Why Do I Need to Hide?

"Sexual attention may make me feel desirable without requiring me to reveal the parts of myself that I believe are unlovable. So I can change the way I feel by remaining protected from being fully known."

Everyone can see the behavior. Dr. Michael Barta wants to know what it does. In this episode he explains why understanding the function of compulsive sexual behavior matters, and what is often underneath it.

If treatment looks only at what a man is doing, it treats only what can be seen. Dr. Barta also asks what he gets from doing it: less anxiety, a break from shame, feeling desirable, relief from loneliness or inadequacy, or a way out of emotional numbness. Describing the behavior as a solution doesn't call it healthy, and it doesn't excuse the damage. It explains why someone returns to something he knows is destructive. Through the Reconnection Model®, Dr. Barta connects these patterns to early development, to the adaptations that once protected a man, and to intimacy disorder: the inability to feel safe while being fully seen, known and accepted.

In this episode, you will discover:

• Function, Not Just Behavior: why the first question is what the behavior gives him
• A Solution Isn't a Healthy Solution: why describing the function doesn't excuse the damage
• Change Without Exposure: how fantasy and sexual attention change how a man feels without the risk of being known
• Stability, Attunement and Validation: the three developmental needs the Reconnection Model® pays attention to
• When Protection Becomes the Problem: how what helped him early in life gets in the way of intimacy later
• Where Trauma Fits: why not every addiction needs a dramatic event to explain it
• Understanding Increases Accountability: why knowing the pattern makes a man responsible for more, not less

This is for men who keep going back to a behavior they know is hurting them and want to understand why; for partners trying to make sense of what happened; and for clinicians who want to treat the function, not only the symptom.

Gentle Next Step: The next time you feel the pull, ask the question Dr. Barta starts with: what is this behavior giving me right now? Then ask what becomes difficult when it isn't available.

Learn more about Dr. Barta's monthly Reconnection Intensives at drmichaelbarta.com and watch the full video version on YouTube at https://youtu.be/duN3-rXtF20