Ep. 481: How to be an emotionally secure enough parent with Eli Harwood

What if secure attachment isn't about doing everything perfectly? In this episode, HeHe sits down with licensed therapist and attachment expert Eli Harwood, aka Attachment Nerd, to break down what secure attachment actually looks like, how co-regulation and attunement shape our relationships with our kids, and why being “regulated enough” matters way more than being a perfect parent.

HeHe and Eli unpack the difference between attachment and simply being connected, why responsiveness matters more than following a specific parenting philosophy, and what happens when our own mental health, stress, or childhood experiences make it harder to tune into our kids. They talk about the still face experiment, the reality that even securely attached parent-child pairs are only perfectly in sync some of the time, and why repairing after you mess up is one of the most powerful things you can do.

And if you're trying to break generational patterns, this conversation goes DEEP. Eli shares how grieving what you didn't receive in childhood can actually help you parent differently, plus practical ways to apologize, reconnect, and create safety after a rupture.

They also get into daycare, temperament, neurodivergence, clingy kids, proximity-seeking, self-soothing vs. shutting down, gentle parenting vs. permissive parenting, and the long-term impact of secure attachment. And yes, they talk about spanking, why it can disrupt trust, and what repair can look like when you've already made a parenting choice you regret.

Basically, this episode is your reminder that secure attachment isn't about never getting it wrong. It's about creating a relationship where your child knows you're there, keeps coming back to you, and learns that even when things go sideways, connection can be repaired. 💜

Chapters

00:00 Regulated Enough Goals 01:01 Free C-Section Class 03:14 The Biological Parenting Lens 07:30 What Attachment Actually Is 10:59 Attachment Myths & Nuance 14:47 Mental Health & Bonding 16:10 Attunement & Co-Regulation 19:46 Good Enough Parenting 28:35 Repair & Apology Scripts 38:51 Breaking Cycles From Your Childhood 42:07 Signs of Secure Attachment 44:15 Self-Soothing vs. Shutdown 45:12 Temperament & the Strange Situation 47:43 Why Kids Have a Preferred Caregiver 50:03 Reassurance Beyond Hugs 53:09 Clingy Kids & Hypervigilance 55:09 The Myth of Attachment Milestones 56:10 Gentle vs. Permissive Parenting 01:02:54 The Long-Term Benefits of Secure Attachment 01:06:04 Building Your Village 01:08:49 Find Eli 01:11:07 Spanking & Repair 01:16:33 Final Takeaways & Outro

Guest Bio:

Eli Harwood is a licensed therapist, creator of Attachment Nerd, and author of the books "Securely Attached", "Raising Securely Attached Kids," and “How to Deal with Your (__) So Your Kids Don’t Have to”. She has over 19 years of clinical experience, over 1.5 million followers across her social media platforms, and is on a mission to make the world a more secure place one attachment relationship at a time. Eli has three children, one husband, two cats, a gaggle of chickens, and an extraordinary number of high maintenance plants!

Connect with Eli: www.attachmentnerd.com

SOCIAL MEDIA:

Connect with HeHe on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tranquilitybyhehe/

Connect with Eli on IG: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/

LINKS MENTIONED:

Learn about the Still Face Experiment here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/research-still-face-experiment/

BIRTH EDUCATION:

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