228: Your Life Does Not End at the Diagnosis: Kerry’s Story as the Partner of a Man Diagnosed at 41

Episode Overview:

In this episode of The Penis Project Podcast, Melissa speaks with Kerry, whose partner Matt was diagnosed with prostate cancer at 41. Kerry was 33. This is her story, told from the seat we don’t hear enough, the partner’s.

It starts with a motorbike. Matt has a vintage Honda CB750, his pride and joy and he is always looking for a reason to ride it. So, in September 2019 when they saw the Distinguished Gentleman’s Ride advertised, they thought “let’s do it”. They bought suits, made their donation, and rode up the freeway in open-faced helmets. Sounds dangerous but this act may have saved Matt’s life.

Before the ride, a couple in their late fifties or early sixties got up, reluctantly, and talked about their prostate cancer journey. Kerry listened intently taking onboard their powerful message. They rode, had the best day, went home, and Kerry said to Matt: you’re 40 now, next time you’re at the doctor’s maybe get a baseline PSA check.

Four months later Matt was walking out the door to see his GP about headaches. Kerry called out as the door was closing “make sure you get a PSA added on”. His GP, thankfully, was pro men’s health and simply did the test. It came back around 7. For a man his age, it should have been under 1.

What followed is a lesson. A repeat test three weeks later, was still significantly raised, so Matt was referred to a urologist for further investigation. An MRI was ordered; it came back clear. A less curious surgeon might have stopped there. This one however said there was still something elevating that PSA and decided to do a biopsy. Matt was completely asymptomatic, which is very normal with prostate cancer. Without that blood test, and without that biopsy, they would never have known.

The result came by phone, because it was COVID, and Kerry was at work. Matt took the call alone and his two children, then 9 and 12, were the ones who had to comfort him first. Gleason 7. And a sentence Kerry has never quite shaken: if they had not found it when they did, they would have been looking at around ten years before it became terminal. Most men are not even thinking about their prostate until they are 50.

Before the surgery, Dr Brown put children on their radar. Kerry did not have kids and was not certain she wanted them, and Matt already had two, but banking sperm beforehand was the best chance of ever having the option. Around the surgery they were well supported, most of it over Zoom because of COVID.

Kerry is honest about what she carried in silence. In her early thirties, five years into the relationship, she was quietly terrified about what their sex life would look like on the other side and said none of it out loud. She was his rock and he was already carrying enough. So, she researched instead: continence underwear that looks like normal jocks, whether men can orgasm without ejaculating, how to be intimate without intercourse. She and Melissa unpack why “I just want him alive” is said with total love and heard as something else entirely.

The good news is very good. Matt has been cancer-free ever since, and their sex life recovered further and faster than either of them dared expect. Their son Thomas, just over three, arrived through IVF using the sperm they banked, and carries the middle name of the great-grandfather whose prostate cancer nobody had joined the dots on. Matt’s diagnosis also prompted his own dad to get retested; he had prostate cancer and did not know it. Between them, Kerry and Matt have now walked at least fourteen men through this, and every year they polish the bike and speak at the Distinguished Gentleman’s Ride, because one reluctant couple with a microphone in 2019 is the reason Matt is alive.

Golden Tip: Prostate cancer is not an old man’s disease.

Key Message from Kerry

Your life does not end at the diagnosis.

Kerry’s message to partners is that whatever recovery looks like on the other side, it can still be full, and it can still be fulfilling. Intimacy does not stop at a prostate cancer diagnosis. It changes, and it takes work, and it may take time, but it is not over.

Her message to everyone else is simpler still. It is one blood test. Matt had no symptoms at all. That single test set off a journey they were not prepared for, but as Kerry puts it, there is nothing as good as knowing you did everything you could to catch it as early as you possibly could.

Resources & Links

• “Brave”: Kerry and Matt’s Distinguished Gentleman’s Ride video, made by the same couple whose speech prompted Matt to get tested. Tissue warning. DGR 2020, Why I'm Riding Solo: Matthew Richards

• The Distinguished Gentleman’s Ride https://www.gentlemansride.com/

• Prostate Cancer Foundation of Australia https://www.pcfa.org.au/

• PCFA specialist prostate cancer nurses https://www.pcfa.org.au/support/prostate-cancer-specialist-nurses/

• Movember : https://au.movember.com/

• Continence Foundation of Australia https://www.continence.org.au/

• Kerry has generously offered to speak with other partners going through this. If you would like to be put in touch, email admin@melissahadleybarrett.com and we will pass your details on.

• Book a telehealth appointment with our sexual health nurse practitioners at https://rshealth.com.au/book-appointment or email admin@rshealth.com.au

• We also have a free Resource Library, sign up for access here: https://rshealth.com.au/resource-library

• For more information check out our websites www.rshealth.com.au , www.makehardeasy.com.au and www.melissahadleybarrett.com.au

• Click here to shop for medical devices and other products mentioned on the show https://restorative-health-clinic.myshopify.com/

• Click here to watch Melissa’s YouTube videos: Melissa Hadley Barrett

Need Support?

At Restorative Health Clinic, we support men and their partners with:

• Penile rehabilitation after prostate cancer treatment

• Erectile dysfunction

• Vacuum pump and constriction ring education and prescription

• Penile injection therapy

• Intimacy and sexual recovery

• Partner-inclusive support where appropriate

• Practical, evidence-based strategies for rebuilding confidence and function

We offer telehealth consultations Australia-wide and internationally, making it easier for men to access experienced, compassionate support no matter where they live. If Steve’s story sounds familiar, we would love to hear from you.

Restorative Health Clinic also has a psychologist-sexologist in the team. If you are struggling with the emotional or psychological side of erectile dysfunction, prostate cancer recovery, or intimacy, we can support you there too as an individual or as a couple.

Listen & Subscribe

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We also have a free Resource Library, sign up for access here: https://rshealth.com.au/resource-library

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We love hearing from real people navigating their health. If you would like to share your story or ask a question, get in touch.

Email: admin@rshealth.com.au

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TEDx Talk:

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