Relationships: 3 Truths

Register for this month's webinar: https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJA zachspafford.com There are three natural roles that we tend to gravitate to in our relationships with others. Steven Karpman codified these in what he called the drama triangle. Understanding how these roles work can really help each of us figure out where we are in this space and then, ultimately move out of the triangle into the fourth role that is where we all want to be. The thing about these roles is that we tend to occupy each of the roles at some point or another. When it comes to our behavior, and especially addictive behaviors that we want to stop, this can be a real stumbling block to real progress in the search of becoming the best person we can be. The other thing is that how you move from each of the roles in the drama triangle to the role that you ultimately want in order to maximize fulfillment and minimize the pain that you are creating and feeling is slightly different. The three roles in the drama triangle are – victim, villain or prosecutor and hero or rescuer. The role that you want to have and the one that will bring you the most long term satisfaction is that of what I call the owner. Let’s take a look at each role and then we’ll talk about how you can move out of the drama triangle and into the owner role. Victim – This is probably the most self-explanatory role. When you are the victim you feel powerless, helpless and stuck. For someone that is dealing with pornography use as the user, they might think, “I’m an addict” or “I’m powerless against my addiction” For someone who is working at a job they might think, “This is the best job I’ll ever get, I can’t leave it” For a spouse of someone who is overeating they might think, “I’m stuck with this person forever.” At it’s most extreme These are people who believe that the world is happening to them. Nothing goes right in their life and nothing good ever happens. You might describe them as an energy vampire. Always sucking the energy out of life and unable to give anything back. The issue with being the victim, as you might have surmised, is that, in their mind at least, nothing is their fault, nothing is in their control and they can do nothing to make their life better. Villain/persecutor – This is the person who is self righteous and can even show up as a bit of a bully. In this role the person taking responsibility for the actions of others. They do this from a judgmental and self-satisfied tone. In a marriage this person might believe, “my husband just needs to stop looking at pornography, it’s that simple” At the office this might look like, “If accounting doesn’t like the way we are doing this, then they can come up here to sales and do it themselves.” As a parent you might get something along the lines of, “I saved your butt once before on this, you never learn, I don’t know why I even try” In that last one you can see how fluid these roles can be, in that you see someone might have been the hero before, but now they are really laying into the other person. Hero/rescuer – This is a person who takes responsibility for other people’s problems and make it their own, even though, in their own life they may not have their own life together. This is the person who will come in and spend a lot of energy in a short period trying to fix someone else’s issues, often at the expense of their own So this is a person who may believe something like, “if I help this person they will appreciate me” When spouses fill this role it often looks something like being in charge...

9 Aug 202018min

Follow this link to get the download Zach Takes about during the podcast. https://www.zachspafford.com/podcast-freebie (https://www.zachspafford.com/podcast-freebie) Join us for this month's free webinar : https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJA who we think we are, Who we are and who we want to be. This week one of my clients was talking about his life and the choices he had made His story, the thing that he believed about his life was, “I didn’t have the courage to make a different choice” He wasn’t talking about pornography, he was talking about his career choices. He comes from a family where what his parent’s want for him is extremely important. His values make it so that deferring to them is part of his culture and his identity. He also wants to be successful. It is part of the fabric of his community that he needs to be able to provide for his family, be a pillar in his community and to give back. He actually chose to be a doctor. He is practicing medicine every day and questioning it, questioning his fellow doctors if this is what they really want to be doing and wondering if he can last. Now before you judge him and say, ‘well he’s a doctor, he has it great, why should he complain’ I want to take a moment to explore this thought that he has from the lens of these three ideas: Who we think we are Who we are And who we want to be. Let’s start by going back to the story he is telling himself. “I didn’t have the courage to make a different choice.’ This is the story of who he thinks he is. What does that thought mean? It means that he failed, that he wasn’t who he wanted to be, that he wasn’t even who he chose to be. It’s a story of a victim. A victim of circumstances someone who was pushed in a direction he never wanted to go but found himself there because of forces beyond his control and at the behest of others with no capacity to decide for himself and only responsibility for what he didn’t choose. Often when we look back at our lives, the story we tell ourselves is one of regret and disappointment. Things we didn’t do, things we shouldn’t have done, or things we wish we had. We might believe this perspective is objective, valid and helpful in driving us to greater heights, better outcomes, and more effective decision making. But take a look at how you feel when this is the story you tell yourself. Disappointment Most of us know what that feeling is like. Even if this isn’t the story you tell yourself, yours might be, “I wasn’t as go a missionary as I could have been.” Or “I should have overcome this problem sooner.” Whatever the story, ask yourself, is this version of my history helping me become the person that I want to be by creating the feelings that drive me to improve, focus and succeed. I can tell you how it worked for this client. His disappointment brought him to second guess himself, avoid his thoughts about his career and how he might change his life, tell himself that he stunk. He also treated others differently, he would second guess his friends choice of career, would be abrupt with his patients and be unfriendly and unengaged. This creates a world for him where not only did he not have the courage in the past, but he also doesn’t have the courage to do what he wants now. Keeping him a victim of his circumstances and beholden to the past, his perception of his family’s wants and his perceived inability to become the person he wants to be. I can tell you I have seen myself in this exact place. At one point when I was in my career I felt trapped and incapable of moving forward. I had to be someone I...

3 Aug 202017min

Register for the webinar on August 19 at 7 pm Central. https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJA 17TH ANNIversary edition. Happy anniversary, This week, in honor of our anniversary, 17 things we’ve learned in our marriage. 1. Number one marriage takes work a. 2. we can do hard things 3. It takes commitment 4. stay calm 5. follow your path 6. assume the best 7. : support and encourage your partner. 8. believe in yourself 9. Everything is figure out able 10. work on your own stuff 11. do what you feel needs to be done 12. own your mistakes. say sorry 13. you are not responsible for the happiness of your partner 14. dream big, failure will happen, don’t let it hold you back or keep you down 15. empathy and compassion are invariably better than judgment and purposeful misunderstanding 16. the shower is a great place to talk 17. You never know when your greatest trials will become your greatest triumphs until you’ve made it all the way through 18. Number 2: 8 kids is a lot of laundry #addictionrecovery #latterdaysaintsdealingwithpornographyinmarraige #LDS #latterdaysaints #pornographyrecovery

26 Jul 202046min

This is how you can register for the webinar. https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJA (https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/6615948536985/WN_mO3BbHAVQH-ja0W_oXUfJA) or you can go straight to my website: https://www.zachspafford.com/freecall This is the link to Brene Brown's YouTube video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EXMsKZAeL0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EXMsKZAeL0) - Brene brown is talks about this in her SUPERSOUL SESSIONS: THE ANATOMY OF TRUST . - First, Brené references Charles Feltman work on trust and uses his definition. - Which is, ‘trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else’ - In the case of pornography use, what is it that we spouses making vulnerable? Darcy: - For many women, this is right at the top of the list for what they would call a nightmare scenario. - This is probably something that many of them worry about because of how they anticipate they will feel - I think the moment you get married you have placed this all important and sacred eternal life in the hands of a partner - I think the thing that feels most vulnerable when you find out that your husband is using pornography is that you may have just lost everything - That’s devastating. - For members you are committing to eternal marriage - You feel vulnerable - Wonder if your marriage is in jeopardy Darcy: What about the users, what are they making vulnerable? Zach: - I think this is, for so many men, their greatest failing and for many of us a huge source of shame - Which, when we are either found out or confess, is a huge moment of vulnerability to the actions of the non-user - What will they do? - How will they react? - How much should I tell them? - Are all questions that run through our minds. - I think its also important to touch on what distrust is as well. ‘Distrust is what I have shared with you that’s important to me is not safe with you.“ again from Charles Feltman This is really important when we take a look at the two things that are vulnerable for the two parties. For the men – They have probably just participated in talking about the thing that they are most ashamed of For the women – they have had the thing they hold most dear ripped up in front of them. The thing that the men hold dear is their ability to be a worthy, loving husband. The thing the women hold dear is their ability to have a worthy, loving husband. Darcy: So, I think this is a moment where, wives react in a way that takes what the husband has done and puts her in a position of distrust as well. He has acted in a way that creates distrust by taking the spoken or unspoken agreement that he would not use pornography and not kept it safe. So, this moment is where she now has his most vulnerable and important sense of self in her hands. I’ll be honest – the thing I did and the thing so many of us want to do is to tell him we’re leaving or if you keep doing this we are...

19 Jul 202035min

Pain that we feel often drives us to pursue pleasure. dianaswillinger.com

16 Jul 202027min

- Do you really want to or is there a part of you that isn’t willing to let it go yet? - Choosing to do this on purpose. - Not waiting until you never look at porn to have the confidence to be a free person - Commitment vs wanting – if you want something that doesn’t mean you will be able to get it. - To want is to desire or wish for something – there is no action required – it is passive - Wanting is really easy – all you have to do is think “I want this” - There is no risk involved. - It doesn’t require anything of us. - Saying “I want to stop looking at porn” isn’t going to get it done - It increases desire without any positive results – which can create a negative result in that you think you are doing something without results – - - When we think we are doing something without results we are creating failures - This is proof in our heads that we are failing. - - When we want something but aren’t doing anything to get it we are creating a gap that our brain tells us is insurmountable. - - When we are committed we promise to do something. - Have you ever said to someone, “I’m going to get this done”. Whether is was, going into a certain profession or building something that you had no experience doing? - As you go through that process, in your mind, you never waver. - - You know it is going to happen no matter what. - - That is committed. - - Action is required – until you get to the place you want to be. - - You aren’t waiting for it to happen before you believe in it. - - Being committed is uncomfortable and challenging. - - It also gets results - - You will have to do things differently and think about circumstances differently - You have to see the world differently than you do now to make that thing happen - A really simple example of this in my life has been becoming a podcaster. - I had no idea how to podcast 6 months ago. - It wasn’t even on my radar. - Then I wanted to be a podcaster because I thought it would be a great way to get the message out that there is help and there is a way forward for people who struggle. - But that didn’t make me a podcaster. - For months before I really committed to doing it I wanted it and I thought about it and I...

12 Jul 202022min

#addictionrecovery zachspafford.com/workwithme 1. Write down the websites you will visit that day a. Writing down the websites gives your higher brain control over the situation. b. Why not just write the sites you won’t visit – there are too many to count c. If that day you visit a site that leads to pornography use, evaluate that site for tomorrow. d. 2. Only visit those sites a. What if I have to visit a site that isn’t on my list for the day? i. If it’s for work, then you do it. ii. If it isn’t for work, then you need to make a judgement call. You are the owner of this process and when you are free of pornography then you will be making these calls all the time. iii. You may decide that if there is a site you need to visit, that you will have your spouse do it with you iv. Or you may decide that it can wait until tomorrow. b. 3. Allow urges a. What is an urge? b. 4. Repeat #masterymonday #addictionrecovery #theselfmasterypodcast #latterdaysaintsdealingwithpornographyinmarraige #LDS #latterdaysaints #pornographyrecovery #sarecovery #ldssa #12steps

5 Jul 202018min

You can set up a consultation with me here: zachspafford.com/workwithme Here's the link to the webinar for July 2020: https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/3515928863411/WN_OJSUbCHSQGi0Ap7WPDC8jg #masterymonday #addictionrecovery #theselfmasterypodcast #latterdaysaintsdealingwithpornographyinmarraige #LDS #latterdaysaints #pornographyrecovery #sarecovery #ldssa #12steps

29 Jun 202023min