Cultivating Conversational Intelligence

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00:06:44 As Stephen Covey says, seek first to understand, then to be understood.

00:10:38 The Four Types of Empathic Responses

00:16:15 What Do You Do When Things Go Right?

00:28:54 Shift responses versus Support Responses

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• Emotional intelligence is also something we do rather than something we are. Thankfully, it can be learned.

• Empathic listening is total, genuine attention to the other person and the message they are trying to convey. Set aside your own ego and perspective and become genuinely curious about someone else’s world, listening to understand rather than to respond. Be curious and receptive rather than reactive, “listening” to verbal and nonverbal signals.

• To respond empathically, acknowledge their courage, ask questions to clarify their message, convey that you care, and check in with how they’re feeling.

• Offer responses that are both active and constructive, rather than passive and destructive, to create trust and connection. Remember that your response to someone’s positive expressions is a bigger determinant of the relationship quality than how you treat them when they’re unhappy. Show genuine interest in what you’re told and match and reflect people’s emotional experiences rather than invalidating it.

• Practice offering support responses (which maintain the focus on the speaker) instead of shift responses (which shift the focus of the conversation back onto you) if you want to avoid conversational narcissism. Try not to continually center your own emotional experiences or interpret other people’s experiences through the lens of your own. Instead, see conversation as a genuine back and forth and deliberately set aside yourself to learn more about others.

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