To the Male Victims of Domestic Violence

In this episode, producer Dan Moyle interviews Steven Wolhandler, author of How to Protect Yourself from Emotional Predators. Steven knows how abusive and manipulative people prey on the emotions of good people - and how good people can protect themselves. He offers a radically different view of these Emotional Predators and provides practical effective solutions. For Emotional Predators, he says, "Life is a strategy game to dominate and control, and you are either a player to be defeated or a game piece to be used. Without empathy or remorse, they’ll ruin your life, and traditional approaches will make things worse." If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

6 Touko 202047min

The benefits to therapy are many. In this episode, DASAS therapists Krista DeBoer, Elizabeth Alderson and child advocate Toriann Lawrence unpack how therapy helps sexual assault and domestic violence survivors. If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

29 Huhti 202019min

We've explored the dark world of human trafficking in a previous episode. Now we're helping connect how human trafficking and domestic violence intersect. Rita O'Brien, working on a Master's Degree in social work & intern at DASAS and Elizabeth Alderson, therapist at DASAS uncover how these worlds connect. If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

22 Huhti 202019min

Sports help young people develop life skills,  have amazing experiences and stay healthy. Unfortunately, it's also a place where abuse happens. What do you do when sexual abuse happens in your child's world of their favorite sport? What about as an adult? And what can you look for as warning signs? Krista DeBoer, Sexual Assault Therapist at DASAS, and Dani Filipek, Sexual Assault Advocate at DASAS join Claudia Pahls to tackle this difficult subject. If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

15 Huhti 202035min

One year. 52 episodes. Nearly 30,000 downloads. 50 states + 61 countries. It's been quite a journey. Join host Claudia Pahls, Producers Dan Moyle and Deborah Hackworth and DASAS guest Krista DeBoer for a retrospective on the first year of I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship. If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

8 Huhti 202045min

Sexual Assault Awareness Month 2020 begins with a Survivor Story. Hannah submitted her story to Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services and approved a reading of the story. Producer Dan Moyle reads the account. Interim Executive Director (who is also our Director of Advocacy Services) Deborah Hackworth and Sexual Assault Therapist Krista DeBoer discuss the story to help us find hope and insight. Hannah's Story: Did he always intend to go that far? Why me? Was I an easy target? Is it my fault? These questions no longer haunt me, but they still exist. I was a 13 year old girl in seventh grade just trying to survive mean girls, figuring out my body, and thinking about boys. The usual 13 year old girl stuff. I remember feeling innocent amongst my friends. They all had siblings a few years older so they were all well versed in things 13 year olds should not be talking about. But there I was an insider yet still somehow an outsider. Seventh grade was going as normal as seventh grade could go until my friends cousin started to take notice of me. I was 13 and he was 19. He was a senior in high school and talked to his cousin at least once a week at school. I was with her the last time they had spoken in the halls and from that point on he acknowledged me. It started with a quick hello or a wink as I walked by. I was 13 and a boy was being kind to me, I was flattered. He started to come into my classroom as the teacher’s assistant. His behavior became more flirtatious, he started hugging me and touching my arm or back if we walked by one another. I thought nothing of it other then I cannot believe this cute older guy is being so sweet to me. I remember sitting in class when one of the guys in the 8 th grade came in. He walked right up to me and said, “I was just with BLANK and he said if you were older he would totally F you.” I honestly did not know what to say at that point. I was no longer flattered but my best friend was standing right next to me and bumped my side and smiled at me like I should be excited. It made me feel uncomfortable but I didn’t feel like I could say anything. I did think it was weird that he would say that and at that point I had never had sex; I had never done anything. I just moved on from that particular statement and pretended it did not happen plus what was anyone going to do about him saying it? Things continued on. He continued to come into our gym time after lunch, taking pictures with me, flirting in the halls and so on. The end of the school year was nearing and he was getting ready to graduate. It was my friends birthday and she was having a party at her house. I figured he would be there just because of the family relation and because I might go. I knew my mom would never let me go because this particular friend had zero supervision at her house but I had planned to sneak out. I was honestly sick about the thought of doing that. I was not thinking about the consequences and I truly did not want to but I thought I was missing out on something. The night came to my friend’s birthday party and of course my mom said no. My friend and I communicated to when and how he could come pick me up for the party. I put my pink princess robe over my clothes and waited until my parents were asleep. I heard him honk as he went by and I knew it was time to sneak out. I got out of the house easily and quickly. Again, I was literally sick. I threw up 3 times that night just because I was so nervous. We got to the party successfully and all I could do was sit there and act as though I was enjoying myself. The party was a party. I found out after getting there not only was this my friend’s birthday but it was also HIS birthday. Why he would want to spend his birthday with a bunch of 13 yr olds is beyond me, well it was until later. Most of our friends left and it was just me, him, and his cousin (my friend). We ended up leaving to go to his friend’s house for a little then coming back. She fell asleep on the couch and I was watching t.v. on the other couch. I could not sleep. I just wanted to go home; I knew I screwed up coming to the party. He came from the hallway and gestured me to follow him. I was scared and nervous but I got up and followed him into my friend’s bedroom. I honestly did not know what was going to happen. I was 13. Fight, flight, or freeze. I froze. I cried. I did not move. I stared at the ceiling, unable to react to anything. Half way through the rape, tears streaming down my face, he said, “Are you okay?” ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! I KNOW YOU CAN FEEL MY SHAKING BODY AND HEAR ME CRYING, YOU KNOW I AM NOT OKAY!!!! I don’t remember making it back to the couch but I did somehow. I fell asleep and woke up to my parents screaming at me because I had never come home and they figured out I had snuck out to my friend’s. I was grounded forever and they questioned him about why he would ever pick up a 13 yr old girl. They never called the police though. At the time I was glad but now I wish they would have. After I returned to school everyone knew what happened and then I heard that he had told everyone we had sex. HE TOLD EVERYONE WE HAD SEX. CONSENSUAL SEX. It ruined my reputation. I was called every name in the book and everyone looked at me differently from that moment on. For the next 7 years. Yes 7 years, I was suicidal, depressed, anxiety ridden, and I went from being a virgin to sleeping around. My ability to say no was taken away from me. I lost my voice. I started letting people walk all over me and using me. I was so angry and I could not express why. I became mean. I entered into a teen dating violence relationship that left me with a broken rib and heart thus creating in me more unhealthy habits. I had the most distorted view of what love was. I had no idea who I was and I didn’t know how to fix anything. I did find healing, grace, forgiveness, and my voice. My healing started with forgiveness. I forgave him and all those that perpetuated his consensual sex story and I forgave myself. I know that my healing had to start with forgiveness. At some point I had to stop being what happened to me and blaming others for my choices. I had to let it all go so God could piece me back together and help me find my voice in a healthy way. I am still healing and I always will be but it is part of the process. What happened will never un-happen but it does not have to run my life. I also forgave my parents. A part of me always blamed them because I thought they knew what happened but when I finally told my mom and dad at age 27 I realized through their brokenness that they truly had no idea. I had been holding resentment toward them for 14 years and I was freed from that 7 years after I started my healing process. As I stated before healing is a process. Something I have to point out in all of this is the grooming. He groomed me from the moment he saw me to the night that it happened. He knew what he was doing and what the outcome would be for him. I used to blame myself for sneaking out that night and I questioned whether or not if he really knew what he had done. He did, he just did not care and it was not my fault. Also, I knew something was not right from the beginning but I ignored it. Even at 13 I knew it was wrong, trust that feeling when you get it. You are most likely right. Again, please remember that healing is always possible, there is someone out there that cares deeply for you and your scars, and what happened to you is not your fault. If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

1 Huhti 202031min

While much of the world is staying home, domestic violence victims find themselves trapped with their abuser. While COVID19 and the current quarantine won't create abusers, it does exacerbate the potential abuse in domestic violence situations. If you find yourself in need, call you local shelter or abuse hotline - DASAS is 1-800-828-2023. Safety planning: Safety During an Argument Stay in an area with an exit and avoid letting the other person get between you and the exit. Practice getting out of your home safely. Avoid rooms with weapons, such as the kitchen. Have emergency 911 phones hidden throughout the home. Tell trustworthy neighbors about the violence. Ask them to call the police if they hear or see any disturbance. Devise a code word or signal to use with your children, family, friends, and trustworthy neighbors when you need the police. Trust your instincts and judgment. You have the right to protect yourself until you are out of danger. Safety When Preparing to Leave Establish your independence. Open savings and credit card accounts in your name only and specifically instruct institutions that your partner is not to have access. Leave money, extra keys, copies of important documents, extra medicine and clothes with someone you trust so you can leave quickly. Determine safe people you can stay with and plan leaving with. Review and rehearse your safety plan. Keep a packed bag at a trusted relative’s or friend’s home. Plan where you will go if you have to leave. Safety in Your Own Home Change the locks on your doors. (Landlords are legally obligated to change locks within 24 hrs if you are experiencing DV). Install locks on your windows. (Renters check with your landlord first.) Discuss and practice a safety plan with your children for when you are not with them. Inform your children’s schools or caregivers who has permission to pick up your children. Inform neighbors and landlord that your partner no longer lives with you and to call the police if they see him or her near your home. Safety with a Restraining Order Keep your protective order on you at all times, and give a copy to a trusted neighbor, friend or family member. Call the police if your abuser violates the protective order. Think of alternative ways to keep safe if the police do not respond right away. Inform family, friends, neighbors and health care providers that you have a restraining order in effect. Your Safety and Emotional Health Identify who you can rely on for emotional support and call our Crisis Line at 503-469- 8620 or toll free 1-866- 469-8600. If you have to communicate with your abuser, determine the safest way to do so and avoid being alone with them. Advocate for yourself and your needs. Find people and resources you can safely and openly talk to and ask for help. You are not alone, and you do not have to go through this by yourself. Look into counseling and support groups that directly address your experiences and needs. Find ways to care for yourself: exercise, make time to relax, create a safe environment, do things you enjoy, get as much support as you can. Checklist: What You Should Take When You Leave Legal Papers Restraining order/stalking order Lease, rental agreement, house deed Car registration Health and life insurance cards Divorce papers Custody papers Other House and car keys Medications Valuables, photos, etc. Address book Phone card/safety cell phone Clothes, blankets, small toys for children Clothes, hygiene necessities, etc. for yourself Identification Driver’s license Children’s birth certificates Social security card Self-sufficiency/disability identification Papers Medical records for you and your children Work permits/green card VISA Download a safety plan here. If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

25 Maalis 202023min

Rita O'Brien, a DASAS intern working on her Masters Degree in social work at Western Michigan University, joins Claudia to discuss what human trafficking is and how it impacts our community. Human trafficking involves the use of force, fraud, or coercion to obtain some type of labor or commercial sex act. Every year, millions of men, women, and children are trafficked worldwide – including right here in the United States. It can happen in any community and victims can be any age, race, gender, or nationality. Traffickers might use violence, manipulation, or false promises of well-paying jobs or romantic relationships to lure victims into trafficking situations. Language barriers, fear of their traffickers, and/or fear of law enforcement frequently keep victims from seeking help, making human trafficking a hidden crime. To report suspected human trafficking to Federal law enforcement: 1-866-347-2423 To get help from the National Human Trafficking Hotline: 1-888-373-7888 or text HELP or INFO to BeFree (233733) If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

18 Maalis 202015min