Coercive Control: When Abuse Is About Control, Not Just Conflict Day 11

So, what is this? It's a pattern of behaviors that

uses control, intimidation, isolation, manipulates

a person, or restrict another person's freedom.

Like all the topics I have been discussing,

it starts subtly. It looks like:

Small rules

Punishments

Threats

Restrictions

You may wake up one day and feel no longer free to make your own decisions.

Coercive Control may not seem like someone wagging their finger at you all the time but may appear as:

Why do you need your own bank account?

Don't you like spending time with me? You are always with your family.

You're wearing that?!

Maybe:

They will punish you by giving you the silent treatment.

They punish you emotionally.

Make you feel miserable until you give in.

Eventually you stop doing things, seeing loved ones or participating in passions you love.

Sometimes this isn't physical but it can enter the bedroom. They use guilt, threats, intimidation and more. It sounds like:

"Oh, come on!"

"If you loved me..."

"But, we are married/in a relationship!"

Religion or faith may also be used as a tool for control. You may have to participate in service you don't want to attend. You may be forced to do something you don't want to do and are reminded of what your religion says about not doing as what you are told.

They may rage.

Threaten to disown you.

Threaten to take the kids or not let you see them.

They make say that they will leave or you are not allowed in their home.

They may not always be this way. You may have fun days. Days where there is love or laughter and then you think am I just crazy?

What can you do? Stop asking Survivors why don't they just leave! There may be very good reasons why. Instead of asking why she/he doesn't leave why not ask, "Why does he/she abuse him/her?"

Talk with an advocate if you are safe to do so. Reach out to The Hotline or a shelter near you. Domestic Shelters is a good resource.

Your safety matters! Remember you are not responsible for someone abusing you! You deserve respect and to be loved without fear.

Before I let you go, I want to remind you that if something we've talked about today feels familiar, you don't have to figure it out alone.

If you're in the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at **800-799-SAFE, or 800-799-7233**. You can also text **START to 88788** or use their online chat. They can help with safety planning and connect people with local resources.

If you're outside the United States, you can visit **Lila.help**, which provides a directory of domestic and gender-based violence organizations and helplines in countries around the world.

If you're in immediate, life-threatening danger, contact your local emergency services. Please be mindful of digital safety if you think someone may be monitoring your phone, computer, internet history, or accounts.

You don't have to have a perfect plan.

You don't have to know exactly what you're going to do.

Sometimes the first step is simply talking to someone who understands.

Take care of yourself. You matter. Stay safe and God bless!

Mel