To the Male Victims of Domestic Violence

To the Male Victims of Domestic Violence

Men aren’t the problem. But men are the solution.

I didn’t fully understand this statement before getting involved with Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services. But my time in the recording booth with our podcast team has opened my eyes to so much.

First, it’s normal to talk about victims with female pronouns because so many domestic violence victims we see are women, and their assailants, men.

But we know that victims aren’t only women. Men are victims, too. At the hands of both female and male abusers.

Secondly, through interviews with survivors and experts in this organization, I’ve learned that as a man, I don’t need to feel shunned because so often it’s my gender who’s violent. This isn’t an organization or a movement that’s against men. Organizations like DASAS are here to support men, just as we support women.

We want to put a stop to intimate partner violence by shining a light on it. It’s not okay to take the power away from a partner or other relationship. It’s not manly to control others.

I want to speak to the men here tonight. If you’re a man in an abusive relationship, it’s important to know that you’re not alone. Abuse of men happens far more often than you might expect—in both heterosexual and same sex relationships. It happens to men from all cultures and all walks of life regardless of age or occupation. However, men are often reluctant to report abuse because they feel embarrassed, fear they won’t be believed, or are scared that their partner will take revenge.

Domestic violence against men can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. Abusive relationships always involve an imbalance of power and control. An abuser uses intimidating, hurtful words and behaviors to control his or her partner.

It might not be easy to recognize domestic violence against men. Early in the relationship, your partner might seem attentive, generous and protective in ways that later turn out to be controlling and frightening.

You might be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:

  • Calls you names, insults you or puts you down

  • Prevents you from going to work or school

  • Stops you from seeing family or friends

  • Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear

  • Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful

  • Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs

  • Threatens you with violence or a weapon

  • Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you physically, your children or your pets

  • Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will

  • Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

Please. Don't take the blame.

You may not be sure whether you're the victim or the abuser. It's common for survivors of domestic violence to act out verbally or physically against the abuser, yelling, pushing or hitting him or her during conflicts. The abuser may use such incidents to manipulate you, describing them as proof that you are the abusive partner.

You may have developed unhealthy behaviors. Many survivors do. That doesn't mean you are at fault for the abuse.

If you're having trouble identifying what's happening, take a step back and look at larger patterns in your relationship. Then, review the signs of domestic violence. In an abusive relationship, the person who routinely uses these behaviors is the abuser. The person on the receiving end is being abused.

Even if you're still not sure, seek help. Intimate partner violence causes physical and emotional damage — no matter who is at fault.

If you’re gay, bisexual, or transgender, you can experience domestic violence and abuse if you’re in a relationship with someone who:

  • Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues, or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity

  • Tells you that authorities won’t help a gay, bisexual, or transgender person

  • Tells you that leaving the relationship means you’re admitting that gay, bisexual, or transgender relationships are deviant

  • Justifies abuse by telling you that you’re not “really” gay, bisexual, or transgender

  • Says that men are naturally violent

Regardless of gender, ending a relationship, even an abusive one, is rarely easy. It becomes even harder if you’ve been isolated from friends and family, threatened, manipulated, and controlled, or physically and emotionally beaten down.

You may feel that you have to stay in the relationship due to any of these reasons:

  • You feel ashamed. Many men feel great shame that they’ve been abused, been unable to stand up for themselves, or somehow failed in their role as a male, husband, or father.

  • Your religious beliefs dictate that you stay or your self-worth is so low that you feel this abusive relationship is all you deserve.

  • There’s a lack of resources. Many men worry they’ll have difficulty being believed by the authorities, or that their abuse will be minimized because they’re male, or find there are few resources to specifically help abused men.

  • You’re in a same sex relationship but haven’t come out to family or friends, and are afraid your partner will out you.

  • You’re in denial. Just as with female domestic violence victims, denying that there is a problem in your relationship will only prolong the abuse. You may still love your partner when they’re not being abusive and believe that they will change or that you can help them. But change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for their behavior and seeks professional treatment.

  • You want to protect your children. You worry that if you leave, your spouse will harm your children or prevent you from having access to them. Obtaining custody of children is always challenging for fathers, but even if you are confident that you can do so, you may still feel overwhelmed at the prospect of raising them alone.

If these sound familiar, you are not alone. We see you.

Domestic violence and abuse can have a serious physical and psychological impact. The first step to protecting yourself and stopping the abuse is to reach out. Talk to a friend, family member, or someone else you trust, or call a domestic violence helpline.

Admitting the problem and seeking help does not mean you have failed as a man or as a husband. You are not to blame, and you are not weak. As well as offering a sense of relief and providing some much-needed support, sharing details of your abuse can also be the first step in building a case against your abuser.

If you’re looking for help and need advice or advocacy, I want to encourage you to call 911 if it’s an emergency. Then, please reach out to DASAS. We’re here to help.

Our 24 hour hotline is 800-828-2023 and our website is dasas-mi-dot-org.

Domestic violence against men can have devastating effects. Although you may not be able to stop your partner's abusive behavior, you can seek help. Remember, no one deserves to be abused.

I encourage everyone to listen to our podcast, I’m Not In An Abusive Relationship, for hope, insight and encouragement.

Thank you for being here tonight.

If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources. I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.

Jaksot(121)

How Can I Tell if I Have Abusive Parents

How Can I Tell if I Have Abusive Parents

Maryssa Presbitero, child advocate at DASAS, helps answer the question "How can I tell if my parents are abusive?" Child abuse is more than physical violence or neglect. It can come in many other forms like narcissism, trying to turn the child against a parent, making the child responsible for the parent's emotional well-being and more. Resources used in this conversation: Healthline 11 signs you have an emotionally abusive mother 15 signs you have an emotionally abusive parent How you can tell if you have emotionally abusive parents Melissa's WMU article A Behavioral Analysis of Intimate Partner Violence Victims ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

16 Joulu 202026min

Can Domestic Abuse Cause Depression?

Can Domestic Abuse Cause Depression?

This follow up to "How Does Domestic Violence Affect the Brain?" brings DASAS therapist Elizabeth Alderson back to explore whether domestic violence, and all abuse, can be a cause of depression. Research shows that victims of domestic violence or abuse are at a significantly higher risk of experiencing a range of mental health conditions including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and thoughts of suicide. The likelihood of developing depression was 2.7 times greater, anxiety four times greater, and drug and alcohol misuse six times greater. The likelihood of having suicidal thoughts was 3.5 times greater for women who had experienced domestic violence than those who hadn’t. —————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

9 Joulu 202031min

How Does Domestic Violence Affect the Brain?

How Does Domestic Violence Affect the Brain?

Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.​ How does domestic violence affect the brain? What kind of damage does abuse have on one of our most important organs? And how can we recover? DASAS therapist and licensed social worker Elizabeth Alderson talks with host Claudia Pahls about the effects of domestic abuse on our brains. ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

2 Joulu 202032min

Author Newton Matos - Deep Down: Delivered From a Dark Past

Author Newton Matos - Deep Down: Delivered From a Dark Past

Newton Matos escaped a truly harrowing past - a drug-addicted mother, gang life, homelessness and a criminal record all before he turned eighteen. He joined the Navy to escape and start a new life, but the stress of combat added to his lifelong traumas. He cracked. Suicidal and suffering from the worst case of PTSD diagnosed by Navy and civilian doctors, Newton began therapy and his life began to change. His memoir, Deep Down: Delivered From a Dark Past is his personal account of his healing and ultimate victory over an unimaginable past. It's a testament to the power of survival. Newton shares his story on this episode of I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship. ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

25 Marras 202031min

How to Deal with Toxic Family Members

How to Deal with Toxic Family Members

What do you do when there's an abusive person in your family? How do you deal with toxic family members? In this episode, Director of Advocacy Services Deborah Hackworth joins Dan Moyle to talk about how to deal with family members who show abusive behavior or who exhibit toxic behavior. ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

18 Marras 202025min

Survivor Story - Successful CEO and Podcaster Laura Owens Shares Her Story to Inspire and Encourage

Survivor Story - Successful CEO and Podcaster Laura Owens Shares Her Story to Inspire and Encourage

On this episode, Laura Owens, co-host of the #8 ranked All-Time Bestselling Entrepreneurship show on Apple Podcast Nobody Told Me!, joins Dan to share her survivor story."Ironically, Nobody Told Me! was created at the darkest time of my life," Laura says. "I was desperate to hear inspirational stories from other people."Laura asked to share her story with you, our listeners, to help break the stigma about this public health crisis that plagues every corner of our society and does not discriminate."I want to share the power of random acts of kindness, because it was the random act of kindness from a stranger that was the catalyst for my leaving the abusive relationship I was in. What that kind stranger did for me, I want to do for others. I also want to remind women to check in on their friends, even if they look like they're living the perfect life on instagram. When I was at my all time low, you would never have been able to tell. Maybe taking small steps, like simply supporting each other is the key."———————————If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

11 Marras 202042min

Empowering Women to Heal Through Sharing Their Stories with Author of #SheWins Alisa Divine

Empowering Women to Heal Through Sharing Their Stories with Author of #SheWins Alisa Divine

For the last decade, Alisa Divine has supported women in feeling empowered. She founded The More Than Beautiful Project™, mentors women, and wrote #SheWins: Harrowing Stories From Women Who Survived Domestic Abuse. Her book captures and shares the irrepressible spirit of survivors, through portraiture and stories. She is also  the co-author of Killing Kate and Vice President of a publishing company, Personal Power Press, providing a platform for individuals to publish their stories, turn their pain into power and obstacles in opportunities, and inspire others. Alisa joins Dan to discuss her journey, her writing and her mission to empower women. ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

4 Marras 202032min

Survivor Story - Why September Burton Blamed Herself for Her Abuse

Survivor Story - Why September Burton Blamed Herself for Her Abuse

September Burton is a survivor who believed her story to be unique. She believed, "It must be my fault that I was being abused and that if only I were better, smarter, skinnier, quieter, wealthier..." She believed if she could live up to a certain standard then he would stop abusing her and they could be happy together. She told us that because of podcasts like ours and books that brave women have written out that she eventually came to realize that her story is not unique and that there are people suffering who need to hear from those of who have been there and who have survived, healed, and overcome. Part of September's healing journey is sharing her story; a story of severe emotional and psychological abuse, as well as physical abuse by “the nicest guy you’ll ever meet." In her story she shares that her abuser is an attorney and stalked her in a way where the law couldn’t touch him. He took everything: her children, home, cars, career and her world because "I saw behind the mask he wears." September went on a healing journey and rebuilt her life. Now she speaks to empower. ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

28 Loka 202044min

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