110:  The Beastie Boys' Worst Nightmare (The Lock-In (2014))
Apocrypals30 Loka 2023

110: The Beastie Boys' Worst Nightmare (The Lock-In (2014))

Happy Halloween, The-AHHH!-philoi! As is our tradition here on the show, we're spending the spookiest day of the year looking at texts involving haints and saints! Sort of! We're pushing the definition of "texts" and "haints" to their absolute limits by watching the 2014 evangelical horror (?) film (?), The Lock-In, in which a supervised slumber party at church becomes an existential nightmare due to the presence of a haunted adult magazine.

No, really. That's what the movie is about.

Topics of Discussion: Sex is Wacko (But Not Right Now For Teens), an empty field with fire and Danhausen, Benito: a lonely fan of corn, a bonus review of Journey to Hell (2022), Vegeta's cool shirt, approved uses of oils, puppet ministries, Nick's Mom/Atom Bomb, the purple box as metaphor, the Jared Leto of Christian Horror, the most adult magazines, The Apocrypals Solve Theodicy... Again!, a second "What the Frick?"

Hymnal: "Monster Smash" By Altégo

Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown.

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17

Jaksot(126)

61: Countless Large Gregs (The Second Book of Enoch)

61: Countless Large Gregs (The Second Book of Enoch)

Happy Apocryphersary, Theophiloi! It's our show's second approximate birthday and it also just happens to be Big Boy Season. we're celebrating both with our annual tradition of checking in with Enoch,...

5 Huhti 20201h 45min

60: Joses Crust (The Acts of Andrew and Matthias)

60: Joses Crust (The Acts of Andrew and Matthias)

We're all having an extremely normal time right now, Theophiloi, but it always pays to remember that it could be worse. You could, for example, be Andrew, first called to be a disciple of the Lord Jes...

22 Maalis 20201h 16min

59: Source of the Flow (The Book of Leviticus)

59: Source of the Flow (The Book of Leviticus)

Time to eat the vegetables, Theophiloi. After nearly two years of putting it off, we finally lay down the law with Leviticus, and scramble desperately to make a few jokes before we wind up thoroughly ...

8 Maalis 20201h 32min

58: Blaise, Your Dead Homie (The Lives of St. Sebastian, St. Blaise, and St. Agatha)

58: Blaise, Your Dead Homie (The Lives of St. Sebastian, St. Blaise, and St. Agatha)

Cough up that fishbone and tighten up your bowstrings, Theophiloi, because it's time to dive into a trio of hagiographies from our boy JDV and the Golden Legend. Join us as we commemorate February wit...

23 Helmi 20201h 49min

57: We Holy Ghost, Bro? (The Life of Xanthippe, Polyxena, and Rebecca)

57: We Holy Ghost, Bro? (The Life of Xanthippe, Polyxena, and Rebecca)

Wizards! Talking lions! Armies of demons! Dudes just straight getting wrecked in the face! Truly it can be said, Theophiloi: this one has it all. Join us as we recount the lives and conduct of the hol...

8 Helmi 20201h 37min

56: Welcome to the Bone Zone (The Book of Ezekiel, Part Two)

56: Welcome to the Bone Zone (The Book of Ezekiel, Part Two)

Welcome back, Theophiloi, to the truly disconcerting rantings of the hair-throwing, scroll-eating mad lad himself, Ezekiel! In this episode, we go to extremes, as Ezekiel offers up the most brütal hor...

26 Tammi 20201h 8min

55: The Parable of the Sexy Blood Baby (The Book of Ezekiel, Part One)

55: The Parable of the Sexy Blood Baby (The Book of Ezekiel, Part One)

Let me ask you a question, Theophiloi: why prophets so nasty? In this episode, we put our treasured No Cusses rule in the greatest danger as we dive into the violent and upsettingly horny visions of E...

12 Tammi 20201h 34min

54: Our Favorite Murders (The Infancy Gospel of Thomas)

54: Our Favorite Murders (The Infancy Gospel of Thomas)

Merry Christmas, Theophiloi! It's the most wonderful time of the year, where we gather to celebrate the birth of Jesus, which subsequently led to several horrible crimes that terrorized his hometown f...

22 Joulu 20191h 30min

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