S5:E32 - Sam & Bubba

She always knew

Sam walked into a fertility clinic at 24 with her friend as her fake partner, because she assumed single women weren't allowed to do this alone. When the counsellor handed her a booklet with a section on solo mums, she had a quiet revelation: she didn't need to pretend anything.

She went on the donor waitlist that day. Then she waited three years.

Sam is an emergency department nurse in Canterbury, New Zealand, who grew up in a family with a cycle of difficult relationships and decided early that the best thing she could do for herself — and for a future child — was to do it differently. When she realised donor conception meant she could have a baby without any of that cycle attached to it, she felt, as she describes it, delighted.

She was 28 when she finally got the call that a donor was available. She was 29 when she fell pregnant — on her first frozen transfer, the one she called the Easter transfer, the favourite egg that ever existed. She named him Dandy Lion while he was still in her uterus, because dandelions are resilient and they symbolise the sun, moon, and stars. She did her injection in the back of an ambulance. She showed everyone at work a weekly ultrasound. She threw herself a gender reveal party in the emergency department with blue lollies and a balloon pop. She found out she was pregnant on Mother's Day.

Her son is now eight months old. Sam recently got back from Fiji — terrible weather, little shacks in the middle of nowhere, best memories she's ever made. She’s found a beautiful Canterbury solo mum community from a Facebook post. She goes to the Solo Mum Society book club at one in the morning NZ time. She's one and only, by choice, and completely at peace with it.

This is one of the most joyful episodes I've recorded in five seasons.

In this episode:

• Growing up in a family with a difficult relationship pattern — and deciding to break the cycle

• Walking into a fertility clinic at 24 with a fake partner because she thought single women couldn't do it alone

• Going on the NZ donor waitlist at 24, expecting a two-year wait — and waiting over three years

• Choosing a donor in New Zealand based on why he donated and openness to early contact

• IVF at 28-29: doing injections between ambulance shifts, finding the whole process genuinely fascinating

• A fresh transfer that didn't work, then the Easter frozen transfer that became Bubba

• Finding out she was pregnant on Mother's Day — doing a home test and planning it that way

• Pregnancy as an emergency department nurse: telling colleagues early for safety reasons, the whole ward adopting him as the ward baby, weekly ultrasounds for the team

• Pre-labour rupture of membranes at 39 weeks — going in terrified, having the most incredible birth experience

• Pulling Bubba onto her chest herself and cutting his cord

• The triple feeding plan in the first weeks — and why breastfeeding was harder than she expected

• Coming home to just the two of them in a thunderstorm — what the NZ system looks like (Plunket, midwife for 6 weeks, Plunketline)

• Finding a Canterbury solo mum community via a Facebook post — now she attends monthly meetups

• The SMS Facebook group, book club, and SMS Membership that filled the gap

• Being blindsided by how much the village disappears after discharge — the loneliness nobody warns you about

• Fiji at seven months — terrible weather, magic memories, and why his childhood is her motherhood

• Choosing to be one and only — and the beautiful logic of treasuring every moment because it only happens once

• What she says to him every night — and what she'd tell anyone considering this path

Key Takeaways

• You don't have to be certain to start — in New Zealand, you can go on the donor waitlist and stay on it without committing to anything, because it can take years

• Shift work and IVF can work together — let your clinic know your schedule and they'll accommodate; Sam's clinic moved her to 11am appointments so she could sleep after night shifts

• The village may disappear after discharge — this is not just a solo mum experience, but solo mums often feel it more acutely. Build your intentional village before the baby arrives.

• Being one and only isn't settling — it can be a deliberate, joyful choice to give everything to the experience of one

• She found the Canterbury solo mum community from one Facebook post — if there's no one near you, be the one who starts it

• His childhood is your motherhood — the experiences you create for him are also the memories you carry

• The NZ process: Fertility Associates offer free consults with blood tests; Plunket provides early childhood support; Plunketline is a free helpline for new parents

• Donor conception in New Zealand requires a local NZ donor — there is no access to international donors

This episode is brought to you by City Fertility

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Not sure whether this path is right for you?

A Sounding Board Session with Alisha is a one-to-one call to work through wherever you're at — the decision, the process, the fears. You don't have to have it figured out before you book. Book your session here.