67: Bad Things to Call Your Mother (The Book of Bartholomew)
Apocrypals28 Kesä 2020

67: Bad Things to Call Your Mother (The Book of Bartholomew)

Having a bad day, Theophiloi? I mean, yes, of course you are, we all are in These Unprecedented Times. But hey, let's look on the bright side! At least angels aren't poking out your eyes, cutting out your tongue, and breaking your tablet, like they did with Judas. That's what Bartholomew told us, anyway, and believe it or not, it's nowhere near the weirdest beef in his eponymously apocryphal Book Of. Join us as Death and all his kids get thoroughly dunked on and Mary gets called some uniquely unflattering things that we're pretty sure are supposed to be good. Also, if angels actually are cutting out your tongue, uh, we apologize. Listen anyway.

Topics of discussion: Benito gets raw, a correction of a total scrub mistake, Quebecusses, a Lazy Jesus, a weird bosom, Apa Ananias (he a freak), Death's Alfred, thirty snakes, Whomst Was At The Tombst Part Twost, Pharka Marimath, the begonia virgins, our good new greeting card business idea, Adam and Eve's improbable and incompatible heights, the Mystery Husband, a very good plan for rebuilding the Church via tendies.

Hymnal: "Judas" by Fozzy, "Papparazi" by D.R. Luft ( https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQNN_yCiQPu7N22ubjw3bHw )

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Amos 5:24.

Jaksot(126)

45:  Mummy Dust and Skeleton Bones (The Book of Ruth)

45: Mummy Dust and Skeleton Bones (The Book of Ruth)

Hey Theophiloi, good news/bad news. About eight minutes into the recording, Chris's Good Microphone stopped working and so we did an hour of the show with Chris sounding like he was trapped in a hole....

14 Heinä 20191h 13min

44: Terms and Conditions (The Book of Jeremiah, Part 2)

44: Terms and Conditions (The Book of Jeremiah, Part 2)

The boys are back in town, Theophiloi, and we've got some breaking news: it seems the Kingdom of Judah has broken its covenant with the Lord of Hosts and will be punished with sword, famine, and plagu...

23 Kesä 20191h 27min

43: Why Prophets So Nasty? (The Book of Jeremiah)

43: Why Prophets So Nasty? (The Book of Jeremiah)

Well, Theophiloi, it's been a hot minute, but we're back once again with the first half of Jeremiah, which is both the longest book in Bible and also the most unnecessarily long. Here, we'll save you ...

27 Touko 20191h 10min

42: The Roasting of the Apostle Paul (Second Corinthians)

42: The Roasting of the Apostle Paul (Second Corinthians)

Hello, Theophiloi and Cheerful Givers! Looking for a nice way to relax, chill out, and maybe even fall asleep? Good news: we've got the book for you. Our old nemesis St. Paul is back with a second let...

7 Touko 20191h 8min

41: Neo-Mary Is About To E X P L O D E (The Questions of Bartholomew)

41: Neo-Mary Is About To E X P L O D E (The Questions of Bartholomew)

Happy Easter, Theophiloi! He is risen indeed! It's definitely still Easter, so we're back with the Questions of Bartholomew, and friends, let me tell you: he is not the only one with some questions. J...

30 Huhti 20191h 23min

40: Devil Got a Hog (The Book of Enoch, Part Two)

40: Devil Got a Hog (The Book of Enoch, Part Two)

Happy Holy Week, Theophiloi! If you're like your humble Son of Thunder and his friend the Author of All Lies, you have a keen interest in space. If that's the case, then you're going to love learning ...

19 Huhti 20191h 24min

39: Rain is Boy Water (The Book of Enoch, Part One)

39: Rain is Boy Water (The Book of Enoch, Part One)

Happy Apocryphersary, Theophiloi! To celebrate one year of the show, we're launching into one of our most requested texts: the apocalyptic, hallucinatory, and profoundly influential Book of Enoch. Wri...

7 Huhti 20191h 31min

38: Sword Drill Online (Bible Trivia Special)

38: Sword Drill Online (Bible Trivia Special)

Break out the birthday cake, Theophiloi, because as of this show, we've officially been at this for one full year! We're celebrating by pushing the Guessatron 5000 to its limits with a Bible Trivia Qu...

31 Maalis 20191h 5min

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