in their marriage, and they both recognized the need for each of them to figure things out individually. Emily's husband suggested that she explore her feelings further by going on a date with a woman. This experience confirmed for Emily that she desired a life with a woman and staying in her marriage would only lead to unfulfilled yearning. She understood that staying in her marriage would lead to dissatisfaction and unfairness for both her and her ex-husband. They made the difficult decision to get divorced and separate, allowing Emily to embrace her true identity.

ℹ️ Introduction

On this episode of Lesbi-Honest, host Sarah St John invites guest Emily Bettdur to share her experience of going through a divorce and realizing her true sexuality. Emily opens up about the sadness and grief she felt during the divorce process, but also highlights how both she and her ex-spouse knew it was the right thing and approached it logically. They were able to navigate the divorce relatively easily, sitting down together to file paperwork and create a plan. Despite the emotions that arose, the couple remained mature and amicable, resulting in a strong friendship that continues to this day. Emily's ex-spouse has even found love with a new girlfriend, whom Emily accepts and loves.

However, not all divorces are as amicable, and Emily shares the contrast with her wife's relationship with her own ex-husband, who is not on good terms with her. Emily and her current wife both identify as late-life lesbians, and Emily dives into their belief in true love and their dating history. They met on a dating app and, despite past negative experiences, felt an instant connection. After eight months of dating, they got married and have been together for almost three years. Emily emphasizes the strong communication and love they share, which surpassed their expectations. Yet, she also discusses the fear and anxiety they experienced before getting married again due to their previous divorce. Nevertheless, they are grateful for finding the right person and having a strong relationship.

The conversation takes a turn as Emily delves into coming out as LGBTQ+ to her family while going through the divorce. Her mother had a shocking and initially incomprehension reaction, questioning if therapy couldn't save the marriage. She needed time to process and sought guidance from a priest, but eventually accepted Emily's partner. Emily stresses the importance of giving families time to process and grieve when accepting LGBTQ+ loved ones, acknowledging that the grieving process may involve anger and need to be met with grace and space.

The episode touches on the difficulties of grieving and guilt in this situation. People often feel guilty for grieving because they feel responsible for the relationship ending. Emily highlights how women, in particular, may question their own feelings if they miss their ex-husbands while identifying as lesbians, and the common experience of feeling jealous when ex-husbands move on. She reassures listeners that it is normal to experience extra emotions and question one's sexuality during this process. Grieving is allowed and necessary, even if one feels responsible for the end of the relationship. Emily acknowledges