#19: STOP Chasing Straight Men!

Over the years, I have spoken with countless men and discussed this topic and the 4 points I brought up above tend to be the most common reasons. Let's break them down:

Masculinity: For many of us, being effeminate was frowned upon by the masculine influences in our life (dad, grandpa, teacher, pastor, friends, etc.) Culturally speaking, many of were classically conditioned to place masculinity on a pedestal and to view feminine energy as negative. Allow me to clarify, I don’t mean feminine energy in women, I'm talking about in men. So, it can be second nature to be attracted to more straight presenting men. A majority of the men I have spoken to about this are "straight" presenting themselves.

Dominance: A lot of men, including myself, have fantasized about a BDSM scenario. The classic tug of war between dominance & submission. Justin Lehmiller (PhD) surveyed over 4,000 men for his book 'Tell Me What You Want' & discovered that a majority of LGBTQ+ individuals fantasized more about BDSM than "straight men." Why is this relevant? He further explains that straight men play the dominant role in a majority of the porn scenes having to do with BDSM which further contributes to the "straight fetish."

Validation: As I mentioned in my story above, I was made fun of a lot by guys when I was growing up and I discovered for myself that the driving force behind my "fantasy" was to regain some power in my life. I wanted to take back the power those guys had taken from me at a young age in order to feel "desired" or "wanted" by straight men. I wanted to be part of "the boys." I never truly realized how much this effected me growing up.

Acceptance: This touches upon the "last pick" aspect of childhood. I remember growing up I was always last to be picked for the sports teams or games because of how I was perceived by the straight guys. Granted, when I was going to elementary school, we weren't discussing sexual orientation, therefore, I just remember wanting to be accepted by a group of guys that DIDN'T want to accept me and went out of their way to reject me every chance they could. I even remember an instance where a close friend of mine at the time, was presented with the option of sticking with me or being accepted by the group of guys. Needless to say, he chose the herd. I was deeply wounded by this experience which further fueled my desire to be accepted, however, looking back as an adult… I don’t blame him.

Chapters:

Intro

00:01

What does perfection actually mean?

01:47

What about straight men do I find attractive? Unpacking the reason behind the fantasy by looking at my past

03:30

The 4 primary points that are brought up when talking about a "straight man" fantasy

10:00

The need for validation

12:38

The need for acceptance

15:48

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