Episode 5: Why abusive men are abusive

In this episode, we take on the question women ask again and again: Why is he abusive? Women are desperate for an answer. They want to understand his need for power and control – where it comes from, what drives it, and whether he’s even aware of it. For many women, this becomes a pivotal point in making sense of their situation.

There are many unfounded theories and explanations commonly offered for why abusive men are abusive:

• He has an anger problem.
• He’s under a lot of stress.
• He’s mentally ill.
• It’s because of his childhood.
• He’s an addict.
• It’s just his “conflict style.”

None of these are accurate. These excuses show up everywhere in the dominant discourse and leave both women and professionals confused about what the real issue actually is.

Karen shares part of her own story about Bruce’s change process and what that looked like. That experience leads us into a discussion of the true cause of abuse: the man’s underlying belief system.

Research from the University of British Columbia’s School of Social Work, based on interviews with men before and after treatment, identified three core beliefs held by abusive men. These beliefs create the foundation that allows abuse to happen:

• Central – He believes he should be the centre of the household and that everything should revolve around him.
• Superior – He believes he is better than his partner in all areas that matter.
• Deserving – He believes he is entitled to whatever he wants, whenever he wants it.

These beliefs are deeply held – often unconscious – and rooted in privilege and entitlement. Abusive men may know how to “talk the talk” of healthy relationship, so they won’t usually state these beliefs outright. But their actions reveal them.

• More in the show notes
• Alison Epp, counselling
• Jo Neill, counselling
• The When Love Hurts website lists their active support groups throughout Canada and provides many articles for further reading.
• 211 is an emergency mental health number in Canada that can be called at any time and they can connect you with available local resources.
• If you still cannot find what you are looking for, please connect with us by email.

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