Telling Your Partner About Your Pornography Struggle

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8 Mar 202044min

Action bias We act in order to gain some sense of control or even to eliminate a problem - 1 - Doing something is better than doing nothing o We see this in business where we begin looking for solutions before we have even fully developed what the problem is. o This is what we do when we are dealing with addictive behaviors. o Giving in to our urges is an action that we engage in for a variety of reasons – sometimes because we think it will make the urge go away or because we want to do it regardless of the consequences. o This also comes into play when we engage in distracting ourselves. o Keep ourselves busy – go run rather than deal with the urge, get busy with work rather than deal with the urge other distracting behaviors. o Or the classic, “im craving this, so I have to eat it.” o - 12 - Others expect me to do something. o Soccer goalies jumping left or right when statistically they should stay in the middle of the goal o White knuckling is a form of action where we exert extraordinary effort to keep our urges and impulses at bay. o Others expect us to just do it, or in this case not do it. o The action we are taking is fighting the urge o Holding it at bay. o - There is an alternative. - David Attenborough – iguana chased by killer snakes video. - Narrates very little, at end says in a chill voice – a near miraculous escape. - That’s it, - Allowing the urge – - Just sit and watch it - Do nothing, - Observe – feelings, thoughts, urges -

1 Mar 202012min

Battle of the brains - why your lower brain hijacks your best intentions and you still buffer So you have a problem. We all do. We are trying to survive in a world where survival is virtually guaranteed Infant mortality is down across the world Life expectancy is up. Since 1950 when life expectancy was 45 years old to 2020 we’ve added nearly 30 years to the average life of a person. Yet, with this survival going on we are also getting into things that are quote bad for us, like pornography, excessive eating, video gaming, over spending, and so many other buffers that keep us entertained in the very short term, but that bring a host of negative consequences in the long run. Why? Because of the thing that got us to this point. Our lower brain and it’s effective use of the motivational triad. Ok, yes, all those words. What ‘s the lower brain, why does it have a triad and does that involve nuclear arms? - Lower brain o Conservation of energy o Seeking Pleasure o Avoiding pain

26 Feb 202022min

Podcast - pain, process it so it doesn’t turn into buffering · We’ve talked about life being 50/50 · Episode 12 · unhappiness is half of life · I’m going to talk about pain – really, all negative emotions, lonliness, sadness, tired, upset, whatever you think of as negative emotions · Pornography users, over eaters, over spenders, video gamers · We do those things to buffer the feelings · Lower brain doesn’t understand that momentary dopamine leads to increased pain · Here’s what happens o Something happens to trigger the pain § – wife goes out for girls night, so you’re lonely § – you’re on a business trip, so you feel like you have nothing to do (translated – bored) § – something happens at work, so you feel like a failure § Your kids behavior is bad, so you feel like a bad mom § o You don’t know why you are feeling this - not because you don’t know what happened, but our minds are pretty good denial machines. o And we usually have habits that buffer away the moment so we find ourselves removed from the situation before we reflect on what went on. o Pain runs through your body o You resist the emotion by using– § Pornography § Food § Excessive spending § Social media scrolling · Using these to avoid feelings creates additional negative emotions o Pornography – guilt, shame, self-loathing, disconnection from partner o Food – guilt, shame, self-loathing, overweight, o Overspending – guilt, shame, financial worry, out of control o Social media scrolling – disconnected, envy, unconfident, depressed · All of these tactics create a long-term increase of pain, they don’t help you avoid it. · We don’t usually think of the long-term consequences of our actions, especially when we feel pain. · · Just like pulling our hand away from a hot stove, we react to pain in a way that provides immediate relief - · I took my youngest two to get vaccinated and they screamed and fussed and cried because they knew that getting a shot was going to hurt. · What they didn’t think about and what they don’t have the capacity to understand yet that adults do is that momentary pain will greatly decrease the likelihood that they will get polio or measles or some other disease with long lasting effects. · · Now that is physical · But our brains don’t easily distinguish between physical pain and emotional pain. · When we feel emotional pain our lower brain wants to avoid it just as much as it does physical pain. · · We don’t usually choose to feel pain. · choose to avoid pain in the moment and magnify it long run. · Overeaters see this in their physical weight. · Pornography users see this in their self-confidence and in their relationships with their spouses. · When we scroll social media to excess we see this in greater depression rates and lower life satisfaction. · You can avoid the pain in the moment with a quick hit of dopamine, but that doesn’t remove the underlying...

17 Feb 202016min

Becoming the person you want to be is an infinite game. - Finite and infinite games are an interesting subject - I was listening to simon sinek and he talked about the difference between the two. - Finite games have set numbers of players, specific rules and an end point. - Infinite games have rules that may change, the number of players may change and the purpose of an infinite game is to keep the game going. - One night while traveling home from a single adult activity when my pornography use was weighing on me heavily, I looked out at the dark road and the distance ahead and felt a deep longing to be better. - As the highway hummed along under me and the solitude of the car pulled my thoughts deeper into my actions I prayed as earnestly as I knew how that if I could just not have this one problem, I would be a pretty amazing person. - What I didn’t see from that point in my life that I see so clearly now, is that becoming the person I want to be is not an arrival at some particular set of attributes - It involves so much more than that. - To become great at life we have to stop thinking about what we are doing in terms of arriving at an end - We have to think of long term, continued, and sustainable growth and learning. - So how does an infinite game work and how can you become a great player becoming the best version of your self that you can be. - Five things have to happen to play in the infinite game according to simon. - 1. You have to have a just cause. - 2. You have to have trust in teams - 3. You have to have a worthy adversary - 4. You have to have existential flexibility - 5. You have to have the courage to lead 1 – just cause – you have to have a cause that is so just, right, or important that you would willingly sacrifice for it. - As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints there is a lot of moral guidance about the cause we work for. - Eternal life is a just cause that we look to willingly sacrifice for. - An eternal family is another. - The just cause for most of us is our desire to be in concert with our Heavenly Father. - We believe that is the most important thing we can do, because we believe that it will bring joy into our lives. - There are lots of great just causes. The work you do could be considered a just cause. - The United states was founded on a just cause – it is about an ideal, so amazing, so important that we may never achieve the ideal in this life, but we will give our all to it while we can. - This is what give’s us purpose. The striving toward an ideal. Sacrificing for a greater state of goodness. - Simon talks about it this way, he says, “imagine a world that is different than the one we have now, that you believe if everything that you did in your organization went perfectly, that you would contribute to the building of that world.” - Moroni or Ether not sure if Moroni is just quoting Ether here or inserting his commentary on what Ether wrote but this is...

11 Feb 202020min

Check out Darcy and I discussing trust, intimacy and connection in our relationship.

3 Feb 202014min

Feelings The big question that comes up as I coach clients, whether they are trying to stop an addictive behavior or they are just trying to show up as the man or woman that they want to be, really captures the battle that we have every day over who we are and the behaviors we exhibit. Why do I want … ? Why do I want to earn a million dollars? Why do I want to become a doctor? Why do I want to get married? Why do I want to have the big house? Why do I want to stop looking at pornography? Why do I want to look at pornography? Why do I want to stop overeating? Why do I want to eat that whole chocolate bar? Why do I want to be more successful at work? These questions are about feelings. They are about how we think getting something or stopping something will make us feel. Whenever you can ask that question, you are really asking “how do I want to feel?” Because everything that we want is based on how we think it will make us feel. I think this is a really interesting conversation to have And those feelings drive every action in our life. If you have ever spent time in sales, like I did, you know that your goal is to help the person buying have a feeling of one sort or another. When people feel the right feelings, they act. Feelings drive you to do everything you do. Sex, food, warmth, shelter, survival, are all driven by our feelings. In fact, the latest research shows that when we block certain feelings, our desire to do anything essentially is eliminated. What that means to me is that if we can create the feelings we want, we can create the life we have always wanted. Ok, so, let’s talk about what a feeling is. For the most part, a feeling is a vibration in our bodies. Most of us think that our feelings are caused by our circumstances. We think that because we live in a certain place or we have a certain job or our spouse says a certain thing, that is what causes our emotions. The truth is our emotions come from the thoughts that we have about those circumstances. For a long time, as I dealt with my pornography use, I used to think, I can’t stop looking at pornography. The circumstance of pornography hasn’t changed, it is still out there and it isn’t going away. But, rather than think, I can’t, I now think, I can look at pornography, but I choose not to. That creates a feeling that I prefer, a feeling of success and a feeling of being capable. Which in turn, created actions that resulted in my being able to choose not to look at pornography. The same goes for every aspect of our lives. We can feel happy, or successful, or capable, or loved, or whatever feeling we are looking to feel when we want to. does that sound a little off? Just think about it for a second. Everything we do, we do because of how we want to feel. Sometimes that means that we do things that make us feel good short term, but have negative feelings long term and sometimes we do things that make us feel bad short term, but have positive feelings long term. Pornography users use because they want to feel good. Over eaters over eat because they want to feel good. Successful people perform their best work because they want to feel successful. Kind people are kind because they want to feel love. Weight lifters work out because they want to feel powerful. And so on. So, if you take a moment and think about what you really want, then go deeper and ask, what makes me want that, what do I really, really want. Then ask yourself, how you will feel when you get what you want, you’ll find that when you dig deep enough, you really desire a feeling. Good news is that your feelings all come from your thoughts, and you get to choose your thoughts! If you want to change

27 Jan 202023min

This week on the podcast, my friend Natalie Clay interviews Darcy and I. It is a great chat and a great chance to hear from Darcy, who I talk about often but we don't hear from enough on the podcast. Thanks to Natalie for interviewing us and sharing us with her audience. You can check her out at natalieclay.com or listen to her podcast Couples Coaching with Natalie Clay. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/couples-coaching-with-natalie-clay/id1459950159 (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/couples-coaching-with-natalie-clay/id1459950159)

20 Jan 202037min