What is Lust? What is Love? Marriage and Sex Addiction Recovery

In this episode of The Tyranny of Hope, West Breedlove tackles a unique but crucial topic for individuals in sex addiction recovery: navigating the boundary between loving and lusting after your spouse. While attraction and desire play important roles in marriage, for those in recovery, there’s a fine line to walk to avoid slipping into old patterns that focus on personal gratification over genuine connection.

We begin by distinguishing between healthy, connection-driven desire and self-focused lust, which can arise even within marriage. Drawing from insights by leading experts, including Dr. Patrick Carnes and Dr. Sue Johnson, we discuss how objectifying one’s spouse, even unintentionally, can pull individuals back into addictive mindsets and hinder authentic intimacy.

Listeners will learn three key strategies for developing healthier intimacy:

1.Practicing mindful intimacy to stay present and avoid slipping into fantasies.

2.Shifting one’s mental framework to appreciate their spouse as a whole person.

3.Building emotional intimacy outside the bedroom, which fosters a more connected and resilient relationship.

By learning to approach intimacy with a focus on connection rather than consumption, those in recovery can cultivate a loving relationship that honors both themselves and their partner.

Source Material:

1.Patrick Carnes, PhD – Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction (2001)

2.Esther Perel – The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (2017)

3.Kenneth M. Adams, PhD – Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners (2001)

4.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy – Bancroft, J., Graham, C. A., Janssen, E., & Sanders, S. A. (2009), “The Dual Control Model: Current Status and Future Directions.”

5.Sue Johnson, PhD – Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (2008)

6.John Gottman, PhD – The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999)

For those interested in further reading, we also recommend:

•Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Mark Laaser, PhD (2004)

•Rewire Your Anxious Brain by Catherine Pittman, PhD (2015)