The #1 Reason Your Relationship Isn't Working (It's Not What You Think) | EP. 179

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In this episode, I sit down with Shana James — relationship and dating coach with 20 years of experience, TED Talk speaker, and author of Honest Sex — to explore the real reasons men and women keep failing each other in love and intimacy. Shana has coached thousands of men and women, and what she's uncovered is that the patterns keeping us stuck aren't about gender — they're about communication, vulnerability, and a fundamental lost-in-translation moment most couples never address.

We get into why men struggle to open up (and what it actually takes for them to feel safe enough to try), why women aren't as naturally vulnerable as we think, and what men told Shana behind closed doors that women never get to hear. We also dive into the desire-rejection spiral — where it starts, who's responsible for breaking it, and how perimenopause adds a whole new layer of complexity to intimacy and dating. Shana also shares her expanded definition of sex from Honest Sex, and why letting go of the baseball analogy might change everything.

This is Part 1 of a two-part conversation — and we're just getting started.

In This Episode:

00:00 Why Men and Women Keep Failing Each Other

01:18 Meet Shana James — 20 Years Coaching Both Sides

02:15 The #1 Pattern Keeping Couples Stuck: Communication

04:05 How to Get Men to Open Up — What Actually Works

06:40 The Surprise: Women Struggle with Vulnerability Too

08:55 Are Men Really Emotionally Unavailable? The Real Answer

11:10 What 1,000 Men's Tears Reveal About the Crisis Between Men and Women

13:30 The Desire Spiral: Where It Starts and Who Breaks It

15:45 Dating and Intimacy During Perimenopause

18:00 What Is Sex, Really? Shana's Expanded Definition

19:40 Part 2 Is Coming — Subscribe So You Don't Miss It

Want a deeper look? Watch the full episode on YouTube for a more visual experience of today’s discussion. This episode is best enjoyed on video—don’t miss out!

About the guest:

As a relationship and dating coach for 20+ years, Shana James humbly discovered the causes of disconnection and distrust in relationships, as well as how to build trust and keep passion alive. Shana has facilitated decades ofAuthentic Relating workshops based on her training in communication, mindfulness, psychology and sensuality, and specializes in helping clients date and create healthy relationships after divorce. Shana brings her Master’s in psychology, DISC and Positive Intelligence certifications to her book:Honest Sex: A Passionate Path to Deepen Connection and Keep RelationshipsAlive. She also hosts two podcasts: Man Alive and Practicing Love, and has aTEDx Talk, 'What 1000 Men's Tears Reveal About the Crisis Between Men andWomen.'

Connect with Shana James:

Website: https://shanajamescoaching.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/shanajames/

Resources: https://shanajamescoaching.com/resources-3/

About the host:

Karen Bigman, a Sexual Health Alliance Certified Sex Educator, Life, and Menopause Coach, tackles the often-taboo subject of sexuality with a straightforward and candid approach. We explore the intricacies of sex during perimenopause, post-menopause, and andropause, offering insights and support for all those experiencing these transformative phases.

This podcast is not intended to give medical advice. Karen Bigman is not a medical professional. For any medical questions or issues, please visit your licensed medical provider.

Looking for some fresh perspective on sex in midlife? You can find me here:

Email: karen@taboototruth.com

Website: https://www.taboototruth.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/taboototruth

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@taboototruthpodcast

Substack: https://karenbigman.substack.com

Take control of your pleasure with my Pleasure Playbook, filled with tips to help you connect with your body and enhance intimacy. Download it now at www.taboototruth.com/pleasureplaybook.

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🔥 Ready to spice things up? This Yes/No/Maybe list is your permission slip for pleasure. https://www.taboototruth.com/free-resources-1/yes%2Fno%2Fmaybe%3F