#248 - How to Forgive Yourself

There are few things more frustrating than trying to figure out how to deal with a defensive partner. You just want them to understand how you feel and what you need, but they’re too busy defending themselves to truly listen.  Unfortunately, defensive reactions can make it difficult to have constructive conversations. Without good communication, the systems for resolving problems in relationships begin to break down — and that’s when your relationship gets in serious trouble. The good news: There are so many actionable strategies that work to create positive change in this dynamic. With new skills and a different perspective, you can overcome defensiveness and restore healthy communication. That's what you'll learn in today's episode! I hope you’ll join me.  With love,  Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby growingself.com P.S. — For more advice on helping each other feel seen, heard, and understood, check out our “Communication that Connects” collection of articles and podcasts.

24 Huhti 20231h 8min

If you’re like most people, you're so often in your head that you feel disconnected from your life. When our minds are racing, or we're constantly distracted by, well, everything, we miss out on the best parts of our life, and our relationships. But: you can learn how to be more present, and it doesn't involve an hour a day on a meditation pillow. In fact, your senses are powerful tools for returning to the present moment and appreciating it fully, and this episode is all about how to use them. My guest is Gretchen Rubin, the author of several New York Times bestselling books on happiness and human nature and host of the “Happier with Gretchen Rubin” podcast. She is here to teach your what she learned about how to be more present, so you can learn how to get out of your head, and back into your life. I hope you’ll join us!   xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby GrowingSelf.com

17 Huhti 20231h 6min

Wouldn’t it be cool if you could just stop caring what people think?    Imagine how confident you would feel if criticism bounced off your psyche like pebbles off a suit of armor. Imagine all the mental and emotional energy you could free up if other people’s opinions stopped taking up space in your head. The fear of judgment or rejection would no longer be a concern for you. You’d be an unstoppable force, ready to conquer the world!    Of course, not caring at all about other people’s thoughts isn’t a goal you’re likely to achieve. And you wouldn’t really want to — having some sensitivity to how other people think and feel is a prerequisite for having healthy relationships. But we all need to strike a balance between concerning ourselves with what other people think, and using our own internal wisdom to tell us who we are, what’s important to us, and how we want to spend our limited time on Earth.    To strike this balance, you need to learn how to rely less on external validation. You must know how to validate yourself, so you can feel good about who you are and confident living your life based on your own values and priorities, no matter what’s going on in other people’s minds. If you struggle to validate yourself, learning how to do so may be the most important step you ever take along your journey of personal growth.    This is the kind of work that can take months or even years of therapy, but this podcast will give you some ideas about where to begin. I hope it helps you think about some areas where you might be relying a little too much on external validation, and how you can begin to shift that.    xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby   P.S. — I’ve created a library of related content, all about how you can become the best version of you. For more podcast episodes and articles, check out our “personal growth” collection.

10 Huhti 20231h

Why are people with anxious attachment styles and avoidant attachment styles drawn to each other? Can anxious-avoidant relationships work, and most importantly, can they be healthy and satisfying? Yes, they can. But the key is through your understanding of yourself, and of your partner. When you develop true understanding and empathy for your differences, you can create profound connection, and a genuinely secure and healing relationship for both of you.   This episode is going to show you how. If you’re in an anxious-avoidant relationship, or have been in one before, I hope it helps you understand these dynamics from a new perspective, and empowers you to move toward greater connection and security.   xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby GrowingSelf.com   P.S. — For more free  advice about how to develop secure relationships (with yourself and others), check out my “healthy relationships” collection.

3 Huhti 20231h 2min

Do you ever wonder why some people bounce back quickly from anything life throws at them, while others struggle mightily to get back to baseline, even after minor setbacks? The difference is resilience. Today, you'll learn about the nature of resilience, and how you can build the “protective factors” into your life that will help you manage stress, recover from difficult experiences, and adapt to change — so you can thrive no matter what life throws at you. Here's to growth, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby GrowingSelf.com   P.S. — I have a library of free content available for you on becoming more resilient. Check out my “emotional wellness” collection of articles and podcasts.

27 Maalis 202357min

Many people find meaning, comfort, and connection through religion or a spiritual practice. But it’s also not uncommon to have negative religious experiences that can complicate your relationship with spirituality.    As kids, we all need to be encouraged and affirmed as we explore our identities and develop into our true selves. Unfortunately, many of us are subjected to guilt, shame, and pressure to conform with belief systems that aren’t authentically ours. Some children receive the message that if they think or act in ways that don’t match up with these belief systems, they’re bad people, unworthy of love within their families and communities. Some even experience physical or sexual abuse at the hands of religious leaders, which is a profoundly traumatic betrayal that leaves a painful and enduring scar.    If you’re interested in cultivating emotionally healthy spirituality in your life, especially after a negative religious experience, this episode is for you. I’m joined by my colleague Jennifer C., a therapist and life coach on our team at Growing Self. One of Jennifer’s many specialties is helping clients explore big, existential inquiries — and arrive at their own answers through a process of meaningful self-discovery.    I hope you’ll tune in.    With love,    Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby growingself.com   P.S. — For more information on building an emotionally healthy life, check out our “emotional wellness” collection of articles and podcasts.

20 Maalis 202350min

Do you feel like your partner shuts you down or tells you whatever you want to hear in order to stop a conversation that makes them feel [anxious / tense / criticized / fill in the blank] even though that is not your intention? Or do you get emotionally flooded even *thinking* about having an honest conversation about something that is really bothering you because you worry will lead to upset feelings?  My friend: No matter what side of this you're on, this episode is for you!  If you or your partner have a tendency to  avoid conflict in your relationship, this episode will help you explore why that is, why it’s a problem, and what you can do about it. This one is important: unresolved conflict can be very damaging to relationships in the long term, and learning how to have those courageous conversations is the answer to keeping your relationship healthy and strong.   Join me! With love,  Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby GrowingSelf.com PS — You can find more advice on building the skills to keep your relationship healthy and strong in my “Communication that Connects” collection of articles and podcasts.

13 Maalis 20231h 6min

Having a child is one of the coolest, most meaningful experiences a human being can have. It’s also a mind-blowingly huge responsibility. How can you decide if you want to become a parent? And if that is your heart’s desire, how can you know when you’re ready for a baby?    As a longtime marriage and family therapist, I know that many individuals and couples can remain stuck at this particular crossroads for years. It’s one thing to want a baby, but getting all of the pieces in order to make that dream a reality can be complicated. Not to mention all of the uncertainty and anxiety you may feel about this decision if you’re not sure whether you want kids (but you hear the ticking of the biological clock regardless).    If you are contemplating parenthood in the near future, this episode of the podcast will help you find clarity about your next steps. It’s a conversation between myself and my fellow Growing Self marriage counselor Brittany S., M.A., LMFT. Brittany has coached and counseled many parents and prospective parents along the journey of building a family, and today she’s sharing her guidance with you.    I hope you’ll join us.    Xoxo,    Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby growingself.com  P.S. — I’ve created dozens of free resources that you may find helpful. You can find them in our “Happy Family” collection of articles and podcasts.

6 Maalis 202347min