How to Stop the Shame Spiral

When you make a mistake you have two choices. Knowing the difference between shame and guilt can change your life. Let’s say you hurt someone you really care about. Guilt says “What I did was wrong. I made a mistake.” Shame says “I am a mistake. There’s something wrong with me.”

Is shame ruining your life? Is shame ruining your relationships? Do you feel like you’re a piece of crap? Do you feel broken when you mess up? Shame leads to defensiveness, trying to cover up what you’ve done, or just giving up.

Brene Brown teaches how shame ruins relationships, but in this video I go into detail. Shame is a very subtle form of avoidance. It’s your super smart brain trying to squirm it’s way out of responsibility by saying that you had no choice because you’re just a bad person.

But shame is a lie. It’s a distortion. Shame can lead to self-punishment, withdrawal, blowing up relationships, and destructive behaviors like drug use. On the other hand, guilt - I’m not talking about exaggerated guilt due to impossible standards - but honest guilt can actually help improve relationships. For an addict in recovery, feeling guilt can be a sign that you’re going through a healthy recovery process by owning your behaviors and trying to change them.

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Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.

In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction. And deeper than all of that, the Gospel of Jesus Christ orients my personal worldview and sense of security, peace, hope, and love https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/comeuntochrist/believe

If you are in crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or your local emergency services.

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