Why Do I Keep Self-Sabotaging in Relationships? Ep. 176

You can know exactly what's happening.
You can see your patterns clearly.
And still find yourself doing the same thing.

In this episode, I'm talking about the disconnect between what we know and what we actually do in relationships—and why that gap exists.

Because this isn't about a lack of awareness.
And it's not about willpower.

It's about your nervous system.

I share a personal experience that helped me understand this more deeply, after learning from Bessel van der Kolk and his work in The Body Keeps the Score—and how that shifted the way I saw my own responses.

We'll explore why your body can still feel unsafe—even when you logically know you're okay.
Why small moments in relationships can create big internal reactions.
And why insight on its own doesn't always lead to change.

If you've ever found yourself:

• Overthinking when someone takes longer to reply
• Wanting to stay calm but reacting anyway
• Going back to something you know isn't right
• Or feeling like your emotions don't match what you know

This episode will help you understand why.

And more importantly, it will help you relate to yourself differently in those moments.

What This Episode Covers

• Why you can know better but still not do better
• The role of trauma in relationship patterns
• How the nervous system overrides logic
• Why your body responds as if something is happening now (not in the past)
• The difference between cognitive understanding and physiological change
• Why emotional regulation isn't learned through thinking
• How relationship triggers activate survival responses
• Why change feels slow—even when you're self-aware

Key Takeaway

This isn't about you getting it wrong.

It's about understanding that different systems are at play—
and they don't change at the same pace.

Your awareness isn't the problem.
Your system just hasn't caught up yet.

A Reframe

If you feel like you keep going backwards,
or like you're stuck in the same patterns…

It may not be that you haven't healed.

It may be that your body is still learning
what safety feels like.

Practical Reflection

As you move through your relationships this week, you might gently notice:

• What happens in your body when there's distance or uncertainty
• The moments where your response feels bigger than the situation
• The urge to fix, reach out, or pull away

Not to change it immediately—
but just to become aware of it, without judgment.

Because change doesn't come from forcing a different response.
It comes from creating new experiences, over time.

Work with Sylvia and book a free consultation: https://sylviasuwan.com