Why feelings matter - with Darcy Spafford

Work with me through the model of one of my clients and see if some of your own logic has been where he is.

17 Jan 202116min

Your happiness is within reach I used to think that darcy could make me happy. I thought that if I could just make her happy enough then she would, in turn, make me happy. Seemed simple enough. I used to do pretty much whatever she wanted. I would let her get things that I thought we didn’t need. I would do whatever it took to make her life as comfortable as possible. In the first few years of our marriage we moved so many times, just because Darcy found a new apartment that she liked better than the one we lived in at the moment. The first time we lived in Milwaukee we only lived here for about 6 years and we lived in 3 different places before we bought a house. 6 years, 4 houses. Did we really need to move. No. did we do it because darcy wanted to. Yes. I learned to build things, fix things, make more money and climb the corporate ladder all so I could give Darcy more. When it came to my personal time. Time to go play basketball, watch sports or do outdoors activities, Darcy had a firm veto on all of it. If she didn’t like what it was I wanted to do, she would put a stop to it. Then there was sex. I would do anything for sex. I would give up whatever I wanted for sex. Some strange bargains were made in the name of sex. I did this in an effort to make her happy and to make me happy. I have a confession. I was doing it wrong. I was looking for happiness in the wrong place. I was looking for someone else to make me happy. I was looking for something outside me to make happiness available. All while this was going on for me, something else was going on for Darcy. Something similar, but slightly different. Tell your experience of trying to get happiness from me. Darcy – I truly believed it was Zach’s job to make me happy, I 100% believed he had the power to do that and that he should. When I wasn’t happy it was his fault, or the kids fault or the houses fault. Pretty much everything outside of me what to blame for my unhappiness. Don’t get me wrong I was not miserable all the time but when I was not happy it was not my fault. I would use sex as a bargaining tool for me to get what I wanted on occasions. I also used sex as a way to feel validated by Zach. I also thought I could make Zach happy by having sex. Sounds terrible. So, what happened and how can you take control of your happiness? Around the time I was really making headway in quitting pornography I became more aware at how much of my choices were dependent on Darcy’s desires. I worked really hard to do what she wanted because I thought that it would build our relationship. In part, it did and in part it created a lot of resentment. Sure, in the moment, it usually made her feel good and I could say that I would feel good too. But in the long run, I would look back at some of the choices and I would feel like I had been manipulated. Now, I want to be clear, I know now that I was choosing what I was choosing. I don’t blame Darcy for any of the way I acted. What I was missing was the idea that I have to take both responsibility and action where my happiness is concerned. 1. Marriage isn’t a fairy tale 2. We weren’t bringing everything we could because we were acting like the other person would make up half the work. 3. You can’t be happy by waiting on someone else to make you happy. So, how can we be happy? -this is something we talk about in the self mastery

11 Jan 202125min

You can choose. - New years - New beginning - Time to create turning points in life - Give you 2 keys to make any new habit stick - I can’t - One of my least fav phrases - It means we aren’t capable. - It means we don’t have agency, - Agency is o Knowing what is right and wrong o consequences o Ability to choose o - Any missing – don’t have agency - A lot of us have, in our heads a laundry list of things that we can’t do. - I want to give you three keys to help you deal with that list and start doing the things that you want to do - More importantly these three things will help you become who you want to be. - Because this is so important, - Want it to stick - Not going to talk about 5 things or 10 just two - If you want to make a permanent change to anything in your life. - New habit - You have to do two things - First, make it doable every time. o Let’s say you want to be able to do 50 pushups o Your goal will be to just do one o When you are going to do it, all you have to do is one. o If you want to be a runner, your goal is to put on your shoes o If you want to eat healthier your goal is to write what you’re eating once a day - Second, attach your goal to something you are already doing. o 50 push ups, do one every time you finish peeing. o Running? If you want to do it first thing in the morning, put your shoes on immediately after you turn off the alarm o Food journaling – right as you sit to eat, before you pick up your fork. - third – create and believe in I am statements o Change is most effective when it is who we are not what we are doing o I’m a push up fanatic o I’m a runner o I’m a healthy eater o Don’t have to be doing it all the time, or even consistently o We all know a hunter – they say, “I’m a hunter” o No one is like, “are you hunting right now?” o Have you hunted in the last week? Prove to me you’re a hunter o We just take people at their word o The more we believe we “are” the more we are likely to act in a way that reflects that belief o

4 Jan 202116min

Join the Self Mastery membership at zachspafford.com

27 Des 202035min

Check out our webinar at zachspafford.com/freecall

21 Des 202027min

First, we want to announce here on the podcast that this is the year! Darcy and I have built a world class membership for you and your loved ones to come and make 2021 your year to finally put pornography behind you and as a special offer, you can be a founding member for less than the cost of one date night each month. Get a year pass as a founding member, lock in this price forever, and make 2021 the year you stop feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed and start feeling more confident, fulfilled and successful! We can help you do that. We are going to get you there and have fun in the process. We are going to have seven different ways you can get help in the membership. We are going to have a monthly workshop, where we take a deep dive on one of the skills you need to get pornography out of your life. Then we are going to have six monthly calls for coaching and Q&A. 2 for those dealing with pornography, run by me. 2 for spouses and 2 for parents. IF you are dealing with pornography in your life, in your marriage, or in your household , this is the perfect moment to set yourself up so 2021 is your year. We can help you do that. As part of our last webinar we had two very interesting questions come up in our discussion and I wanted to highlight them here with the help of my sweet heart What is the catalyst that gets the wife to jump over the anger and betrayal issues, my wife has been upset and angry for 11 years now. I’m a wife. I’d like to know how you rebuild trust, when lying is such a big part of the pornography compulsion addiction or problem? If you would like to come to our next free webinar, you can by signing up at zachspafford.com/freecall or click the “Free Webinar” link at zachspafford.com We love having people come to our calls and work through some of the very deeply held difficulties that have been part of their struggle to overcome pornography use in their marriages. These calls are free and are so helpful at getting people started on the road to a life where pornography doesn’t intrude on their happiness. These two questions boil down to essentially one thing. “How do I trust and even love my spouse again?” Darcy: I think it’s really important to recognize here that no one is requiring that you stay. You can choose to leave this situation. You may not like what that looks like for any number of reasons but staying or going is 100% your responsibility and your choice. - That perspective is essential to building the life that you want, not just in terms of a marriage where pornography has been present. - Zach: I think it is also really important to see that the men who are struggling with this issue are almost invariably, earnestly trying and have desire to eliminate it from their lives. - I’ve spoken to so many men and women who struggle with pornography use in their lives and not one that I’ve come across has said, “I don’t want to give this up, but my spouse says I have to.” - Their struggle is real and they are trying to be the best they can. - - 1. The behavior of an individual is about that person trying to feel good. a. We’ve talked about this on the podcast before, but maybe we’ll just put a fine point on this. b. Our lower brain is geared toward helping keep us from feeling bad and is not very good at distinguishing between actual physical danger and the pain of feeling lonely, sad, stressed, tired, hungry or...

13 Des 202033min

Join the Mastery Membership at Founder Pricing by going to zachspafford.com

9 Des 202036min

This interview with Ashlee Ayre is meant to give hope and a path forward to anyone who is dealing with pornography use in their life as a teen.

7 Des 202033min