67: Bad Things to Call Your Mother (The Book of Bartholomew)
Apocrypals28 Kesä 2020

67: Bad Things to Call Your Mother (The Book of Bartholomew)

Having a bad day, Theophiloi? I mean, yes, of course you are, we all are in These Unprecedented Times. But hey, let's look on the bright side! At least angels aren't poking out your eyes, cutting out your tongue, and breaking your tablet, like they did with Judas. That's what Bartholomew told us, anyway, and believe it or not, it's nowhere near the weirdest beef in his eponymously apocryphal Book Of. Join us as Death and all his kids get thoroughly dunked on and Mary gets called some uniquely unflattering things that we're pretty sure are supposed to be good. Also, if angels actually are cutting out your tongue, uh, we apologize. Listen anyway.

Topics of discussion: Benito gets raw, a correction of a total scrub mistake, Quebecusses, a Lazy Jesus, a weird bosom, Apa Ananias (he a freak), Death's Alfred, thirty snakes, Whomst Was At The Tombst Part Twost, Pharka Marimath, the begonia virgins, our good new greeting card business idea, Adam and Eve's improbable and incompatible heights, the Mystery Husband, a very good plan for rebuilding the Church via tendies.

Hymnal: "Judas" by Fozzy, "Papparazi" by D.R. Luft ( https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQNN_yCiQPu7N22ubjw3bHw )

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Amos 5:24.

Jaksot(126)

37: Bigger Esther (The Book of Esther and Greek Esther)

37: Bigger Esther (The Book of Esther and Greek Esther)

Get ready to put on your costume, give money to the poor, and get tore up from the floor up, Theophiloi, because it's Purim time! Join us for the story of Esther, a uniquely God-free entry into Bible ...

20 Maalis 20191h 18min

36: GRAZACHAM! (The Life of St. Patrick)

36: GRAZACHAM! (The Life of St. Patrick)

Top o' the mornin' to ye, Theophiloi! In honor of his verdant feast day, we're taking a look at the life of Saint Patrick! Witness as he comes out of his cage and does just fine bringing Christianity ...

12 Maalis 20191h 34min

35: Down in the Donkey Hole (The Book of Exodus, Part Two)

35: Down in the Donkey Hole (The Book of Exodus, Part Two)

Take heed, Theophiloi, because we have some intense and highly specific requirements for your upcoming tabernacle construction this week. That's right: we've wandered out of the narrative section of E...

3 Maalis 20191h 47min

34: Thorn Bushes and Pushups (The Song of Songs)

34: Thorn Bushes and Pushups (The Song of Songs)

Happy Valentine's Day, Theophiloi, and might I just say, you're looking good today. Hair like goats, teeth like sheep, just dripping with myrrh... yes, all your parts are in very sexy condition. What'...

24 Helmi 20191h 17min

33: Thicc Darkness (The Book of Exodus, Part One)

33: Thicc Darkness (The Book of Exodus, Part One)

Get your shoes on and don't you dare leaven that bread, Theophiloi, because it's time to dive into the Book of Exodus! In this episode, we cover the first 18 chapters, including Moses's surprisingly v...

10 Helmi 20191h 33min

32: Return of the Twelve-Foot Volcel Lion (Questions & Answers)

32: Return of the Twelve-Foot Volcel Lion (Questions & Answers)

Just so you know, Theophiloi, both of us have definitely read the Book of Exodus, as planned. Definitely. Especially me. Remember Pharaoh? And how about that Moses, huh? Anyway, this week, we're takin...

3 Helmi 20191h 38min

31: Yartzed Upon a Distant Shore (The Book of Jonah)

31: Yartzed Upon a Distant Shore (The Book of Jonah)

Greetings, Theophiloi, from your ever-punctual Sons of Thunder! We're back this week to answer the question of whether we can talk for an hour about exactly four pages (and 47 verses) of Bible. It's t...

24 Tammi 20191h 12min

30: Apples and Oranges (The Legend of the Three Kings)

30: Apples and Oranges (The Legend of the Three Kings)

We're back for 2019, and on the off chance that we didn't have enough of them already, get ready for a couple new Johns. Specifically, we're celebrating Epiphany with Of Hildesheim's 14th-century book...

7 Tammi 20191h 39min

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