It's Not About You

Sam and Christine reach the fourth night of The Courage to Be Disliked, and the whole thing flips: you are not the center of the world. It sounds like a knock, but it turns out to be the good news. If whether people like you was never your task to begin with, then a huge weight you have been carrying was never yours to hold.

They start with an idea that stings a little. Wanting to be liked is actually a form of self-centeredness. When you are obsessed with being thought well of, you are still stuck on the I, still making it about you. Real belonging works the other way around. Instead of asking what other people can do for you, you ask what you can give, and Sam ties that straight back to what she told her son when he was little: you are here to lift others.

From there they get into one of Adler's most practical ideas, horizontal relationships. You drop praise and punishment, because both come from a place of looking down, and you replace them with plain encouragement. Christine and Sam love that the word courage is nested right inside encouragement. You are not rewarding a good outcome, you are helping someone find the courage to do their own work. Praise the effort, not the result. I love the colors you picked, what were you thinking when you chose those.

The most tender moment comes when Christine shares what she told her daughter on a hard day. Go paint some rocks with encouraging messages and leave them at the park. Weed a neighbor's garden. Write your grandma a note. Because getting out of your own head and being of use to someone else is where self-worth actually comes from. And self-worth, Adler says, is what gives you the courage to live. It all lands on one honest line that ties the whole book together: I am of use to someone.

In this episode:

- Why you are not the center of the world, and why that is freeing

- How wanting to be liked is really a form of self-centeredness

- Commitment to community: asking what you can give, not what you can get

- Horizontal vs. vertical relationships, and dropping praise and rebuke

- Encouragement over praise, and the courage nested inside it

- Serving others as a real tool for self-worth and mental health

Quotes from this episode:

"Your wanting to be liked by others is your attachment to yourself. It's not concern for others, it's nothing but attachment to self." - Samantha Bauer

"There is a feeling of being part of something bigger, and it feels so good. Especially when you're contributing to it, you realize it's not about you. It's just bigger than one individual." - Christine Goforth

"There's that word courage, nested right inside encouragement. In a horizontal relationship, you're encouraging someone to be courageous enough to do their own life tasks." - Samantha Bauer

"It gets you out of your own head, and it feels good to do good for other people. That's a huge piece of community, and it's a huge piece of mental health." - Christine Goforth

Listen and subscribe:

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/sisters-in-law-of-attraction/id1848757802

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4OngsZM3ofSq3xTUgpChfc

All platforms: https://linktr.ee/sistersinlawpod

Episode page: https://sistersinlawofattraction.com/episodes/episode-31-its-not-about-you.html

Sisters In Law of Attraction is hosted by Samantha Bauer and Christine Goforth.