520: Ask David--Grief, Love and Letting Go

Ask David: Grief, Love and Letting Go

Hosts:
Kevin Cornelius, LMFT
Dr. David Burns
Guest:
Dr. Matt May

In this Ask David episode of The Feeling Good Podcast, David Burns, Kevin Cornelius, and Matt May explore three emotionally difficult situations: watching a child struggle and desperately wanting to help, grieving the loss of someone you love, and trying to pursue a romantic relationship with someone who has clearly said no.

The common thread? Our suffering often increases when we try to control something—or someone—that we cannot control.

When Your Child Is Struggling

The episode begins with a parent asking how to help a daughter who is having a difficult time. David offers a counterintuitive suggestion: sometimes the best way to help is to stop trying to help.

Rather than pushing advice, solutions, or therapy, parents can learn to listen with genuine empathy. David recommends learning the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, which can help parents create an environment where their children feel understood and are more willing to talk.

David also emphasizes an important principle from his own clinical practice: he doesn't try to help people against their will. Unless a child is very young, the person receiving therapy needs to want the help and ask for it.

Matt adds another important dimension: parents and therapists may experience guilt, frustration, anger, or self-blame when they can't make someone else better. Those feelings don't mean you're a bad parent or therapist. They may simply reflect how deeply you care.

What Is Healthy Grief?

The second question comes from someone grieving the death of a spouse and wondering whether intense misery and despair are signs of unhealthy grief—and how long healthy grief is supposed to last.

The discussion offers an important distinction:

Healthy grief can be extremely painful.

Sadness itself isn't necessarily something that needs to be "fixed." If the painful thoughts are accurate—"I'll never see my spouse again" or "I miss the person I loved"—then the appropriate response may be empathy rather than cognitive restructuring.

But grief can become complicated by distorted thoughts, such as:

• "It's my fault that she died."
• "I should have done more."
• "I should have known."
• "I should have prevented this."
• "I'll never be happy again."

These thoughts can add guilt, shame, anger, and hopelessness to the natural pain of loss.

David also challenges the idea that there is a prescribed timetable for grief. There is no universal schedule that says when someone "should" be finished grieving. Trying to force yourself to recover according to an arbitrary timeline may simply create another layer of suffering.

Instead, David encourages listeners to lean into grief rather than judge it. Deep grief can be understood as an expression of deep love.

When Romantic Pursuit Becomes a Trap

The final question comes from Ahmed, who became interested in a divorced woman, expressed his desire for marriage very early, and continued pursuing her even after she made it clear that she wasn't interested.

The discussion explores the difference between genuine connection and emotional pursuit.

Matt identifies several thoughts that can fuel what he calls a "love addiction," including:

"I can't be happy without this person."

Or the belief that if you're sincere, thoughtful, and persistent enough, you can eventually convince someone to love you.

David and Kevin challenge that idea. If someone has clearly communicated that they aren't interested, continuing to pursue them isn't likely to create attraction. Instead, it may be a sign that you're avoiding the pain of acceptance and letting go.

David shares personal stories about learning to overcome his own fear of rejection, including deliberately seeking out rejection so that it would no longer have the power to frighten him.

The ultimate goal isn't to convince one particular person to love you. It's to become comfortable enough with yourself that you don't need any particular person to make you happy.

As Kevin puts it, there is something much more appealing about someone who is already enjoying their life and invites another person to join them than someone who is essentially saying, "Please be with me so that I can be happy."

Key Takeaways 1. You can't make someone want help.

When someone you love is suffering, your instinct may be to push harder. But sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is listen, empathize, and give the other person the freedom to choose whether they want help.

2. Empathy may be more appropriate than problem-solving.

Not every painful emotion is a symptom that needs to be eliminated. When someone's sadness is based on reality, especially after a profound loss, compassion and empathy may be the most appropriate response.

3. Look for the thoughts behind emotional suffering.

The distinction between healthy and unhealthy grief isn't simply how intensely someone feels. Ask what thoughts are creating the emotional pain. Accurate thoughts may call for empathy; distorted thoughts may provide an opportunity for cognitive change.

4. There is no universal timetable for grief.

Grief isn't a race. Trying to determine how long you "should" grieve can create additional pressure and self-criticism.

5. "Shoulds" can make grief even more painful.

Thoughts such as "I should have known" or "I should have done more" can turn natural sadness into guilt and self-blame.

6. You cannot persuade someone into wanting a relationship.

Sincerity, persistence, and good intentions don't create attraction when the other person has already said no. Sometimes the healthiest response is to accept the rejection and let go.

7. Learn to be happy on your own.

One of the central lessons from David's book Intimate Connections is that healthy relationships become easier when you aren't dependent on another person for your happiness.

8. Rejection doesn't have to mean something is wrong with you.

Fear of rejection can keep people attached to unavailable partners. Learning to tolerate rejection—and even deliberately practicing it—can dramatically reduce its emotional power.

9. Sometimes "letting go" is the path toward getting what you really want.

Whether you're trying to force a child into therapy, force yourself to stop grieving, or force someone to love you, the attempt to control the uncontrollable can keep you stuck. Acceptance creates room for genuine connection and change.

Resources Mentioned

David recommends several previous Feeling Good Podcast episodes and books during the discussion, including:

• Feeling Good Together, for learning the Five Secrets of Effective Communication.
• Intimate Connections, for understanding loneliness, dating, rejection, and developing healthy relationships.
• Previous Feeling Good Podcast episodes on helping children and the problems that can arise when helping doesn't help.
  • 146: When Helping Doesn't Help
  • 495: Stop Helping! Here's How. Featuring Thai-An Truong on Codependency

Questions for Reflection

• When someone I love is struggling, am I listening—or trying to fix?
• What emotions do I experience when I can't make someone else better?
• During grief, which of my thoughts are accurate, and which might contain "shoulds" or self-blame?
• Am I judging myself for how long I am grieving?
• Have I ever pursued someone because I believed I couldn't be happy without them?
• What would it look like to build a satisfying life without needing a particular person to complete it?
• What would happen if I stopped trying to control an outcome I can't control?

The episode ultimately offers a compassionate message: you can care deeply without trying to control, grieve deeply without judging yourself, and love someone without needing them to love you back.

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Your voice matters—and as David points out in this episode, sometimes the most important conversations begin when we're willing to express what we're really thinking and feeling.

Thank you for listening to The Feeling Good Podcast!

Contact Information

You can reach Matt May, MD @ https://www.matthewmaymd.com

Kevin Cornelius, LMFT is a Level 5 Certified Master TEAM-CBT Therapist and Trainer and the Clinical Director of Feeling Good Institute--Silicon Valley. He specializes in the treatment of trauma, anxiety, depression, relationship problems and insomnia. You can reach Kevin at kevin@feelinggoodinstitute.com and visit his website at www.tools4change.me.

You can reach Dr. Burns at david@feelinggood.com.

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