197 I Want What They’ve Got: Feeling Envy Towards Your Partner

Envy in relationships can be sneaky. It often hides behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment, making it hard to recognize—even when we're actively looking for it!

When we feel envious of our partners, it creates a unique kind of tension. Unlike envying a metamour or someone outside your relationship, partner envy touches on deeper questions about fairness, comparison, and what we truly want. It can be particularly challenging because admitting envy means acknowledging something we lack or desire, which isn't always comfortable. But if you face it head on, partner envy can be a great opportunity for individuation and personal growth.

In this episode, we talk about:

— How envy of your partner often gets hidden behind other emotions like jealousy, anger, or disappointment

— The difference between wanting what someone has versus wanting to be what they are

— Why "fairness" alarms often trigger us to reach for things we don't actually want

— The danger of compartmentalizing when comparing ourselves to our partners

— Common scenarios where partner envy emerges, especially in newly opened relationships with desire mismatches

— How unaddressed envy quickly transforms into resentment that damages relationships

— Why partners sometimes pull back from activities to avoid triggering their partner's envy (and why this doesn't actually solve anything)

— The reality that shifting relationship paradigms typically takes 3-5 years, not the 3-5 months many people hope for

— How to dig beneath surface envy to discover what you truly want when you're envious of something you don't actually desire

— The different experiences people of different genders have on dating apps and how this creates unique envy dynamics

— Why taking a narrow view often fuels envy, while stepping back to see the full picture can help dissolve it

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Joli’s Jealousy Resource Center

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Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions