Why feelings matter - with Darcy Spafford

For a lot of my life I had a very real sense that I was not very important in my family. As the 4th child in a family of five, early on I observed my needs as being secondary to those of my older siblings or my parents or my little sister. This is just the way things work in large families and small families. The truth is that every child, as they grow up, experiences things that create narratives that they internalize as their reality of who they are. For me, one of the things that I felt and struggled with was this sense that I was not enough to merit someone paying attention to me and spending the time with me that I wanted them to spend. It really didn’t matter what I was doing or how successful I was in sports, drama, or school my parents were busy and, in my mind at least, didn’t show up as often as I thought they should. This perception, whether it was true or not, helped my forming mind create a sense that I was not enough. This affected the relationship that I have with Darcy and how pornography helped soothe me through parts of our life. On the 94 freeway headed north as we left the Chicago temple when Darcy and I were first married Darcy made a comment about my driving. I reacted in a way that was not kind, was not safe, and not how I would want to show up in the rest of my life. I got upset, angry with her characterization of my driving. I felt like I was being attacked for doing my best and that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. Fast forward maybe 15 years, heading south from a trip up to Salt Lake, Darcy made another comment about my driving. Again, upset, frustrated, and defensive I proceeded to let Darcy know that I didn’t think her characterization of my driving was fair. After all, I was doing my best and clearly, she didn’t appreciate everything I do to make her life happy, safe, and stable. I was, once again, not enough. You might have similar stories, your stories might differ in details, but feel the same. One of the reasons that I turned to to pornography was it’s extraordinary ability to bring me to a place where I was always enough. In the world of pornography, you can be with any woman, regardless of your talent, abilities, or money. In the world of pornography, the women you are with are willing to do anything with, for, and because of you. They want you, the same way you want them. You don’t have to prove you’re a good match, capable of caring for them and your children. You don’t even have to know anything about them, and they want you. Being wanted, unconditionally the way pornography makes you feel is possible is a powerful sensation. In the world of pornography, you are always enough, for as long as you can make the fantasy last. After that second driving incident, Darcy and I met with our friend Dr. Larry Bradley. In that session, he mentioned two things that have made a significant difference in our lives. He helped me see that I was carrying around this idea that I wasn’t enough and that I can never do enough to please the people in my life. He also helped Darcy that the narrative that she learned for herself was that “I’m not lovable.” So, just to re-clarify. This isn’t a story about how bad our parents were or how they didn’t do enough for us and how we are damaged beyond repair and it’s all their fault. What Darcy and I experienced is a normal process that young minds go through to understand and manage their expectations in the world they are presented with. What we had to do, and continue to do in our marriage and lives, is become aware of how our brains were offering us a narrative that we weren’t good enough and that was hindering our long-term...

17 Jan 202219min

If you are looking to end a pornography struggle and don't know where to turn, then this podcast is for you. In this episode you'll learn 3 keys that you can use to leave pornography behind. zachspafford.com Episode 123 – 100k downloads Scholarships as a thank you to JFF as we mentioned last episode – follow us on Instagram so you see the link for the application This month in the membership we are talking about Porn is not The problem. This Christmas had a note from eric and Jackie – we did a client interview with them episode 62 in nov 2020, they are doing so well. If you want to go back to that one and listen, you’ll get an idea of the amzing changes that can come to your life working with darcy and I They are such an amazing couple. They just messaged us in dec and that were doing super well. One of the things that we got over Christmas was one of those Chinese finger traps. You know, the ones that you can put your fingers into and then once your fingers are in there, if you pull they get trapped. And for a really good one of those, the harder you pull the tighter it grips you. This year as all of us are setting goals and laying out resolutions we really need to take time to recognize that a lot of these goals can be like that Chinese finger trap. The more we resist and fight with what we don’t want in our lives, the more that thing grips and holds on to us. The only way to get out of them is to lean into back into the trap and release its hold. It is a lot like a snare used for catching rabbits. So, what does that look like when it comes to pornography and other unwanted habits. Much like the finger trap, the more you resist your unwanted habit, the more it seems to be a struggle to get away from it. Simply put, if you are going to get away from this trap you are going to need to see what it is that you need to lean into, to start allowing that habitual trap to loosen up and let you walk free. 1 To do this you’ll need first to recognize that you have a response ability. You have the ability to respond to the underlying reason that you have been turning to this habit. Learn what those reasons are. Ask yourself, why am I using this habit to avoid my life? Most of the people I work with find that the reason they are using an unwanted habit to avoid their life or buffer is that they feel uncomfortable. This comes in a variety of ways, including the regular, if unpleasant emotions of loneliness, being tired, stressed, frustrated, entitled, and any other negative emotion you can name. Once you learn what the underlying reason is for your habit, you can now begin to exercise your response ability. Respond to that emotion differently. In my membership we work on a variety of techniques to do this, including simple meditations, but no matter what you do, experimenting to respond to that emotion differently really needs to include leaning into it and allowing it to exist without resistance. 2 Then next thing you need to do is not freak out if it doesn’t work perfectly the first time. Like an animal caught in a snare, the freak out is the think that keeps you trapped. When mistakes are made, create an honest, open dialogue with your partner that can help you see the situation for what it is. And learn from what happened. When we catastrophize and act as though we will never be free from this behavior, we really do get snared and trapped. 3 finally, this last thing that you can do, rather than set goals that might be Chinese finger traps, let’s re-view our values, reassess how they fit into our lives, and reprioritize them as we see fit. In...

10 Jan 202214min

The Self Mastery Podcast is dedicated to helping Latter-day Saints overcome pornography. Men and women struggle with overcoming pornography. This podcast draws on the real-life experiences of the hosts, Zach and Darcy in their struggle to overcome pornography, strengthen their marriage, and grow personally. If you want to know what real success looks like in overcoming pornography from real people who have been where you are, then this podcast is for you. The interviews with real clients who have succeeded, the amazing skills, techniques, and systems that are shared, and the real-world experiences of the hosts make this the number one podcast for Latter-day Saints looking to overcome pornography. If you are ready to take your knowledge and understanding to the next level, join the Self Mastery Membership at zachspafford.com/workwithme

3 Jan 202250min

In this episode we discuss the accountability app question of one of my clients and help him come to a place where he is living his best life without pornography. If you have struggled with pornography and are ready to quit, this is the podcast for you. Porn affects so many men and women and now you have a way to quit for good and forever. Come listen to Zach and, when you are ready, sign up for his once a year Group Coaching by clicking https://zachspafford.securechkout.com/group-apply (HERE.) Overcome porn for good in your life and become the man or woman you want to be in 2022! Check us out at zachspafford.com

27 Des 202123min

zachspafford.com/thestuff If you would like to start your year off amazingly, come be part of our only group coaching of 2022.

20 Des 202115min

Talking about being at rock bottom? This podcast gives you a really simple place to start climbing out if you are looking to overcome pornography. If you are looking to eliminate an unwanted porn habit, this is the podcast for you. Learn more at zachspafford.com

13 Des 202132min

This Bonus Episode is just for your teens who are struggling to quit pornography. Joey Mascio is a Certified Life Coach who specializes in teens becoming awesome. Check out the amazing work course Joey and I put together at TeensQuitPorn.com You can also check out Joey's work at firmlyfounded.com

8 Des 202125min

This week during one of my coaching sessions my client said to me, “how do I keep up my motivation so I don’t keep going back to pornography and how do I choose an important enough why that will keep me motivated?” This question is one that I think a lot of people struggle with, so I wanted to take some time and talk about the differences between the ways that we approach problems and how we might be approaching our struggles with pornography in ways that aren’t helping us ultimately succeed. I’m going to touch on 4 different concepts, how they might help and how they might keep you from succeeding if you utilize them too heavily without other key elements. Let’s talk about Motivation, Our Why, Habits, and Who we are. I’ll start with Motivation. Which I like to think of as synonymous with willpower. This is a pretty common way of thinking about a problem. First, we encounter a problem and then we find some motivation that helps us overcome that problem until it is finally gone. When it comes to short-term and long-term, external problems, this is often a really good course of action. Take school or work for example. External problems can be broken into a variety of short-term, solvable, puzzles that once they are overcome fade into the distance. This is why motivation works. We don’t have to sustain a long-term, near-permanent grasp on the problem. We simply need to go through the maze of struggle until we get to the exit and then we can move on to the next problem. This is like setting a goal and when that goal is accomplished we no longer focus on the goal. I once did a weight loss challenge at work with my co-workers. I kept telling myself that these were permanent changes that I was making and that I would never look back. Immediately after winning that challenge I stopped eating healthy and went back to being the same person i was before. I was no longer focused on a goal, my willpower had run out, and my motivation (the money) had long been spent. So, it is much easier to have motivation on a short-term project, issue, or goal because we can use willpower and motivation to see it through to the end. Where we get lost is in thinking that willpower and motivation are enough to overcome an internally motivated feedback loop. In their book, change anything, the authors describe willpower as a trap. In their studies of children who were offered tempting items to purhcase after they had just been given cash for going through a series of steps that were presented as the experiment. In reality the experiment was what would the kids do with their money. they demonstrate that willpower is not the main determining factor in whether the kids buy. Motivation and willpower are easily manipulated it turns out. Where the kids who succeeded in keeping their earnings was more based on A set of skills learned along the way that the kids could draw on when the temptations arose. Skill, not willpower or motivation determined whether they bought overpriced trinkets for the thrill of the purchase, or simply said, “i’ll save my money for later.” Many of you have said, after a particularly difficult patch, “this is the last time. I’ll never go back to that.” You found yourself motivated and full of willpower. A year later or less, without having changed your skill level your willpower has run out and the brightness of your motivation has faded until you give in again. Let’s take a look at the Why? Simon Senik talks about this a lot with corporations and I do think there are applications in personal life as well. In his most famous example, Simon talks about the reason we all buy apple products when there are more affordable and often, more functional products out there. ...

6 Des 202125min