Ep. #294. What is Emotional Abuse?

What is abuse?

Abusers rarely, if ever realize they are abusive. If you call them out on their behavior, they will often react with something to the tune of, “You’re too sensitive, suck it up, quit your whining”.

If you point out their lack of empathy, they will simply deny your claim and trivialize your concerns. Or, they may justify their lack of empathy by stating that you are not “deserving” of empathy.

Abusers are often heard to be judging others, especially those who disagree with them. Any opposition to their view-point is met with insults of some sort. They’ll say things like:

• Read a book once in a while (to suggest you are uninformed, or uneducated)

• Oh, did you read that on the internet? (assuming your source of information is inferior to theirs…even though they use the same methods that you do.)

• And where did you get YOUR masters degree in this topic? (attacking your credibility, and ignoring the fact that if you can read, or if you can listen to actual experts, then you can be informed. Also…where is THEIR masters degree in the same topic they say you’re not able to have an opinion on?)

• Or, they will react with a trivializing label to lump you into a category they deem to be inferior to themselves. Such as; conspiracy theorist, lib-tard, far right, far left, tin foil hat, extremist, etc…

Abusers tell you through their actions or words that YOUR opinion does not matter. Your thoughts are not worth consideration, and your voice is not worth listening to. If your thoughts and voice have no value to an abuser, then neither does your very existence.

In every genocide, groups of people have been trivialized as not worth listening to, not worth empathy, not worth the air they breath. It may seem like a leap, to compare a garden variety abuser with a genocidal maniac…but it’s the same. The mentality is the same, the only difference is the degree of abuse. The degree of abuse is proportionate to the power held by the abuser. The greater the power, the greater the abuse.

A dictator who is also an abuser will think nothing of killing those who oppose him, not just because he sees opponents as a threat..but because he sees them as inferior. An abuser feels that those who are inferior, do not have the right to protest, be heard, or to speak out. An abuser is perfectly comfortable marginalizing those they feel are inferior by denying their basic rights of speech, assembly, protest, and movement. All these rights they never give up themselves, but an abuser is comfortable denying others these basic rights.

In relationships, we see abusers removing the voice of the abused. Their victims can’t ever do anything “right”. They will constantly correct, criticize, or complain about their victims. They consistently trivialize, marginalize, and minimize their victims point of view.

When abusers become national leaders, their followers tend to take on the abusive traits of the leader. They parrot the abusive labels, and demonize anyone who opposes the abuser. This is how dictatorships flourish.

We use diagnostic labels such as narcissist, sociopath, etc, but the common denominator is a pattern of abuse. The bottom line is refusing to attempt to understand the lived experience and perspective of others. A lack of, or absence of empathy is the hallmark of an abuser. This lack of empathy manifests as insults and demonization.

One of the obstacles to having empathy, is the lack of understanding of what empathy actually is. Often people conflate empathy with agreement, but this is not the case. You can empathize with someone whom you disagree with. It takes maturity and control of your ego, but it can be done.

A truly mature and confident person finds it easy to be curious about opinions of others which are contrary to their own. A person who lacks confidence finds it unimaginable to be curious about the opinions of those who disagree with them.

Curiosity ......