To the Male Victims of Domestic Violence

To the Male Victims of Domestic Violence

Men aren’t the problem. But men are the solution.

I didn’t fully understand this statement before getting involved with Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services. But my time in the recording booth with our podcast team has opened my eyes to so much.

First, it’s normal to talk about victims with female pronouns because so many domestic violence victims we see are women, and their assailants, men.

But we know that victims aren’t only women. Men are victims, too. At the hands of both female and male abusers.

Secondly, through interviews with survivors and experts in this organization, I’ve learned that as a man, I don’t need to feel shunned because so often it’s my gender who’s violent. This isn’t an organization or a movement that’s against men. Organizations like DASAS are here to support men, just as we support women.

We want to put a stop to intimate partner violence by shining a light on it. It’s not okay to take the power away from a partner or other relationship. It’s not manly to control others.

I want to speak to the men here tonight. If you’re a man in an abusive relationship, it’s important to know that you’re not alone. Abuse of men happens far more often than you might expect—in both heterosexual and same sex relationships. It happens to men from all cultures and all walks of life regardless of age or occupation. However, men are often reluctant to report abuse because they feel embarrassed, fear they won’t be believed, or are scared that their partner will take revenge.

Domestic violence against men can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. Abusive relationships always involve an imbalance of power and control. An abuser uses intimidating, hurtful words and behaviors to control his or her partner.

It might not be easy to recognize domestic violence against men. Early in the relationship, your partner might seem attentive, generous and protective in ways that later turn out to be controlling and frightening.

You might be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:

  • Calls you names, insults you or puts you down

  • Prevents you from going to work or school

  • Stops you from seeing family or friends

  • Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear

  • Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful

  • Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs

  • Threatens you with violence or a weapon

  • Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you physically, your children or your pets

  • Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will

  • Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

Please. Don't take the blame.

You may not be sure whether you're the victim or the abuser. It's common for survivors of domestic violence to act out verbally or physically against the abuser, yelling, pushing or hitting him or her during conflicts. The abuser may use such incidents to manipulate you, describing them as proof that you are the abusive partner.

You may have developed unhealthy behaviors. Many survivors do. That doesn't mean you are at fault for the abuse.

If you're having trouble identifying what's happening, take a step back and look at larger patterns in your relationship. Then, review the signs of domestic violence. In an abusive relationship, the person who routinely uses these behaviors is the abuser. The person on the receiving end is being abused.

Even if you're still not sure, seek help. Intimate partner violence causes physical and emotional damage — no matter who is at fault.

If you’re gay, bisexual, or transgender, you can experience domestic violence and abuse if you’re in a relationship with someone who:

  • Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues, or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity

  • Tells you that authorities won’t help a gay, bisexual, or transgender person

  • Tells you that leaving the relationship means you’re admitting that gay, bisexual, or transgender relationships are deviant

  • Justifies abuse by telling you that you’re not “really” gay, bisexual, or transgender

  • Says that men are naturally violent

Regardless of gender, ending a relationship, even an abusive one, is rarely easy. It becomes even harder if you’ve been isolated from friends and family, threatened, manipulated, and controlled, or physically and emotionally beaten down.

You may feel that you have to stay in the relationship due to any of these reasons:

  • You feel ashamed. Many men feel great shame that they’ve been abused, been unable to stand up for themselves, or somehow failed in their role as a male, husband, or father.

  • Your religious beliefs dictate that you stay or your self-worth is so low that you feel this abusive relationship is all you deserve.

  • There’s a lack of resources. Many men worry they’ll have difficulty being believed by the authorities, or that their abuse will be minimized because they’re male, or find there are few resources to specifically help abused men.

  • You’re in a same sex relationship but haven’t come out to family or friends, and are afraid your partner will out you.

  • You’re in denial. Just as with female domestic violence victims, denying that there is a problem in your relationship will only prolong the abuse. You may still love your partner when they’re not being abusive and believe that they will change or that you can help them. But change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for their behavior and seeks professional treatment.

  • You want to protect your children. You worry that if you leave, your spouse will harm your children or prevent you from having access to them. Obtaining custody of children is always challenging for fathers, but even if you are confident that you can do so, you may still feel overwhelmed at the prospect of raising them alone.

If these sound familiar, you are not alone. We see you.

Domestic violence and abuse can have a serious physical and psychological impact. The first step to protecting yourself and stopping the abuse is to reach out. Talk to a friend, family member, or someone else you trust, or call a domestic violence helpline.

Admitting the problem and seeking help does not mean you have failed as a man or as a husband. You are not to blame, and you are not weak. As well as offering a sense of relief and providing some much-needed support, sharing details of your abuse can also be the first step in building a case against your abuser.

If you’re looking for help and need advice or advocacy, I want to encourage you to call 911 if it’s an emergency. Then, please reach out to DASAS. We’re here to help.

Our 24 hour hotline is 800-828-2023 and our website is dasas-mi-dot-org.

Domestic violence against men can have devastating effects. Although you may not be able to stop your partner's abusive behavior, you can seek help. Remember, no one deserves to be abused.

I encourage everyone to listen to our podcast, I’m Not In An Abusive Relationship, for hope, insight and encouragement.

Thank you for being here tonight.

If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources. I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.

Jaksot(121)

You're Not Crazy; You Were Abused

You're Not Crazy; You Were Abused

Many survivors look back on an abusive relationship, domestic and sexual abuse alike, and ask some variation of "Am I crazy? Was I really abused?" This can come up because the abusive person may call their reality and their sanity into question. It may come up because their abuse doesn't look like what they thought abuse would look like, or wasn't as "severe" as someone else's journey. This question comes for many reasons. If you've asked this, then this episode is for you. ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

21 Loka 202023min

Remember My Name - 2020 Domestic Violence In Memoriam

Remember My Name - 2020 Domestic Violence In Memoriam

At domestic violence vigils across the country, we remember those who did not survive their fight for life. These are the names of the victims of domestic violence in southwest Michigan for the 2019 Domestic Violence Awareness vigils. The names included on this list are those of women, children, and men who died starting in 1971 through this year.  The women, children, and men listed all died because of the determination and desperation of one individual to maintain power and control over another.  Please help us remember those whose lives were taken and to emphasize the need for continued efforts to stop domestic and sexual violence. ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

14 Loka 202017min

Frequently Asked Questions: Where was God When I was Being Abused?

Frequently Asked Questions: Where was God When I was Being Abused?

Whether you're a person of faith or not, going through abuse often brings up the question, "Where was God when I was being abused?" It's a big question and one the staff and volunteers at DASAS have heard over the years. In this episode, Claudia conducts a panel with Krista DeBoer, Elizabeth Alderson and Ellen Higgins. While DASAS is not a faith-based organization and we turn no one away because of their beliefs, many of us in the organization bring some kind of faith to our work. This question hits us all deeply and in different ways. We hope this vulnerable conversation helps you confront those questions and those feelings. ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

7 Loka 202033min

Survivor Story - Tracey Shares Her Story of Surviving Spiritual Abuse

Survivor Story - Tracey Shares Her Story of Surviving Spiritual Abuse

What is spiritual abuse? Spiritual abuse (or religious abuse) is abuse administered under the guise of faith or religion. This can include harassment or humiliation, which may result in psychological trauma. Spiritual abuse may also include misuse of religion for selfish, secular, or ideological ends such as the abuse of a clerical position. It is weaponizing faith to exercise power and control over another person, usually from a position of power or leadership. Tracey is a survivor of spiritual abuse. On this episode she shares her story, red flags to look out for and her story on her escape from abuse, her healing and even forgiveness for those who subjected her to this spiritual abuse. Spiritual abuse is not limited to a certain religion or denomination. Any person, of any belief system, is capable of perpetrating spiritual abuse, just as anyone can be the victim of it. Signs of spiritual abuse between intimate partners include when an abusive partner: ridicules or insults the other person’s religious or spiritual beliefs prevents the other partner from practicing their religious or spiritual beliefs uses their partner’s religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or shame them forces the children to be raised in a faith that the other partner has not agreed to uses religious texts or beliefs to minimize or rationalize abusive behaviors (such as physical, financial, emotional or sexual abuse/marital rape) Spiritual abuse is no less harmful or difficult to endure than any other kind of abuse, as a person’s spiritual life is deeply personal. However, it can be very difficult to identify, as many victims may not recognize they are being abused. In addition, the abusive partner may claim that any challenge to the abuse is an assault on their own religious freedom. Regardless of either partner’s religious or spiritual beliefs, abuse of any kind is never acceptable or justified. ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

30 Syys 202035min

Attorney Elizabeth McCree - Representing Young Victims of Abuse

Attorney Elizabeth McCree - Representing Young Victims of Abuse

Attorney Elizabeth McCree, of Benton Harbor, Michigan, fiercely defends children in the court system. She fights for their rights in many areas, including abuse cases. She joins Dan to talk about what it means to be a guardian ad litem, how we can help and much more. Read the Benton-Michiana Spirit article here that inspired the discussion. ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

23 Syys 202043min

Survivor Story - Kevin McNeil Uses His Own Trauma to Educate and Empower

Survivor Story - Kevin McNeil Uses His Own Trauma to Educate and Empower

Detective Kevin McNeil is a twenty-year veteran who spent twelve years of his career investigating child abuse cases. He also happens to be a survivor of sexual abuse. In this episode Kevin shares his survivor story, his career in the Special Victims Unit and his other work. Kevin also created The Twelve Project to be the bridge between the lack of knowledge and awareness about abuse and people’s desire to learn. He provides resources with the aim of healing and teaching individuals, families, and communities. The Twelve Project is a safe place where people can learn about abuse 24/7. Kevin on Instagram Kevin on Amazon The 12 Project ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

16 Syys 202051min

Abuse in the News - Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell and Sex Trafficking

Abuse in the News - Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell and Sex Trafficking

Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell made headlines with accusations of sex trafficking. They're accused of providing high-profile people, including world leaders, with access to young women and children in their teens. Epstein died in jail, while Maxwell is still in custody. This brought about a discussion with the podcast panel including Krista DeBoer, Elizabeth Alderson, Claudia Pahls and Dan Moyle. ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

9 Syys 202023min

Survivor Story - Tiauna Turns Abuse into Beautiful Music

Survivor Story - Tiauna Turns Abuse into Beautiful Music

A survivor of abuse, Tiauna has turned tragedy into triumph. She's a successful coach, she's finding continuous healing and she's exploring new challenges. Recently she took a songwriting class. The end assignment was to write a song. So she did, performing it on Facebook for the world to hear. "Rewind" tells the story of her abusive relationship and hits the heart. Listen to her conversation with Dan about the healing power of music and more, plus catch the full song at the end of the episode. ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

2 Syys 202043min

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